Spinning Trouble Both Ways: A President’s Challenge

One thing you quickly learn after being elected president of your fraternity is that you are the mouthpiece from the alumni to the chapter and vice-a-versa. That means you, and you alone, get to craft the messages given to both sides. The typical strategy employed by most presidents I knew was as follows: when you talk to the alumni, you emphasize how difficult these crazy frat guys are to control. It’s important to make it seem as if you are well respected but powerless against their occasional bouts of stupidity (which is sort of true). That way, the alumni’s anger is diffused across your membership base, and they believe the executive board is doing their best to right the ship. I mean, fuck, Exec is only a couple of guys anyway. How much can they really do?

When you talk to your chapter (except those in leadership positions), you demonize the alumni board. This was very easy for me because our Alumni Board President, “Jerry,” whom we affectionately referred to as “Fat Tits,” (because he had big fat man tits) was a complete asshole with nothing else to do, and nobody else on the board to stand in his way, he was a one-man whiny douche show.

Fat Tits engendered zero respect from the guys beneath him. Most times alumni who remain involved in the day-to-day operations of the fraternity aren’t like regular, cool alumni. Instead the’re like a stereotypical black guy in a movie theatre— loud, unwelcome, and completely ruining the whole experience, but with every right to be there.

Interactions with Fat Tits generally ranged from terrible to I’d-prefer-the-sweet-release-of-death-to-this. The latter was the case when the fraternity was in crisis. Being that we were, in fact, a fraternity, this was very often the case.

One such “crisis” fell in late May, when 80 percent of the undergrads were home, interning or abroad for the summer. My exec board and I had stayed in town for two reasons: to take our first executive retreat—two days holed-up in a lake house to hammer out our plans for the next semester and to build a united front—and because we wanted to get really fucked up and troll for lake ass.

Before hitting the road the rush chair, and the academic chair, and I decided to take two bongs directly to the skull. Was it a bad idea? Probably, but a two-hour drive through nowhere was ahead of us. A half hour later we were balls deep in the Bible Belt when my phone started to ring.

What now? We told the few guys staying at the house over break not to call unless there was an absolute emergency. And by emergency we meant a house fire BARELY qualified. We wanted to be left alone. It was too early for my parents to be bothering me and my crazy girlfriend was still looking for the baby panda exhibit that the funny fat guy in our house convinced her was coming to town (naturally said exhibit was completely fictional).

I was driving, so I made the rush chair answer the phone.

“Who is it?” I asked him.

“It’s Jerry,” your rush chair mumbles nervously.

“You mean Fat Tits? Why would he…”

It was about that time that the massive piece of glassware we left behind in the basement popped into my mind. Fuck. It was summer, the house was under “summer rules,” typically a utopian three months of don’t-give-a-fuck. Normally that meant people could smoke and drink whatever, whenever and wherever without fear of reprisal. But never mind that now, here comes the reprisal, straight up my ass.

“Hey, it’s ________________,” I said, hoping he had called about some routine bullshit like overdue house bills.


He was no doubt standing in the basement, spit flying out of his mouth, blood rushing north while his impish little hands shook violently. I wondered what he was even doing there. It was Friday and barely after noon. Didn’t he have a job?

“Slow down, Jerry. What happened?”

I tried to sound as innocent as I could, but I was pretty high.

“Well Mr. President, there’s a GIANT. VIOLET. BONG on the third floor,” he garbled.

“There’s a violent bong? What’s it doing?”

Fuck I’m too high for this.

Fat Tits gets a little red in the face when he’s angry, and most of us were pretty sure he LIKED being angry. I wondered which is redder, his face or the red rocket he had from getting so worked up.

Oh shit, still high, and in trouble. Don’t laugh at that image.

“VIOLET! VI-OH-LET!” He clarified angrily.

“You mean purple?”

“It doesn’t FUCKING MATTER! You and I both know heads are gonna have to roll,” he continued, “All I need from you? A name.”

