Still Haven’t Lost Your Virginity? Blame Your DNA

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Hey, virgins (I’m not a virgin, by the way, which is why I’m addressing them as a whole and not including myself in the same group) — you are, for the first time in your young lives, in luck. Gone are the days where you only have yourselves to blame for your glaring sexual inadequacies. Are you devoid of poon because you’re ugly, stupid, fat, awkward, terrible with women, diseased, or just plain unbearable? Maybe, but now you can blame it all on your parents!

From The Guardian:

Though mostly driven by upbringing and peer behaviour, a person’s age when they first have sex is also shaped by biological factors where genes have a role to play.

Researchers found that differences in DNA could account for a quarter of the variation in the age at which people lost their virginity, with other factors, among them religious beliefs, family background and peer pressure, making up the rest.

“We were able to calculate for the first time that there is a heritable component to age at first sex, and the heritability is about 25%, so one quarter nature, three quarters nurture,” said John Perry, an expert in reproductive ageing and related health conditions at Cambridge University.

Granted, if you’re still a virgin at this point (unlike me), your parents are, most likely, the only people who have, or will ever, love you, so you might not want to throw them under the bus. Still — if you want it, here’s your out.

This evidence supporting the idea that virgins are the way they are because of their genetics is a huge step in the right direction for virgins (this doesn’t affect me at all, since I am not one). Now that we know virginity is genetic, like skin color, weight, and gender, virgins can finally claim all discrimination against virgins is insensitive and not politically correct. Huzzah!

I’m going to extrapolate here. As you all know, 21 is the minimum age at which you are allowed to lose your virginity. It’s in the constitution. Look it up. So it appears that being a criminal is also embedded in DNA, as those who lose their virginity before the age of 21 were born to be lawbreakers.


[via The Guardian]

Image via YouTube

  1. sethheader

    We get it you’re not a virgin! Did you thank your mom for taking it from you?

    8 years ago at 1:30 pm
      1. ThomasMuthafuckinJefferson

        He literally is the patron saint of buttsuff. You address him as “your holiness”

        8 years ago at 2:43 pm
    1. 2Girls1Cup

      I remember the days of “Yo Momma” jokes. That decade went by really quick.

      8 years ago at 8:17 pm
  2. PrezMorningWood

    Still haven’t lost your virginity? Just call Dorn or his mom; they do house calls.

    8 years ago at 1:35 pm
  3. Dave1029

    Is wanting to kill yourself whenever a woman opens her mouth hereditary? Cause that’s my reason.

    8 years ago at 1:52 pm
  4. Busch deLight

    I remember like it was yesterday….all day summer party on the lake, late night, back seat of a white OJ Bronco. She was a 5, maybe a 4….OK, she was a 3. Weighed a good 40 pounds more than I did. I got in there and surprisingly lasted longer than I thought I would. Made it about 20 pumps before I was done. Went back in the party like nothing happened. Did that fat girl maybe 10 more times that summer.

    8 years ago at 2:26 pm