Stuff Frat People Like: New Orleans, Louisiana

There are a few places in the world that every self respecting human should see before they die. The Grand Canyon. The Great Barrier Reef. Whatever Europe is famous for. The clean pure air of these places is enough to make anyone smile and appreciate the peace and serenity of our world. But we are not self respecting humans, and New Orleans sure as hell isn’t one of those places. New Orleans is grimy, chaotic, loud, and more than anything else sinful. And that’s exactly why we love it so much. If you’ve never been, you might not believe the hype. It’s just piece of shit city with one good street that almost drowned, what’s so great about it? How ignorant you are my friend.

New Orleans, for several reasons, is one of the frattest cities in our glorious nation. No, I’m not talking about your snooty, tennis playing, Martha’s Vineyard kind of Frat. I’m talking about the dirty, no holds barred, alcoholic, balls to the wall, Fratting-so-hard-you-need-a-shower kind of Frat. A few key elements ascend New Orleans from mere city to glorious Fraternal Mecca.

First thing to note: The bars don’t close. Let me repeat that, in case you missed it: The. Bars. Don’t. Close. So naturally any ambitious Fraternal gentleman can (and should) drink until the Bloody Mary specials start in the morning. Go ahead and rail an adderall, because you aren’t going to be able to do this on your own.

Second: Hand Grenades. These sweeter-than-anything concoctions might first seem like a vaginally inclined Sorostitute drink, but don’t let their fluorescent green color fool you. Sure, it tastes like a liquefied Jolly Rancher, and granted its signature cup isn’t quite as manly as a Natty Ice tall boy, but these facts couldn’t be more misleading. Hand Grenades are the nectar of Satan himself designed for only one purpose: getting you unreasonably fucked up. The price is steep at around $7 a pop, but once you hit your third you’ll know why. Once basic motor functions become nearly impossible, I recommend you double-fist two more. I don’t know anything about Absinthe, but America’s alcoholic “green fairy” is more than enough for me. Europe sucks anyway.

Finally: The People. Anyone whose been knows exactly what I’m talking about. NOLA is the closest thing to a freakshow you can find without going under an oversized circus tent and being surrounded by elephant shit (though Bourbon Street does tend to have a distinctive aroma). Before New Orleans, I never thought it was possible to have fun in a city with so many crackheads and prostitutes (I took advantage of neither, trust me). On top of that, I’ve seen everything from dildo-carrying bachelorette parties, topless cougars, and even a blackout drunk Santa Claus.
A personal favorite experience of mine was when I met a toothless old man in the bathroom stall next to mine at Tropical Isle (Home of the 1000 proof death trap Hand Grenade). This interesting character alternated preaching Jesus quotes with snorting lines of coke off the urinal. He kind of looked like Jesus too, which only made it better.

“You gotta do unto others…” *SNIFF* “As you uh…you know kid..”

Only in New Orleans.

  1. TheTwelfthGate

    “Hand Grenades are the nectar of Satan himself designed for only one purpose: getting you unreasonably fucked up.”

    God’s Honest truth right there. Frat On.

    13 years ago at 10:59 am
    1. Mward2002

      Crazy shit happens down there after a few hand grenades. I’ve seen two sorority girls naked dancing on a stage, to a brother making out with a 60 year old woman just so he could have a set of blinking beads.

      And who can resist big ass beers to go?

      13 years ago at 11:16 am
    2. Engaged and underage

      You can get big ass beers to go on Beale St. in Memphis too! Definitely not as crazy as Bourbon St. but still an awesome place!

      13 years ago at 3:00 pm
    3. SkeetGraham

      ^Yeah Beale St. is really cool, any place where the cops have to wand all the ethnics first is a place I like to go…… fuck you.

      13 years ago at 7:29 pm
    4. inFRATry

      First, off they wand everyone before entrance to Beale St after 11. Second, Beale St. is a great place. Not as crazy as Bourbon St. but way more respectable and less dirty. Third, profiling only makes sense. Statistics don’t lie. Just man up and take it like a champ.

      13 years ago at 8:52 am
    5. I was born in Memphis. I love Beale Street. It has a great atmosphere and the street performers are awesome. There’s nothing better than hearing the twill of a sax on a street corner.

      13 years ago at 1:32 am
    1. ACKRED

      If there’s one thing that I’ve learned in my trips out of the Northeast it’s that everything is cheap beyond recognition down south. $5 packs of cigs, buck-fifty forties, and you can find a bar with a dollar beer night 7 nights a week.

      13 years ago at 11:17 am
    2. gym_frat

      New Orleans is a poor city, they make their money by what you refer to as, “expensive” seven dollars off dumb ass gdi’s like you- who get arrested for looking like a pussy because they know your going to get butt fucked in the bathroom of the Bourban Blues anyway (and do you favor by locking you to a wooden bench in the police station)- and at the same time squeeze 1,200 more dollars out of you.. you have now downgraded to the worst social status in the entire nation: a pussy ass broke gdi.

      13 years ago at 12:34 am
    3. Dave_Fratthews

      ^Your name is gym_frat. You don’t matter to anyone but yourself. And maybe that vaseline injected troll-doll Snookie. Thanks for stopping by.

      13 years ago at 4:05 pm
    4. BrainsAndABeauty

      It’s ridiculously cheap because it’s 7 dollars for about four servings of beverage.

      13 years ago at 8:04 pm
    1. fratatat

      NOLA is the best city in the world, the garden district is so fratty with tulane and st. charles, and magazine street.

      13 years ago at 4:26 pm
  2. OfficerAndAGentleman

    Never have I felt so comfortable around the most worthless people in the world as I have in New Orleans.

    13 years ago at 11:19 am
  3. Fratvalanche

    1. Hell Yes Frat On

    2. $7 is not steep it would be $20+ in Vegas which is why NOLA is so fucking great

    3. I’m glad someone already mentioned big ass beers to go, how that was left out I don’t know

    13 years ago at 11:36 am