Never, EVER, give any alumnus the name of an undergraduate member they don’t know if there’s potential trouble. Normally they hear very few names, so they remember the names they DO hear, for years. If Brother X wants to get a business job in five years, you probably shouldn’t tell the alumni president that it was his bong. The Dean of the Business school will find out, and that poor little stoner could be fucked for life. Or condemned to a life living in like, I don’t know, in the far north—that, my friends, is a fate worse than death.

“Well everyone knew that all of exec board was going on a retreat. We left the prison to the inmates I guess. But we just didn’t see any other way to get this done. We thought we could trust them!”

It’s important to try and deflect an alumnus’ anger. If you can keep them distracted and change the issue you can usually get yourself out of any situation. Naturally I played up the “we can’t control them” angle. They were in the fraternity once. Even though it’s their job to be complete hard-ons nowadays they haven’t completely forgotten what it was like to run the house as an undergrad.

“Did you catch anyone with it? Is there anything I can do from here, or should we just come back? We can, it’s no problem.”

That was a lie. A total lie. We weren’t coming back, we were getting lake drunk and playing politics.

A normal man would have told us not to come back. He would have told us to worry about it in a couple days and not fuck the whole retreat because of one little ol’ bong. You’ve taken this conversation from a screaming match to a civil political interchange.

He has not.


Apparently the guys still at the house realized who was there, snuck down to the basement, and hid the bong from Fat Tits… after he found it. Smooth move assholes.

It was a stupid move on their part, but it’s the type of thing a good (see also: clever bastard) president can use to his advantage. When you’re trying to convince the Alumni President that it’s hard to control the crazed degenerates in your chapter, people doing stupid shit like that makes the argument a whole lot easier to sell.

Eventually the situation plays out like every damn other one. A simple solution is found to an overhyped problem. It’s the type of end result that makes you both relieved and annoyed. Relieved because you’ve avoided trouble once again. Annoyed because you’re tired of this shit. After three hours of phone calls, bull shit and politicking Fat Tits happily bid me adieu and offered some advice on conducting a worthwhile executive retreat. This advice did not involve getting completely faced and doing stupid shit, so obviously I disregarded it. The house ended up in little to no trouble. But I kept that to myself. Everyone else still thought we were in deep shit. That’s a powerful weapon: the appearance of forthcoming doom and oversight.

Nothing governs like fear of probation or being shut down. Maybe now I’d be able to control these bastards for a few weeks… maybe.

    1. ThinkThereforeFRAT

      I thought you should know that I nothing this article. I have no thoughts or feelings toward it.

      12 years ago at 3:37 pm
    2. Tea Party Rage

      So Obama being a Keynesian and paying his friends such as; UAW, Solindra, Planned Parenthood, or any other “green company” was a good thing? Tell me do you think NDAA was a good thing he signed into law? I mean the constitutions just an old piece of paper. Liberty is just a word, I mean it can’t be something worth fighting for. I’m sure the government telling me what doctor I can see, what treatments I can get, and how much it’s going to cost with all those mandates is sure going to drive down cost. Go fuck yourself you liberal fuck.

      12 years ago at 3:40 pm
    3. Bama4Obama

      yeah bc in the long run all the stimulus will improve the economy. more consumer spending=a better economy. so more money to spend=FaF. and the Patriat Act is a bad thing bc its against the constitution but george bush made it anyways.

      12 years ago at 3:45 pm
    4. Tea Party Rage

      Solindra was a great idea man. I mean damn the governments in the business of investing cause they know what’s best. I agree the Patriot Act is Unconstitutional, but what’s worse… tapping my phone calls or sending me to a remote prison without trial for as long as they want.

      12 years ago at 3:49 pm
    5. Bama4Obama

      well ill admit neither is good so your right about that. but my main point is still that i dont want to elect the party that was responsible for the inside job.

      12 years ago at 3:52 pm
    6. Tea Party Rage

      No, pick up a history book. Any politician is a bitch to economic theory. A true conservative follow Austrian economics. It’s the progressive left that created the federal reserve system that is the root of the problem. TARP was brought to the floor by nancy pants and passed with a democratic house, senate, and white house. TARP didn’t do a damn thing but fatten the wallets of the left elite and did jack shit for the country. It isn’t consumer spending.

