Stuff Frat People Like: “The Old Guy”

Nearly every fraternity has one. There is always that one brother who takes the call of collegiate excellence far beyond the typical four year route. Mind you, this is no mere “victory lap” 5th year student; the old guy surpasses this fairly common extension by at least threefold.

The old guy is an absolutely necessary factor to any house’s existence. His finesse for the ability to combine extra majors and minors to delay graduation is comparable to a concert pianist. His nickname is typically derived from some form of military technology (“The Tank,” “Howitzer,” and “The Hydrogen Bomb” are my personal favorites) most likely because of his drunken destructive behavior.

The old guy is always willing to pitch in his opinions about how your house “isn’t the same as it used to be.” While his opinions are valued as a brother, it can tend to become an annoyance when his stories continually start with “In my day…” like a nostalgic grandpa. Yes, we get that your hazing “makes today’s look like kindergarten.” I’m sure the summer of 2005 was just as good as you say it is, but that was before I could even drive.

The old guy can take many forms, and he is not restricted to the persona of a triple-redshirt 8th year slacker. While I’m not condoning bidding a Joseph “Blue” Pulaski of your own, at least it would make for a good story (despite the onslaught of creeped out girls that would follow). I’ve even heard of 30+ year old Marines in fraternities, and I doubt anyone could mentally incapacitate a pledge quite like a Marine.

Whatever form your “old guy” may take, he is a pivotal part to your fraternal experience. For one, you can always count on him to look lazier than you in comparison. You never know when that self esteem boost can come in handy. Also, more seriously, he is a good link between the traditions of your fraternity, and can judge things from a very wide perspective. Most problems your fraternity may come across, be it hazing allegations, massive inter-fraternal brawls, or even a kitchen grease fire, he’s probably seen it before. And don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll take every chance he gets to remind you.

    1. Six Founding Fathers

      ^ This Guy…..

      Is a fucking moron. Im sorry but in no way this is a weak article.


      13 years ago at 9:03 pm
    2. SouthernByGodsGrace

      I’ll agree. If this writer is calling a guy old that served in the military for 4-5 years after highschool then he can chug bleach. Age doesn’t mean shit when the guy is starting his freshman year in college at 22 becuase he was in Iraq and Afghanistan before that.

      13 years ago at 1:19 pm
    3. Broby Petrino

      ^The article is funny, but our old guy was a Marine in Iraq and a badass. Thank God for these guy, not only for their service, but also for their rad take on hazing. Every fraternity, regardless of size, needs a brother like this to remind them of the sacrifices these guys have given to allow us to live the lives of functioning derelicts.

      13 years ago at 1:50 pm
    4. DeltaChiOrDie

      Ya’ll are clearly overanalyzing the phrase. “Old guy” is not the same as “useless fuck who steals beer from us.” It’s not disrespectful at all.

      13 years ago at 5:51 pm
  1. older row

    this is the first article in this series that actually had any value. The rest were all just useful reminders for all the fratstars out there who had no idea they liked drinking and partying.

    13 years ago at 5:05 pm
    1. the nelson

      Always fun till a pledge is unconscious. Time to pull the reigns back or let him fly. Depends on how your standing with nationals is.

      13 years ago at 10:39 pm
    2. IvyFrat

      Fuck nationals. The old guy when I was pledging, however, was a useless piece of shit. I’m sure they add value to some chapters…

      For the record, that ivy-grad went on to start a landscaping business. Waste of life.

      13 years ago at 11:17 pm
  2. Southern and Proud

    One of my pledge brothers was on his second round because he had to interrupt his first pledgeship to go on back to back tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. When he came back it was hell on earth for the pledges, I just sat back and watched.

    13 years ago at 8:52 pm
  3. Fratman and Robin

    I had been in the Army Reserve for 3 years when I pledged my fraternity. When it was all over the rest of the fellas sat me down and asked me which was harder, pledging or basic training? I didn’t know how to answer, it’s a difficult comparison but honestly, I thought I was mind unfuckable after basic and ait and the worst part of pledging was finding out afterwards that I had, in fact, been mind fucked again.

    13 years ago at 9:12 pm