Sterling Cooper’s Heroes: General George S. Patton


There are many qualities that I consider when evaluating who, out of all the great men that have lived, stands higher than the rest and should be considered a “hero.” So far we’ve seen presidents, writers and poker players. Today we’ll be looking at someone who is not only a true badass, but also happens to be one of our own.

Unlike many people who rise from nothing into greatness, George S. Patton was born with a standard for his life already established. His grandfather was a decorated colonel in the Confederate Army during the Civil War, and died a soldier’s death in the Third Battle of Winchester. Patton grew up knowing that he would need to strap on a pretty big set of balls to live up to his family name. Instead of dicking around on the Xbox, he spent his time listening to his father tell stories about his war hero friends, and decided at a young age that he wanted to be a general. When it was time to leave for college, he selected the Virginia Military Institute. While a big reason for his attendance there was likely that his grandfather went there, I’m going to assume that he did it solely to pledge and become a brother of the Kappa Alpha Order. After finishing his pledgeship (which undoubtedly made all of ours look like a bunch of Care Bears in a tickle fight), he transferred to West Point.

Not satisfied with simply being an officer in the Army, he participated in the 1912 Olympics. It would probably be just a cool fact if he’d done something like a foot race, but no, he participated in the pentathlon. The modern pentathlon is a competition designed completely around skills that a soldier should have: fencing, pistol shooting, swimming, horseback riding, and cross country running. Not satisfied with finishing fifth place (in spite of not being a trained athlete), Patton traveled to France to “brush up” on his skills with the sword. And by “brush up,” I mean he trained with a master swordsman, wrote a treatise about it, came back to the US and became the Army’s youngest ever “Master of the Sword,” and then proceeded to completely overhaul the Army’s saber fighting techniques…all before the age of 28. And you thought shotgunning three beers in one minute was impressive…

While technically a cavalry officer, Patton realized that horses were well on their way out of usefulness in modern warfare. Since the US wasn’t producing tanks at the time, he again traveled to France and learned to drive their tanks. This later proved useful when the US caught on to the whole “oh yeah tanks are fucking awesome” idea. Patton was quickly promoted up to colonel and put in charge of an entire tank brigade at the age of 33. He finished out the end of the First World War in a hospital due to the unfortunate circumstance of having been shot several times by a fucking machine gun.

In between the two wars, Patton spent his time writing papers on strategy, kicking it with Eisenhower, and driving his “battle tank” through dozens of young women (probably). Also, he stood up to Douglas MacArthur for using force on veterans protesting their lack of payment for their services in the war on two grounds: first, one of the guys in the protest was the soldier who saved his life, and secondly because MacArthur was, according to Patton, “being a huge douchefuck.”

Not content with writing papers and the general lack of action going on (and because he figured charging into machine gun fire wasn’t enough excitement for one lifetime), Patton decided to get back on the ole’ war horse and take over command of the North African campaign in WWII. Without getting boringly specific, let’s just say that his intense speed style of tank warfare ended up making the Germans and the Italians run back to their countries crying for strudel and gelato.

In perhaps his most intense (and most controversial) moment, Patton went into a battlefield hospital to visit his wounded soldiers. Everyone, including those who were extremely injured, jumped to attention out of respect for their general, except one guy. The private in question didn’t salute Patton and wasn’t physically injured. When Patton asked him some form of “What the fuck is your problem?” the private said something to the effect of “Yeah, I’m just not feeling it today.” Your average general might have reprimanded him or sent him to the brig. Intead, Patton just slapped him in the fucking face and dragged him by his collar out of the tent and then literally kicked him in the ass before walking off. So, next time there’s an idiot pledge not showing proper respect, handle the situation properly. If administration doesn’t like it, just remind them, WWGMFPD (What Would George MotherFucking Patton Do?).

