Someone Stole A Bunch Of Sorority Letters And Hung Them From The Roof Of A Pizza Joint

Alex Buscemi10 years ago

A serial sorority letter burglar has been on the loose at Clarkson University in Potsdam, New York, for over a year now, leading to a campus-wide mystery. Lots of finger-pointing and pissed off accusations from sorority girls ensued. Then, recently, the thief whipped out his dick and put it on the table. Over a dozen of the big, colorful, polka-dotted and striped Greek characters were found hanging from the roof of late-night pizza eatery Sergi’s.

In a highly confidential email, an anonymous tipster laid out several clues that point us in the direction of the thief, or, more likely, thieves. The first tidbit:

Dear whoever the fuck at TFM that reads this,

I attend Clarkson University which happens to be in the heart of Potsdam where, obviously, SUNY Potsdam also is. The schools are about 5 minutes apart from each other so it is fairly common for Greeks to know each other from opposite schools.

SUNY Potsdam kids. I’m putting these sly sons of bitches at the top of my suspect list. If two universities are located within five minutes of one another, a rivalry is inevitable, and stealing symbols of individuality is a classic way to fuck with a rival.

Next clue:

Recently, sororities have been running into a common problem in this small, inbred town. For some reason, somebody is allegedly stealing their giant wooden house letters.

Inbreds. Apparently, small-town Potsdam, New York, is overrun with smooth-faced, beady-eyed family-fuckers. It’s highly possible they’re the ones responsible for the theft and subsequent hanging of the letters. Maybe out of spite for privileged college students encroaching on their territory. Maybe as part of a bizarre, cult-like ritual to appease the Gods of a long-dead religion (inbreds are weird like that).

Next clue:

Over the past year or so, reports of letters being stolen from houses kept surfacing and also kept plaguing my fraternity with questions like “Did you assholes take our fucking letters? By the way, we want our composite back too.”

The sororities are onto you, Anonymous. I know who you are, too. Pro tip: even if you type “Annonymous,” as you did, after an email, the recipient still sees a “From: xxxx” at the top of the page. Don’t worry, your identity is safe with me, but I’m not ruling you out as a suspect either. I’ve watched enough crime dramas to know that the whistleblower ends up being the criminal far too often.

At the end of the email, Anonymous adds that it appears the burglars will get off “scott free.” Then he throws in some Steve Holt hate, and that’s it.

So, who is responsible for the spree of stolen letters? I’ll keep you posted if anything comes up, but it seems the world will never know..