Sterling Cooper’s Heroes: Andrew Jackson


This is the first installment in a series that I call “Sterling Cooper’s Heroes.” This series will be about men and women (honestly–probably just men), who typify a combination of fratness, gentlemanliness and general badassery. For the inaugural article, I’ve picked a man who has long been one of my favorite Presidents: Andrew Jackson.

Jackson was born on March 15, 1767 on the border between North and South Carolina. His parents were…blah blah blah, get to the awesome shit already. He joined the Revolutionary Army at 13 and worked as a courier. He and his brother were captured by the British, and at the age of 14, Jackson decided to let the world know exactly how big his balls were when he refused to shine a British officer’s boots and was slashed with a sword as a result. I wasn’t there but I would imagine the exchange went something like this:

“You, boy. Shine my shoes.”

“How about you shine the head of my cock first, you limey fuck?”

This was only the beginning of Jackson’s apparent lack of fear in the face of danger. He participated in 13 duels, the most famous of which was with Charles Dickinson. Jackson, with his titanium testicles, told Dickinson that instead of shooting simultaneously, he’d let him have the first shot. Yeah that’s right, Jackson stood there and let Dickinson shoot him in the fucking chest, which may be the best ever example of TFTC. So with a bullet next to his heart, Jackson stood his ground and shot and killed Dickinson. Oh and that bullet stayed in his body for the rest of his life. Good thing he was pre-airline, because going through TSA with a man-sized bullet in your chest would be a bitch.

Jackson’s nickname was Old Hickory. Ordinarily this wouldn’t be that cool of a nickname, but he earned it carrying around a wooden cane and beating the shit out of people. The best example of this was when an idiot named Richard Lawrence attempted to assassinate him. Lawrence jumped out of a crowd and pulled a pistol on Jackson, which misfired. He pulled a second pistol, which also misfired, leading me to believe that the big man upstairs was a pretty big fan of Jackson, too. After seeing this dude fuck up shooting him twice, Jackson didn’t hide under an entourage of Secret Service agents, he ran up and started wailing on Lawrence’s ass with his cane. Jackson had to be restrained by his aides, making it the first and only time in history that a President’s bodyguards have had to restrain him from killing an assassin instead of the other way around.

When the British threatened New Orleans in the War of 1812, Jackson went down and assumed control of the militia there. After the infamous Battle of New Orleans, the British had 2,037 casualties. The Americans? 71 casualties. Oh, did I forget to mention that the British came with 7,500 troops against Jackson’s 5,000?

In case you forgot, Andrew Jackson was also President of the United States for two terms. It wasn’t much of a presidency, really. He only took on the corrupt Bank of the United States, pushed for westward settlement (Manifest Destiny, motherfucker), and paid off the national debt. Wait, what was that last one? Yeah, he paid off the entire fucking national debt. In fact it’s the only time in US history that this has ever been done. Hey, Congress, are you listening?

You might be thinking right now that Andrew Jackson was a pretty awesome dude. And you’d be right in the same way that Stevie Ray Vaughan was a pretty good guitarist and John McClane was a pretty good cop. He was also a very reflective and sensitive guy. On his last day in office, Jackson admitted that he had some regrets about his presidency, two regrets in particular. They were that he “had been unable to shoot Henry Clay or hang John C. Calhoun.” So next time you’re bragging about kicking a GDI’s ass at some bar to your boys, just remember that Andrew Jackson is not fucking impressed.

  1. Frat_KingCole

    Jackson was FaF, Dickinson was known for having amazing shooting skills but he still let him shoot first. Tight

    13 years ago at 8:13 pm
    1. bornFAF

      This was also the occasion, if I’m not mistaken, that Jackson used some of those crazy balls of his and pulled quite possibly the most cunning move ever made by a President. Jackson allowed Dickinson to shoot first only because Jackson, being as skinny as he was, wore an extra large over coat and proceeded to pull it to the side so that the buttons were off center. With this alteration Dickinson, being the great shot that he was, hit exactly where Jackson’s heart SHOULD have been. However since Jackson altered the position of his jacket, the bullet missed his heart and he was then able to fire on Dickinson.

      13 years ago at 8:58 pm
    2. Sigcess

      bornFAF you got a link to that, ive never heard that before.

      this was a good sterling post

      13 years ago at 9:56 pm
    3. SperryCrossSiders

      You forgot to mention him showing the Indians who’s boss by making they’re red asses march down the trail of tears.