  1. Frattin LikeMy Daddy

    “Give me an army of West
    Point graduates and I’ll win a battle. Give me a handful of Texas Aggies
    and I’ll win the war”

    13 years ago at 7:53 pm
    1. Paul Hazinger

      DIdn’t he say “Give me an army of Texas Aggies and they’ll play dress up and yell at everybody”?

      13 years ago at 8:08 pm
    2. inFRATry

      “I want an officer for a secret and dangerous mission. I want a West Point football player.” -Gen. George Marshall

      13 years ago at 8:34 pm
    3. ATO_Texas

      Alright “Frattin”, go ahead and assume I’m a liberal. And last I checked, most college towns are full of GDIs, since Greeks are (sadly) a minority. And it’s infested, not invested you dipshit. A&M Greek life is a joke, go back to your shithole College Station.

      13 years ago at 10:31 pm
  2. ShooterMcGavin

    Wait, you said one of our own. I guess you’re talking about being American because everyone knows you weren’t in a real fraternity, Mr. Cooper. Great article, for a geed.

    13 years ago at 7:57 pm
    1. Damn Right

      Again, we have absoluetly 0 proof Ster Coop isnt in a fraternity. A couple of people spread a rumor, thats litterally the only evidence we have.

      13 years ago at 8:26 pm
    2. Brahcision maker

      he isn’t stalking you and trolling you so you should get a life and stop doing the same, Shooter. I hope people don’t disrespect all of your great columns. oh wait.

      13 years ago at 9:02 pm
    3. booze haze slam

      stop covering for the geed and getting mad when people say he is. fucking pussy.

      13 years ago at 9:07 pm
    4. StayFrattyAlum

      Leave the author alone, it was entertaining. On his last post everyone was trying to figure out who is he is/his fraternity, etc.

      Just so you guys know ‘Sterling Cooper’ is the name of the firm in ‘Mad Men’….Damn.

      13 years ago at 9:12 pm
    5. Fratlanta Falcons

      No shit we know what Sterling Cooper is. I’m sure you’re aware that’s not what the argument is about. Thanks for playing.

      13 years ago at 9:53 pm
    6. StayFrattyAlum

      In the last article people were looking up the last name Cooper. Don’t overestimate some of the members on this board.

      13 years ago at 9:57 pm
    7. Keystoned

      Hey fucktard that’s him whether you like it or not. You can believe what you want but that is him.

      13 years ago at 11:50 pm
    8. SiVisPacemParaBellum

      Stop being an idiot Shooter. You have no proof that Cooper is anything less than a witty, well-educated Fraternity man and your unfounded accusations just make me question your integrity. If you find actual proof that Cooper is a GDI, fine- post it. Until then, get your head out of your ass and just enjoy a well-written column about an American hero, you jackass.

      13 years ago at 7:26 am
    9. Brahcision maker

      that is flawed logic my friend. That is assuming The Piker didn’t lie when he got made fun of for his picture. That is also assuming that the people claiming that Cooper is the Cooper from ACU Galaxy are correct, the biggest doubter of Cooper is from Texas, thousands of miles away from the Cooper he claims to have met and saw was not a fraternity man. But your theory is possible because only 50% of the content here is user-generated which is bullshit anyway

      13 years ago at 8:55 am
    10. FrederickHermanJones

      Can we get a link to where these comments were made? I’m just trying to bring myself up to speed with this Cooper/GDI situation, as I’m sure many other users who aren’t quite as steadfast as the rest are. My own two cents is that it’s highly unlikely the user Sterling Cooper is a GDI, but that’s just me. How would he be allowed to be an editor were he a GDI? Unless… I’m kidding.

      I am, however, proud of TFM for getting so big that it’s finally experiencing it’s first scandal. This could turn bad for TFM and Cooper if he doesn’t confirm his brotherhood.