      12 years ago at 3:59 pm
    7. Bama4Obama

      ok you dumb fuck face. thats how the great depression ended was government spending. (and no inside terrorist jobs)

      12 years ago at 4:09 pm
    8. Richard Head

      ^^ It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your momma’s ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress. Go jack off with sand paper you liberal piece of shit.

      12 years ago at 4:10 pm
    9. Tea Party Rage

      Ya if everybody that can work is off to war unemployment will be next to nothing. That and all resources will be rationed for the war effort. When the war ended and the progressives were swept out of office what did the nation do? Shrank 3/4 of the size of government. Austrian economics produced the biggest growth after WWII. When did we have another recession? Right before we “All became Keynesian.”

      12 years ago at 4:25 pm
    10. Bama4Obama

      ok lol you guys are stupid. at least obama wouldnt do an inside job of terrorism. plus he has more swag than any of the republicans. i dont want the president to die in office bc hes old as fuck!

      12 years ago at 4:32 pm
    11. Tea Party Rage

      No, you want a president to tell ya how to think or how to act. You want a president that tells ya what ya can and can’t buy. You want a president that tells you what medical care you receive, who to see, and mandate how much that care will cost. But hey, if your ignorant enough to vote for the campaigner in chief because he gives a good speach your retarded. Go back to your dorm room you GDI fuck. Intern start requiring .edu and there won’t be as many fucking trolls.

      12 years ago at 4:38 pm
    12. Richard Head

      Alright clearly you are a troll because that was one of the dumbest phrases I’ve ever heard uttered.

      12 years ago at 4:39 pm
    13. Bama4Obama

      sorry to break it to you, but im a fratstar at University of Alabama, so an .edu account isnt going to stop me from spreading the truth. going to war when we cant afford it and we could spend that money on helping the poor=NF

      12 years ago at 4:57 pm
    14. Tea Party Rage

      You must be a TKE or some bottom tier equivalent. More than likely a GDI, none the less a fucking troll.

      12 years ago at 5:13 pm
    15. Dirty Sperry

      Go fuck yourself Bama4Obama. You’re not a fratstar. You’re a Goddamn hipster fuck-tard. Go grow a beard and wear a beanie. Since you claim to be a conspiracy theorist I thought you would at least understand all of the unconstitutional bills that Obama has passed. Get the fuck off of this website.

      12 years ago at 5:15 pm
    16. Sigma_Raw_Dog

      That’s why Bama really isn’t a real school.. Dumbasses like you that think stimulous will actually make the economy better when in two years it really hasn’t. Go take a lap, and when you get back I’ll give you the paper saying you’re balled.

      12 years ago at 5:42 pm
    17. Bama4Obama

      yeah its only been 2 years so wait for the long term re.tard. @Tea Party and @Dirty Sperry, im not bottom tier and im not a hipster. i wear fratty clothes like sperry’s and croakies, and i slam lots of sorostitutes so your idiots. and Bama is a great school, sorry were not hicks like you

      12 years ago at 6:19 pm

      Despite where your political loyalties may lie, the level of coherent and grammatical structure in this thread as a whole is just embarrassing.

      12 years ago at 6:43 pm
    19. Tea Party Rage

      Troll you don’t have a single intellectual argument. Take a break bud and do something with your chapter. It’s bad to sit behind a computer screen for long periods of time, and it gives your hand some time to rest.

      12 years ago at 6:47 pm
    20. DixieFratStar08

      I can usually pick out the high school kids that pretend to be in fraternities by the level of hard they try, but you sound like you’re in fucking middle school. I don’t know why Tea Party even attempted to argue with you. You’re more than likely black, between the ages of 13-15, and uneducated on any political theory other than what your history teacher tells you. Get the fuck out of here, and stop making Alabama look bad.

      12 years ago at 6:55 pm
    21. Bama4Obama

      youre the troll. youre replying to me so youre on the computer too. and youre a geed

      12 years ago at 6:58 pm
    22. White Goodman

      Dammit folks. Did y’all really think this guy was worth debating? Its like trying to convince that kid wearing a flatbill in history class that Robert Earl Keen is beter than Tyga. Even though its true, he still won’t believe it.