      13 years ago at 2:32 pm
  2. General Frattis

    This is fucking excellent. Got to remember that the slaughter of the British in New Orleans took place after The Treaty of Paris. Invading a city and whooping ass after the treaty was already signed. TFTC?

    13 years ago at 8:15 pm
    1. The Frat Czar

      The War of 1812 was fought against the British, Miss Priss. You;d know that if you actually read the column.

      13 years ago at 11:28 pm
    2. FrattyBoh

      I love when sorostitutes post strongly opinionated and suspect statements, hilarity is always guaranteed in the refutations.

      13 years ago at 1:13 pm
  3. Davy Crockett

    “Which may be the best ever example of TFTC.”

    Definitely my favorite Sterling Cooper quote.

    13 years ago at 8:19 pm
  4. Fratlanta Falcons

    My favorite thing about Andrew Jackson were his Inauguration parties. Tubs of liquor on the White House lawn? A block of cheese the size of a modern-day small car? Those parties were shitshows.

    13 years ago at 8:24 pm
    1. DoubleBlackDiamond

      Agreed, a true example of FaF and a maverick politician. Jon Meacham’s American Lion is a great read.

      13 years ago at 1:05 am
  5. Jenkens

    Andrew Jackson was a badass, but he hated old money. John C. Calhoun was FaF, old money SC senator.

    13 years ago at 8:27 pm
    1. scbro91

      JCC was not Old Money, he was in Genteel poverty his whole life. He died 50,000 dollars in debt. His house was sold to multiple people to pay off his debt.

      13 years ago at 8:35 pm
    2. Alphaxilovesme

      He hated old money because he did not come from it. Also…his wife was a hooker.

      13 years ago at 8:41 pm
    3. James Sherrell

      If Jackson heard – or read – you call his lady a hooker, I bet you’d be getting ready for a duel.

      13 years ago at 9:38 pm
    4. Sperrys Frattin Hard

      Calhoun was on the Confederate 100 dollar bill… About as frat as it gets.

      13 years ago at 2:00 am
  6. RonFratSaladWhite

    I’m not usually that interested in history, but I throughly enjoyed this column. Well done, keep ’em coming.

    13 years ago at 8:30 pm
    1. Frat E. Lee

      Admitting you have little to no interest in history means you may as well have just admitted that you’re a pussy.

      13 years ago at 8:52 pm
  7. Strom Thurmond

    Sterling, while I agree with many of the things you address relating to how amazing Jackson was before his Presidency, Jackson drastically increased the scope of the Presidency and was truly the first big government liberal President. This is proved by his stance against John C Calhoun and the state of South Carolina attempting to stand up for the 10th Amendment during the Nullification Crisis. Sadly I have to disagree with you, because Jackson increased the scope of the Presidency past what the Constitution allowed for and began a slow developing slippery slope of big government mentalities in government which lead to FDR, Carter and now Barack Hussein Obama

    13 years ago at 8:31 pm
    1. scbro91

      He was not big government he was pro American. There is a difference between big government and pro Unionism.

      13 years ago at 8:36 pm
    2. Alphaxilovesme

      Not to mention opening the political spectrum up to the lower classes…his most notable claim to fame…def not FaF

      13 years ago at 8:50 pm
    3. Federalist

      this is all true and ‘not frat’ but he was still a total bad ass and used his power to strengthen the power of the American people. also he hazed THE FUCK out of Florida (hazing Florida is always a TFM) and completely kicked all the natives off of the east coast to give jobs and land to Americans. to top it all off, when he won the presidency the threw an epic ragefest on the lawn of the white house. moral of the story, don’t critize his politics (he probably would have beat you with his cane).

      13 years ago at 10:52 pm
    4. brostock

      The whole nullification thing was retarded. If SC had its way, states would have been able to nullify federal laws, making the federal government essentially powerless. I’m all for states’ rights, but that’s taking it a tad far.

      13 years ago at 11:15 pm
    5. Manchild

      South Carolina giving a big middle finger to the powers that be essentially since 1719. TFTC.

      13 years ago at 1:31 am
    6. ThrowWhatYouKnow

      Bless your heart, Frat 4 Life, but everybody knows that prior to the late 19th century the democrats were conservative and the republicans were more liberal; this makes Jackson the “first modern democrat” a complement not an insult.

      13 years ago at 3:26 pm
    7. PhinestMu

      no because “modern democrats” are liberal. He is the first MODERN DEMOCRAT, not first democrat.

