Stuff Frat People Like: Drunken Alter-Egos

We all know that one brother. By day he may be calm, intelligent, and even appear to be a respectable member of society. But by night, something happens that can only be compared to an alcoholic werewolf on a full-moon bar crawl. When booze touches this gentleman’s lips, his drunken alter-ego comes out, and all hell breaks loose.

There are infinite types of alter-egos you are bound to encounter, but today I’m going to tackle the three you are most likely to find in your fraternal exploits.

First off, you have the destructive Belushi-esque alternate personality. This brother is your risk manager’s worst nightmare. When his metamorphosis occurs, he becomes a clumsy magnet of chaos and debauchery reminiscent of an out of control train with jet engines whose tracks end at a priceless fine china shop. You can track this drunken idiot simply by following the broken bottles and holes in the wall littering the Frat Castle. The best way to deal with these clowns (if you don’t have any form of tranquilizer) is to lock them in their own room to ensure the destruction is limited. Think of it like a “controlled burn.”

Next, is the “Jekyll/Hyde” type. This brother’s drunken persona is a complete 180 from his normal attributes. This brother is typically shy and introverted, but under the influence becomes a social butterfly eagerly dishing out high fives and trying to hit every high note in his rendition of “Bohemian Rhapsody.” In a lot of ways, this drunken alter-ego is an improvement and should be encouraged at all costs. It’s always fun to see a brother go from casually sipping a beer to shirtless rage mode surrounded by sorostitutes with a beaming smile on his face.

Finally is the ever annoying “Rocky Balboa” drunk. This character embraces a slurring combination of violence and borderline mental retardation. It is not uncommon to see him headbutting doors, brothers, and even pledges (to be fair they probably had it coming). Much like the Italian Stallion after whom he’s named, he simply doesn’t know when to quit. If he’s still stumbling around after 5 in the morning, for the love of God pull a Clubber Lang and put that asshole to bed. He’ll thank you in the morning. Everyone else will thank you right away.

Everyone knows a few guys who take their drunken exploits to a whole new level. While dealing with them is no easy task, most of the time they’re more entertaining than anything. Plus, they make the rest of us look sane in comparison.

    1. Fratrick Brochanan

      Well…having head butted a few pledges myself I guess I’m a Balboa…though Thunderlips seems more like me…

      13 years ago at 12:15 pm
    2. True_Gentleman27

      According to some of my brothers, they know to keep their distance once I turn my hat backwards.

      13 years ago at 1:25 pm
    3. Nitro Hazelton

      No, that’s when he breaks out the k-pins and starts giving them away to all the drunk sleuters.

      13 years ago at 1:31 pm
    4. True_Gentleman27

      I’m no PIKE therefore I have no “rape-mode” I was simply reffering to headbutts, however that was an entertaining comment

      13 years ago at 1:47 pm
  1. fraternize

    i feel like many types of drunks were left out. where’s overly-sentimental drunk or wants-pussy-and-pussy-only drunk?

    13 years ago at 12:08 pm
    1. Charleston FratEN

      I believe he was speaking of the drunk whose sole mission is to get laid, and he doesn’t care about anything else.

      13 years ago at 12:30 pm
  2. Proper Fratire

    We have a brother who’s a Rocky Balboa drunk verbatim… Such a pain in the ass.

    13 years ago at 12:20 pm
  3. carolinahaze

    My favorite are the drunks who start crying and saying “why did I join Pike?”

    13 years ago at 12:24 pm
    1. Ernest hemingbro

      haha witnessed one of those on my bid days. and kicked his ass off the front porch.

      13 years ago at 1:04 pm
    1. carolinahaze

      Who the fuck sings Bohemian Rhapsody at a party? That song was so complicated (and gay) that Queen themselves never even played the whole thing live once.

      13 years ago at 12:53 pm
    2. Marcus_Fratelius

      Ragging on Queen yet you’ve been to every live performance of them? NF my friend

      13 years ago at 3:52 pm
    3. carolinahaze

      Yeah, I was totally going to Queen concerts in the 1970’s when I wasn’t even born yet, idiot.

      It’s called Wikipedia. Queen always used a backing tape for that song because even they couldn’t sing it live.

      13 years ago at 4:31 pm
    4. Marcus_Fratelius

      Obviously a hyperbole… My point was that you know too much about queen. Let’s be honest, you didn’t need to look them up on wikipedia and if you did why the fuck did you bother? Dumbass

      13 years ago at 6:06 pm
  4. ShutUpAndDrink

    If you don’t know of at least one of these types of people in your house then you are that person.

    13 years ago at 4:29 pm