      12 years ago at 7:38 pm
    23. Nick Papagiorgio

      The grammar in this argument makes me think that neither of you are in HIGH SCHOOL, let alone able to obtain a .edu address.

      If you’re willing to argue on a goddamn website to a troll who obviously enjoys pissing people off, then at the very least out-class the man.

      12 years ago at 7:49 pm
    24. Fratman begins

      Fucking this!^ Burn in Hell geed, if you honestly believe that 9/11 was a conspiracy or an inside job then you need to jump feet first into wood chipper.

      12 years ago at 12:57 am
    25. hoorah

      Go fuck yourself Obama I’m in Afghanistan as I type but if any body will beat the shit out of this kid ill give u a hundred bucks and some cool rocks lol

      12 years ago at 9:22 am
    26. Skoalbrotherhood1899

      Hey bamaforobama, you deserve to get your fucking head stomped in for accusing the republican party for the WTC attacks. This ain’t some fucking joke dipshit, I know people who died in those towers. Nothing gets me more heated than liberal pussies like you who edu ate themselves off of YouTube and Jesse Venturas conspiracy theories, get the fuck out of our great country you dickless wonder.

      12 years ago at 9:23 am
    27. Bama4Obama

      this isnt a joke and its a crime that you have to fight for unnecessary wars. and as for the people that died in the towers its bad too that they died unjustly. im trying to spread the truth. theres tons of evidence. the steel melting at physically impossible temperatures for the scenario described, the fighter pilots being away on war games on that day, the 7th tower collapsing just like an implosion, the suspicious maintenance workers installing a new “security system” the weeks before, that there was a complete power shutdown the weekend before, 6 of the hijackers were seen in the middle east after the attack, bush and cheney wouldnt testify under oath, or separately, for the investigation. there were explosions at the base of the towers. the hijacker for the pentagon plane could barely fly a small cessna but pulled off very advanced maneuvers to hit the pentagon. and no plane wreckage was found. in PA the witnesses claimed there were no people on flight 93.

      12 years ago at 10:57 am
    28. Nitro Hazelton

      Go investigate the bottom of a gallon of bleach you sick fuck. How dare you come on this website and spew your pinko-commie garbage?

      12 years ago at 11:01 am
    29. hoorah

      I really hope you are not saying to me that this war is unnecessary. Because until you nut up and have the fu.ckin.g balls to serve the country that you call home then you don’t have a mother Fu.cking right to sayif its necessary I know what we are doing over here you do not

      12 years ago at 12:51 pm
    30. Sour_Frat_Kid

      Obama and all democrats in general are the weaker individuals, who can’t accomplish as much for themselves therefore they beg we grow closer and closer to communism. Fuck that noise, go Gingrich, go America.

      12 years ago at 3:12 pm
    31. Brobert F Kennedy

      While we’re discussing how retarded Obama is, look up John P. Holdren. He’s Obama’s hand picked science adviser. He’s written books about how he wants to reduce human civilization to a hunter gatherer phase through the destruction of the economy by creating a world government to have forced abortions and sterilizations for an estimated 6+ billion people because he’s afraid we’re going to overpopulate (which is virtually impossible and would take hundreds of years at the current technology level because technology is actually improving faster than the population is growing especially given the fact the world birth rate is coming down in all of the western world and china.

      In short the guy is an anti humanist. He thinks trees should have legal protection but people should be sterilized. He’s written books about it. It’s like the anti human Mein Kampf. Its called Ecoscience. He’s some liberal fucktard and all the big wigs on the left think he’s a genius.

      12 years ago at 11:24 pm
    32. Skoalbrotherhood1899

      It’s unreal that any fraternity would allow you to clean their fucking toilets let along become a fucking brother. Your a gross individual and a disgrace to our country, I pity the Greek system that Tolerates your fraternities existence let alone yours.