      13 years ago at 3:30 pm
    8. older row

      Learn the difference between “modern” and “contemporary.” Then come back.

      13 years ago at 6:06 pm
  8. BroForceOne

    You forget that he opened the White House to the city of Washington, D.C. when he won the Presidency to throw one of the biggest ragers in history. Another great article, though.

    13 years ago at 8:35 pm
  9. Alphaxilovesme

    Jackson was a notable man, but you of course left out two of his most memorable claims to fame. One, the Trail of Tears. Thousands of Native Americans died during forced migrations to the mid-west. And two, the development of the Kitchen Cabinet–possible the most GEED move of any politician in the history of the American Presidency. And although the ^statement claims Calhoun was his VP (Calhoun was the FaF man of the Antebellum South) they did not get along AT ALL. Calhoun was in favor and support of the Bank and the American System of Henry Clay (Jackson was COMPLETELY against it). Please take a class on History and stop getting your information from Wikipedia. You just make yourself look ignorant.

    13 years ago at 8:35 pm
    1. scbro91

      Calhoun was not FaF, he was poor guy who was cold and calculating. Terrible person, great politician and orator.

      13 years ago at 8:37 pm
    2. Alphaxilovesme

      Calhoun owned a large plantation and large pieces of land along with being a warhawk. He was in both the Senate and House of Representatives. He wrote the Tariff of Abominations, predicted the Secession of South Carolina 40 years before the Civil War. Of course if you’re a Yankee you wouldn’t agree with this, but this man was the ultimate Southerner of his time.

      13 years ago at 8:40 pm
    3. Sexpert

      Well said about the Trail of Tears, a complete travesty and an example of what America is not supposed to stand for. However I do like how he destroyed the Bank of the United States because God help us all if the government controlled the banks.

      13 years ago at 8:41 pm
    4. Bro Co and Coke

      You should check your facts before you try to call some one ignorant. I would hope that you realized that the trail of tears took place after his presidency, however the Indian removal act was passed during his term in office. That is assuming you are talking about the removal of the Cherokee nation, not all of the 5 civilized tribes. Also they were sent to Oklahoma not the midwest.

      13 years ago at 9:28 pm
    5. Alphaxilovesme

      How about a Geography class for you my friend? Where is Oklahoma in the spectrum of the United States, middle and WEST? Sorry about the confusion and glad to clear it up for you. BTW…Andrew Jackson was president from 1829-1837. Does this make him president in 1830 when he passed the executive order to remove the native tribes? Why yes, yes it does. Oh and the little misunderstanding about the Indian Removal Act–It was the Case of Worcester v. Georgia (Jackson defied the ruling of the Supreme Court and MADE AN EXECUTIVE ORDER to remove the Native Tribes).—–This is the website that you got your information from (I double checked–and yes I was right). I am glad you like Mr. Cooper can read the first line of a wikipedia article. Reading one line of a Wiki article does not a history scholar make. Simple reading is a mark of what…a first grader? Good try my friend…but you simply made yourself sound ignorant as well.

      13 years ago at 10:26 pm
    6. scbro91

      I worked at Calhoun’s house. He died impoverished. His plantation is not large by any stretch of the imagination. He was a shrewd politician, thats about it. He did not write the tariff of abominations, he fought against it in the defense of slavery. He did not “predict secession” many before him had predicted disunion. I am from Upstate South Carolina. If there is anything else you would like me to prove you wrong in just ask.

      13 years ago at 11:44 pm
    7. fraturday123

      alphaxiloesme, Oklahoma is in the Southwestern part of the United States, not the Midwest. Ask anyone from that region and I’m sure they would tell you the same. As for your comment, writing too long is just a small step away from trying too hard, my friend.

      13 years ago at 12:03 am
    8. johnwallofKD

      You do realize that regardless of his poor upbringing that Andrew Jackson was born in The Carolinas. Therefore, Jackson was a Southerner also. If you are a history major, you should know to look at the context of the period of time you are studying. The Trail of Tears happened. Was it sad from a modern perspective? Of course, but it happened because the majority of society did not want to interact with the Native Americans. Do not make a big deal about the Trail of Tears when John C. Calhoun was a major supporter of slavery. It is contradictive considering the treatment of both groups was horrendous. Sterling Cooper’s article was for fun. This website is for fun. Please understand that before you think you can give us a history lesson.

      13 years ago at 4:34 am