So, You Wet Her Bed. Now What?

So, you pounded a beer immediately before pounding her. It’s 7AM and you wake up shivering. She’s still in a dick–induced coma. Now what?

Option 1: Blame her
Depending on the severity of the wetting, you can and should blame her. This may seem like common sense, but many overlook this move. This can work one of two ways:

A. You unleashed Niagara Falls all over the both of you. Awesome, you got the hard part over with. All that’s left is yelling “what the fuck?” until she wakes up. When she wakes up, immediately put on the full court press and grill her about how much she drank last night.

B. You were selfish with your pee, and she is dry like a bitch on antidepressants. Don’t panic, you have an angle. Find a half empty beer and dump the rest of it on her. If that’s not an option, a glass of water will work. Then commence interrogation.

Option 2: You passed out mid beer, oops
Pretty straightforward stuff. She knows you’re an alcoholic, so she won’t even question why you decided to bring a beer into bed with you. When she wakes up, assure her that she didn’t share a bed with post-Pepsi Fuller, and show her the bottle laying next to you. She’ll be disappointed, and depending on whether you’re capable of having emotions, you may have to help with the clean up. (Not required)

Option 3: Blame her shitty apartment
This requires skill. You’re going to have to convince her that the leak came not from your prepubescent bladder, but from some shit you make up that’s above her ceiling. This will require you, rather comically, to fling some type of liquid beverage on to the ceiling above the bed. Ideally, this liquid will drip down all over the bed and give the appearance of some sort of a leak. If she has people living above her you can blame them. If not, tell her the air conditioner or a pipe is leaking above her bed. Either way, you can act mad about it and parlay it into a hand job.

Option 4: Blame her for letting you get that drunk
What the fuck was she thinking? She actually let you make a Jack and water before bed? She should know by now that you can’t handle that last drink. Apparently she doesn’t really care about you if she’s just going to let you get that drunk right before bed. She should know you have an enlarged prostate that causes these complications. Act really disappointed and leave.

Option 5: Create a diversion
Make something up. Say you have a brain condition that causes you to have seizures. Say you have a kidney problem. Make yourself the sympathetic figure in the situation. If she gets mad then she’s a bitch for caring more about a mattress than your ailing health.

Option 6: Golden Shower
Approach with caution. You’re going to have to convince this girl that she allowed you to commit an act of sexual deviance. If it works, this will change the complexion of the relationship, assuming there was one. Look, there’s no easy way to tell someone “Hey, you allowed me to urinate on you last night.” You may have to look her in the eyes (gross) and tell her that you took the next step in the relationship. This will probably launch her into a dark place for a while as she does some soul searching from her home: rock bottom.

Option 7: Bail
Pull the cord on the parachute, and get the fuck out of the situation. Don’t look back. You ruined her Tempurpedic, now it’s time to cut ties and abort mission. You’ll probably get a text around 11 asking if you did the unthinkable. Don’t respond. What’s done is done, and you marked your territory. You marked it well. Go home, take a shower, and tell all your pledge bros about it.

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    1. Bronan the Barbarian

      Literally peeing in her butt. It’s the hail mary pass in this situation.

      12 years ago at 1:48 pm
    2. UAThetaChi

      Just say you were simply doing your duty by peeing in her butt, where it splashes is collateral damage

      12 years ago at 2:00 pm
  1. PledgeInTheCloset

    I just look her dead in the eyes and ask “Why can’t you just be appreciative? I did this for you.”

    12 years ago at 1:51 pm
  2. BROnard Ramsey

    Brilliant. Couldn’t control my hysterical laughter or bladder throughout this column.

    12 years ago at 1:59 pm
  3. Blackout Menace

    2 weeks ago a girl stayed over at my place and pissed the bed. She said that she spilled a cup of water, got up to get another one, and spilled that too. It would have been believable had my sheets not been yellow and smelled of doe estrus

    12 years ago at 2:11 pm