      12 years ago at 11:42 pm
    33. frateboh

      You’re an inadequate liberal, don’t associate yourself with Alabama or their greek life. Socialism is a great idea until you run out of other people’s money. May be you should take a class in normative economics not your socialist bullshit. You know all those social programs you speak, when they were founded the Soviets commended FDR for ther founding. The fucking USSR, brilliant

      12 years ago at 6:01 pm
    34. carolinahaze

      Anyone who even THINKS about defending that piece of shit communist yard monkey Barack Hussein Obama should have his balls cut off and fed to a goddamn squirrel. This site is for true patriots, not America-hating leftie liberal retards like Bama4Obama. Now go collect your welfare checks with all of the other Occupy Wall Street losers, because in about 8 months we’re going to elect a real (i.e. Republican) president who will finally get this country back on track and end the gravy train for you lazy pieces of shit.

      12 years ago at 8:40 pm
    35. yourlogicisflawed

      This is a response to “Tea Party Rage”…

      Allow me to dissect.

      “Obama being a Kenyesian”: First off, I’ll assume you meant “Kenyan”. If so, this is sheer speculation; a political-racist rhetoric that certain members of the GOP have formulated because they harbor anger and resentment. If you actually meant “Keynesian” in terms of the economic model devised by John Maynard Keyes, then you fail to see how regulating business actually leads to a healthier economic model, and that we should all understand this concept. Take your pick, but I’ll assume it was the former, and your lack of knowledge is borderline scary.

      By “paying his friends”: You mean keeping companies afloat regardless of what they do for society. Yes, he helped keep them open. And as a college student, I doubt you have much of a job. So tell me, are you going to go get STD tests off campus? Going to a clinic will cost a lot of money for all the tests. Planned Parenthood doesn’t just do abortions, and frankly you’re an idiot if you’re drawing all your conclusions on that company if that’s all you see.

      Was NDAA a good thing? No. But politics is like a game of chess, and the majority essentially checkmated Obama into a signature. The sections of NDAA that many people here seem to have a problem with are sections that were added into the document by Republican legislators and which the President verbally opposed but was powerless to stop. The only way he could have stopped these sections from being included would have been to try to veto the bill in its entirety, a move that would have been both political suicide as well as being futile. Congress would have simply overridden him. He is explicit in his opposition to exactly the parts of the bill everyone here hates, going so far as to detail exactly which sections he opposes and why. All of this is on record. The bill also restricts his ability to close Guantanamo Bay. The bill is fairly simple: draft legislation that will piss off the Democrats. Attach this legislation to a larger more important bill, like the Defense Spending Budget for the fiscal year 2012. Build a PR campaign highlighting the offensive parts of the bill, and toss it up on the news. Explain that it is necessary to “keep America safe” and that if Obama opposed the bill, he’s soft on terrorism. Liberals get pissed at the threat to civil liberties. The legislation gets passed, and goes to the President’s desk. If the President signs, his party is pissed at him. If he vetoes, his veto is overridden and he is a failure. He can’t explain it, because most people just don’t care. All they will remember is that they think the President became evil. The GOP is proud of this underhanded move. They’ve destroyed the confident base Obama had. And passed a bill that would ultimately make the government and military stronger, despite a verbal opposition as their mantra. Obama had a lose-lose situation; he either harmed the Defense policy, making him appear weak, or passed the bill knowing the full political blame that would fall upon him.

      You cite the Constitution, which I doubt you’ve ever bothered to read in it’s entirety. I will associate you with the multitude of so-called “Christians” who haven’t actually bothered to read the Holy Bible. Our forefathers wrote the Constitution to be an ever-ameliorating document. And we’ve amended it many times. Liberty is a word that is losing it’s meaning. That said, Patriot is also being misconstrued.

      You’re so concerned with healthcare. Why? There are plenty of doctors out there. And I highly doubt you would have done a great deal of research before you need your appendix removed. If you’re so concerned with our nation as a whole, you should understand we’re all on the same team. The political lines of “Republican / Democrat” have divided us, and this division is exactly what they need to divert our attention. We’re so focused on quarreling with each other that we fail to see our liberties be stripped away.

      In all, it’s great to see you have an interest in politics. But don’t assume you know anything. Because you’re spewing someone else’s ideas.

