Stuff Frat People Hate: LeBron James

Now I know LeBron James may be one of our countries most talented athletes, and I could only dream of doing some of the things he is capable of. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that he has a horrible inclination for being such a whiny bitch.


There are several shortcomings for Mr. James, and I am here to shed a little light on why we as fraternity gentlemen should curse his very existence. First of all, he plays for Miami. For those not aware, Miami is the geed-infested yankee capital of the south. Entire areas of this v-necked city don’t even speak English, and while the bars in South Beach can be pretty impressive, the afflicted patrons ruin nearly any chance of a successful outing.


Another letdown of James’ is his notorious inability to close. Lebron is reminiscent of a smooth talking fraternity brother that becomes a helpless self-inflicted cockblocker come 1:00 AM. To continue the metaphor, it’s like he has the game and the charm to gather a huge crowd of slams at the bar, but come last call the ladies are nowhere to be found. I believe that notable badass Alec Baldwin said it best in his notorious “Always be closing” speech from Glengarry Glen Ross. LeBron needs to take note, because when the last cup is on the table he’s missing the shot by a mile. Sorry LeBron, but coffee is for closers.

The final reason to hate LeBron is to acknowledge the fact he has never been appropriately hazed. By skipping college basketball completely, LeBron never had to work his way up from anywhere. LeBron was marked as a savior the moment he first set foot on an NBA court. In this regard, LeBron is a lot like a pledge brother who was conveniently “sick” every time you had to perform wall sits, recite your creed, and balance a cup of dip spit on your head simultaneously. While I am sure LeBron has put a lot of work into his game over the years, he’s never had the attitude adjustment that pledging offers us all. That’s a major loss of respect in my book.


LeBron will probably eventually get a championship, I get that, but he’s going to have to get harassed into shape by someone first, and I don’t think the Miami Heat have a whiskey-chugging 250lb fifth year senior handy like we did. And not to mention that Erik Spoelstra, Miami’s towel-boy turned head coach prodigy, looks like he’d be better suited to cleaning the Heat’s jockstraps rather than being on the sidelines. LeBron, I hope you read this and take the necessary steps to eliminate your inconsistencies. Hell, maybe you should read it a few times….Not five times, not six, not seven, but multiple.

    1. Damn Right

      Never been a fan of these columns either, although Ill still read most of them if I have the time

      13 years ago at 6:10 pm
    2. booze haze slam

      i enjoy watching james play but he is no closer and he does whine more than most. he had one good game in the tourney.

      13 years ago at 7:20 pm
    3. IvyFrat

      I’m with Damn Right. These columns are pretty fucking stupid, but what else am I going to do with my day.

      They remind me too much of Broslikethissite. Too bro-y.

      13 years ago at 7:51 pm
    4. KSigmaTX

      Things that frat people hate are dumb ass articles like this. Lebron didn’t need to go to college!! Do you hate on every single NBA player who went from high scoop to college?

      13 years ago at 9:45 pm
      1. Admin

        I think he made valid points aside from the fact that he didn’t go to college. Use more exclamation points next time.

        13 years ago at 8:46 am
    5. CaptainBrohab

      Look at the NBA players, the majority of their kind of fans, and the merchandise that is sold, and it should come as no surprise why pro-basketball fucking sucks.

      13 years ago at 7:35 am
    6. SouthernByGodsGrace

      The column is great. Especially the part about Miami, it’s the most un-American city in the US filled with immigrants who always talk shit about America and talk about how great their South American countries are.

      13 years ago at 1:04 pm
  1. KAvu

    “horrible inclination for being a such whiny bitch”
    “maybe you should read it a few times….Not five times, not six, not seven, but multiple”
    These articles are getting better

    13 years ago at 5:51 pm
  2. bow tie mcfly

    LeBron was named #4 worst at paying gratuity for services. Only beaten by Tiger. Any one notice a trend?

    13 years ago at 5:58 pm
  3. SNU

    Very true about what he said in regards to Miami. I’ve always considered Florida to be the east coast version of California.

    13 years ago at 6:04 pm
    1. Damn Right

      I live there and it pretty much is, except for the fact that most people Orlando and north are moderates/republicans. But damn, I litterally couldnt imagine living anywhere else…year round golf season, 2 different oceans/gulfs 3 hours away from each other, best fishing in the country. I love it

      13 years ago at 6:13 pm
    2. hazeway

      Agreed ^ the area I grew up in is FaF, but the surrounding areas are now flooded with spics.

      13 years ago at 7:42 pm
    3. IFWT

      Orlando has its areas that are rich as shit (Winter Park, Bay Hill, Isleworth) but for the most part it is a geed fest. UCF is plagued by a subpar greek system by fraternities that are top tier only because their brothers are the most “Jacked, tanned douchebags” on campus, meaning they’re guids from Miami. UCF gets a lot of these Miami transfers, which makes it NF. Hurts me to say that since I go there and try to perpetuate the “southern fratty” lifestyle, but these Miami douches are everywhere. Stick with Gainesville and north for frattiness in Florida.

      13 years ago at 10:55 pm
  4. Pike714

    “In this regard, LeBron is a lot like a pledge brother who was conveniently “sick” every time you had to perform wall sits, recite your creed, and balance a cup of dip spit on your head simultaneously.” This line is gold.

    13 years ago at 6:16 pm
  5. Sig o Sig

    Stuff Frat people like: When Lebron James brings back a gold olympic medal for the USA!

    13 years ago at 6:25 pm
  6. maximus fraticus

    So LeBron is a bitch because he “skipped” college basketball? So when you are guaranteed the number one overall pick and millions upon millions of dollars, your logic is to forego that and go play college basketball and risk injury in order to “get hazed.” Brilliant. Really, really, brilliant logic.

    13 years ago at 6:55 pm
    1. red_white_and_frat

      I’d have more respect for the man if he went to college, even for just a year. If he would have showed he wanted to educate himself just a little bit shows a lot in my opinion. I’m also from Ohio and the way he left my team was despicable, he has no balls at all. Dan Gilbert. FaF.

      13 years ago at 7:10 pm
    2. Luck Fiberals

      A guaranteed number one overall pick, $99 million dollars guaranteed through Nike and the ability to play at the highest level possible. If you risk any of that, you’re fucking retarded. Also, chances of him rushing a fraternity in college were low any ways. He made a fiscally responsible business decision by leaving Ohio (the taint of the midwest). And Dan Gilbert FaF? He went to MSU and made a promise he knows he can never keep, all the while making Cleveland look even worse then that God-forsaken town looks already. There is absolutely nothing fratty about Dan Gilbert or his son, who looks like he’s a chromosome short.

      13 years ago at 7:27 pm
    3. FAFternoon delight

      He didn’t go to college because he can’t handle the pressure of the finals

      13 years ago at 9:02 pm
    4. CaptainBrohab

      The NBA sucks. If you must watch basketball then stop at college, otherwise you should be following better sports (read: football and baseball).

      13 years ago at 7:38 am