      13 years ago at 9:37 am
    11. tx_raised_tx_hazed

      For the 69th time, I’ve met the so-called “Sterling Cooper” (hey, did you guys know that is from the TV show, Mad Men?! Dumbass.), and he is in a social club called Galaxy at Abilene Christian University. I know this because I also attended that university for some time. There is also a TFM intern that goes to ACU, which could be why Sterling Cooper is allowed to be such a big name on a “fraternity” site. Sterling Cooper is a GDI, whether he is an amazing writer or not.

      On a different note, good column geed.

      13 years ago at 2:50 pm
    12. Peyton Fratting

      I guess we’ll never really know until he comes out with his long-form bid certificate.

      13 years ago at 4:52 pm
    13. older row

      This would also explain why he’s so secretive. Someone sent me a page with a UMich student interviewing the founder of TFM and it said he spoke on condition of anonymity.
      To be fair though, it’s possible that ACU administration is hostile towards Greek life (think Princeton) and thus the social clubs are essentially fraternities without letters. Or I could be completely wrong, I’d never even heard of ACU before this.

      13 years ago at 5:48 pm
    14. ShooterMcGavin

      Piker couldn’t go 5 minutes without commenting on some random forums, but now we don’t ever hear from piker.

      13 years ago at 8:53 pm
    15. ShooterMcGavin

      tx_raised_tx_hazed if you have personally met Sterling Cooper, then why not just tell everyone his name and end this speculation?

      13 years ago at 11:48 am
    1. OrderontheBorder

      Is this true? I figured there would be something in the Kappa Alpha Journal about him being a member. Unless he didn’t graduate as a KA or become a KA alumni then that would make sense. Either way I’m as hard as a diamond in an ice storm.

      13 years ago at 7:56 am
    2. KA born and bred

      It just sucks that he killed Thousands of nazis and then dies from injuries in a car wreck 1 year after the war.

      13 years ago at 9:18 am
    1. CaptainBrohab

      Judging from the comments, it seems in your arrogance, Mr. Cooper, that you unfortunately succumbed to hubris. By boasting of your online identity, you had revealed that you were not a member of the Greek community, and now have sowed your own downfall.

      13 years ago at 8:29 pm
    2. The Big LeFratski

      would someone bring me up to speed on how he boasted of his online identity and sowed his own downfall?

      13 years ago at 8:34 pm
    3. KSigAndCopenhagen

      My thought process is being altered after reading these comments. What the fuck

      13 years ago at 9:00 pm
    4. Reagan22

      He isn’t in a fraternity according to alledged posts. Now, whether or not this is true or not Mr. Cooper has never given an answer.

      13 years ago at 9:06 pm
    5. OleMiss_1848

      Except for the fact that Sterling Cooper said there are guys in his CHAPTER he doesn’t like. The Galaxy social club that people claim he is a member of is only located at ACU. Therefore it does not qualify as a CHAPTER. Nice try RockChalkBroHawk. Better luck next time.

      13 years ago at 11:03 pm
    6. 1868 Fratting

      ^i thought he stated that he was quoting a favorite TFM, not that he actually belonged to a chapter

      13 years ago at 11:37 pm
    7. Fratty Tissue

      You guys can start talking shit when you start writing great posts like he does. Also, unless he himself states that he isn’t a member of the greek community, get off his dick and continue on with you’re self-aggrandizing life.

      13 years ago at 2:03 am
    1. Raged and Confused

      The private said “I just can’t take it anymore.” Then Patton bitch slapped his GDI ass

      13 years ago at 9:34 pm
    1. breaux tigers

      Please refer to rockchalkbrohawk’s equally ignorant and irrelevant comment. You stupid fucking geed. Besides, whoever sterling Cooper is (whether he is a fraternity man or not) writes well written, brilliant columns. Go drink a four loko and cut yourself or something.

      13 years ago at 9:32 pm
  3. AlcoholEnthusiast

    I hope Sterling Cooper is really George Bush’s TFM account, and one day informs us of this with indisputable proof, just so some of these conspiracy theorists on here shit themselves.

    13 years ago at 8:52 pm