      12 years ago at 4:48 pm
    36. yourlogicisflawed

      Now I’m reading all of your comments. And you’re all fucking retarded. Liberal, Conservative, Republican, Democrat. Yank or Redneck. You judge and jab everyone, even though you’re here because of a commonality.

      You’re all part of the goddamned problem in this country.

      The United States was a good country. We can be great again. But the root of our problem is that we’re spending too much time quarreling over petty strife and not focusing on the issues that our economic model is outdated, we’ve outsourced all of our jobs, our education system is an embarrassment and we have no real plans for the future because of our greed today.

      We spend so much time– you guys here on this fucking blog and the politicians who are more like you than you can imagine– arguing with each other. We all need conflict in our lives. Wake up. There’s conflict everywhere, and you can put your brilliant minds to something if you’d stop quarreling over petty differences and personal attacks.

      It’s all just a pissing contest, because you all have your own personal beliefs, and the second they’re challenged, you just fight back. You don’t consider there may be an alternative — or maybe better — stance on something than the one you think you have because you saw something on the news or hated a group of people because they looked different from you.

      But you’ll hold your stances to death. Because you’re more opinionated than you are intelligent. And this type of Egoism is why the rest of the world looks at us like they would an adult with Down syndrome. They kind of pity us, but at the same time, are very afraid of what we’re capable of.

      We are the leaders of the free world, even though that window closes more every year. We need to lead by example. Instead, we bicker. I’m an American and I’m proud of it. But I’m not proud of what bitches we’ve become. We’re so caught up in the details that we fail to see the larger picture.

      Keep your “frat” (and fuck all of you freshmen-esque bitches who use that abbreviation… it’s an insult to any Fraternity) clothing and drink your beer and fuck all those girls you want. Because you know what? When you get to the real world, it’s going to be a bitch.

      12 years ago at 5:02 pm
    37. fratanomics

      No I’m pretty sure you missed the entire point. People aren’t going to behave in real life like they do on this website. You ranting and posting walls of texts is like the crazy preacher on every campus. No one is actually listening, just pointing and laughing. If this were a debate hall or a chapter meeting, people would be paying attention and likely correcting many of the incorrect statements and logical fallacies you have in your posts.

      12 years ago at 7:33 pm
    38. yourlogicisflawed

      My point is that despite posting a couple paragraphs, others who feel their views challenged are much quicker to attack others than read and learn something.

      You say people don’t behave in real life like they do on this site. I’m not one of them. So if you have something to correct in either of my posts, feel free.

      12 years ago at 7:43 pm
    39. fratanomics

      Hey look everyone, it’s the crazy preacher everyone! No I will leave the super politics for somewhere other than an ill-equipped forum for swapping “frat” stories.

      12 years ago at 8:24 am
    40. C A Bro

      Hey Bama4Obama, demand-side stimulus doesn’t do shit in the long-run. No boost to the economy whatsoever. Pick up an economics textbook.

      12 years ago at 11:42 pm
    1. Halls_Of_Ivy

      After trudging through the post above, I have to admit I busted out laughing when I read this.

      12 years ago at 12:28 pm
  1. anon7472974648

    Good work. Alum president/regional advisor guys = same guy who ran for risk management, historian, and every other position to show off his fraternity superboner.

    12 years ago at 3:28 pm
  2. Roger Sterling Jr

    I’m starting to think that “not knowing how to use commas” must be a prerequisite for becoming a TFM staff writer.

    12 years ago at 6:23 pm
  3. swoop91

    This. Currently in a meeting with my Fat Tits as we speak. He brought his son to watch..

    12 years ago at 7:19 pm
  4. AlphaWolf

    Weed is for GDIs. You wouldnt have fucked over your trip if you did some coke like a man.

    12 years ago at 8:43 pm
    1. KappaSigCU

      see usually i would agree but please tell me why in Gods name would you want to be coked up before you are literally confined in a small space with three other dudes. Sounds like a recipe for disaster

      12 years ago at 3:13 pm
  5. More Frat Than You

    Hey batta batta! Hey batta batta! Hey batta batta! SWING!

    ….And a miss.

    12 years ago at 9:41 pm