Stuff Frat People Like: Philanthropies

I have to start this one off with a disclaimer: While it’s great that we as fraternity men get to donate massive amounts of money to charity in a fun and engaging way through philanthropies, let’s get real, it’s not even close to the real reason we like them so much.

We like philanthropies because we like to get fucked up at a completely unreasonable hour, dress up in ridiculous outfits, and play sports or games from our childhood in drunken stupors.

What other excuse is there for a batch of lovely Sorority women to show up at your door at 7am carrying a lethal mix of bagels, cream cheese, Gatorade, and pure grain alcohol? Though it’s almost a guarantee you are either still drunk from the night before, or nursing a massive hangover, the allure of the philanthropic event forces you to swallow your pride (and possibly vomit) to commit to a day of charitable debauchery.

After a hefty grain alcohol power hour, the group stumbles (or relies on oh-so-handy pledge rides) to take them to the court or field, where each and every other Fraternity is in the exact same near-blackout state.

There is only one thing in the world more competitive than rival Fraternities, and that’s drunk rival Fraternities. Suddenly, a simple game of dodgeball or cornhole becomes an epic duel to the death, with each Fraternity’s reputation and social standing on the line. Each out or score brings immeasurable joy that may very well make your founding fathers’ cheer in their graves.

Sorority girl coaches are not immune to this competitive fire, and it is not uncommon to see a Panhellenic woman shed her pearls and embroidered handbag to curse and yell along with the brothers. In case you were wondering, ladies, we absolutely love it when this happens. Nothing is better than seeing the same classy lady who refused to drink beer the night before (“because of the calories”) chugging grain alcohol and shouting slurs to her sisters serving as referees.

In most cases, if you prepared correctly, your team won’t last very long in the competition for obvious reasons (half the team leaving to go to the bars, players passing out mid-game, and the rest too incoherent to understand the rules). While this may go in the books as a loss for your Fraternity, remember that you actually did a good thing by participating in this charitable event. And, no, I’m not talking about the money you donated to the needy children or dogs or homeless or whatever. You successfully got drunk before 8am, and still have a whole day of liver abuse ahead of you. Rage on sir, rage on.

    1. Back woods

      ^This, I mean the originality just blows my mind. Its nothing like or

      13 years ago at 8:30 pm
    1. SEC frat star

      “Suddenly, a simple game of dodgeball or cornhole becomes an epic duel to the death”

      One can only hope they were referring to the shit show that is Theta Dodgeball.

      13 years ago at 9:05 am
    2. SigmaFratterson

      Theta Dodgeball. Great times every year. Nothing like crushing a team, walking to a house behind row, knocking out some keg stands and coming back to the field just to be crushed by SigEp and the roid boys.

      13 years ago at 9:06 am
    3. Bronan the Barbarian

      Theta does a kickball event at W&L, which was awesome. We came in second to a team fielded out of betas and the fucking soccer team though.

      13 years ago at 9:38 am
    4. Fratent Pending

      SigEp an the rood boys haha. That’s ATO at my school. I will never forget my first dodgeball rape against them.

      13 years ago at 9:52 am
    5. Southern_Lyre

      Great article! Made me laugh. If this is in fact from UF, it’s spot on. 🙂

      13 years ago at 2:58 pm
    6. fratty Mc frat frat

      Correction, rodeo weekend at Auburn is about as black out as you can be before noon. I’m sure thats good though as well.

      13 years ago at 2:42 pm
    7. fiveoclockfrat

      It is from UF, FSU kids wouldn’t be able to spell philanthropy. Common sense people

      13 years ago at 6:31 pm
    1. Jim Bro Laws

      I was just planning for our events next semester, saw this column, and remembered why philanthropy is so great.

      13 years ago at 9:48 am
  1. Fratnannigans

    I love that we do philanthropy events to keep any mouthy administrators off our backs for raging, getting fucked up, building character in pledges, getting anchors go down etc. etc. etc., but any philanthropy turns into a drunk fest.

    13 years ago at 7:38 am
    1. Bronan the Barbarian

      Anchorsplash: 15 fraternities, 14 sororities, 1 pool, no memory of the ensuing events.

      13 years ago at 9:39 am
    2. Itsadeepburn

      one year Delt’s anchor man was so drunk he shat himself and passed out… had to be one of the biggest displays of TFTC i’ve ever seen

      13 years ago at 2:40 pm
    1. Fratpublican_Reagan

      Negative. It’s for the kids. NF. It’s for the children. TSouthernMove.

      13 years ago at 12:32 pm