Science Has Figured Out Why Ted Cruz Has A Punchable Face


Ted Cruz is one ugly son of a bitch. Since the start of his campaign, I’ve spent countless hours in the lab (a bathroom in the history building’s basement) trying to figure out what makes his mug so unappealing.

Is it the fact that he constantly looks like he’s on the brink of tears? Is it his distinctly Cave Troll-esque appearance in the ears and nose? Or is it the fact that he looks like a chimp and a bulldog got it on until one gave birth to a politician? Since this is the 2016 Presidential Race, where everything’s made up and policies don’t matter, Quartz interviewed George Washington University neurologist Richard E. Cytowic to determine why Cruz is so busted. As usual, science had the answer.

From USA Today:

‘The normal way a face moves is what’s called the Duchenne smile, named after the 19th century French neurologist. So the mouth goes up, the eyes narrow and the eyes crinkle at the outside, forming crows feet,’ said Cytowic, a professor of neurology.

‘Cruz doesn’t give a Duchenne smile. His mouth goes in a tight line across or else it curves down in an anti-Duchenne smile. So he doesn’t come across as sincere at all.’

Thanks, science!

The article went on to clarify that his method of smiling doesn’t necessarily make him any less honest, but I don’t buy it. Voldemort had the same smile and that dude was bad news. Conversely, Voldy never locked down a cutie like Heidi Nelson Cruz so maybe Ted Cruz is this election’s Quasimodo. Uggos with a heart of gold are always great material for crap movies, so if he ends up Rocky II’ing this race we can look forward to a film starring Elijah Wood in ten pounds of makeup.

On the topic, here are some more things Ted Cruz looks thanks to his ugly, ugly face.

Maybe Teddy should let Heidi give the speeches while he sits in the back and feeds her information.

Yes. Yes he should.

[via USA Today]

Image via Andrew Cline /

  1. Keep It Buttery

    This post reminds me of a quote by Stephen Hawking. “Almost drowned in the pussy so I swam to her butt.”

    8 years ago at 11:39 am
    1. StockWithFrock

      Or Einstein, “It’s east side, we in this bitch. Wish a nigga would like a tree in this bitch.”

      8 years ago at 11:41 am
  2. Bobby Axelrod

    Karl, save this landfill inferno of an article for your Sigma Nu group chat.

    8 years ago at 11:42 am
  3. steveholtlikescock69

    That’s it I’m mailing a bag of my shit to grandex you ruin my day I’ll ruin yours with chipotle poop

    8 years ago at 11:53 am