Take A Stand Against Frat Culture Appropriation
Gentlemen, I call upon all of you to assist me in shedding light on a matter of utmost importance. Fraternity men across the nation are being victimized by an offensive and disrespectful appropriation of their culture: geeds wearing fratty clothes.
Everywhere we turn — classrooms, dining halls, dormitories, bars and shopping malls — we see our cherished and sacred culture raped before our very eyes. It might be a guy with a fohawk wearing a Polo shirt tucked into cargo shorts, or a guy with Sperrys slipped over socks that go all the way up to his knees. It might be a hipster drinking a PBR, or a girl dressed as a “frat bro” on Halloween (my culture is NOT your costume).
None of them are in frats, and all of them are committing a flagrant and hurtful microaggression.
But we fraternity men are merely expected to take it. We sit idly by on the comfort of our porches and suffer in silence (unless a hottie jogs by). I, for one, am fed up. I say, “NO MORE!”
College students the world over are standing up for their right not to be offended by cultural appropriation. The University of Ottawa banned yoga for insensitively appropriating Indian culture. Oberlin College students are currently protesting their university cafeteria’s shameful appropriation of Asian culture (they served General Tso’s chicken with the incorrect sauce, banh mi sandwiches with the incorrect bread, and sushi with undercooked rice).
Now it’s our turn.
We must put down our beers and draw words that rhyme on picket signs. Then, we must pick those beers back up, put them in foam koozies, and take to the streets with said picket signs.
We, as members of the #FratLivesMatter movement, have compiled the following list of DEMANDS that must go into effect nationwide by February 1, 2016 (I put “demands” in all-caps so you know I mean business). Until these DEMANDS are met, I will eat only General Tso’s chicken prepared with the culturally-incorrect sauce.
1. We DEMAND every person not in Greek life immediately relinquishes all apparel and accessories of the following brands: Ralph Lauren, Rowdy Gentleman, Southern Tide, Lacoste, Vineyard Vines, and Brooks Brothers.
2. We DEMAND Al Sharpton watches the entire ten minute video I sent him of my asshole opening and closing, then responds with a five page (minimum) essay on what he learned.
3. We DEMAND the all-day McDonald’s breakfast menu be altered to include the McGriddle.
4. We DEMAND mandatory classes for all college students aimed at preventing microaggressions toward the frat community (i.e. never wear socks with boat shoes, it’s never okay to call it a “frat” instead of a “fraternity” unless you’re in a frat).
5. Show us your tits.
6. We DEMAND hipsters issue a public apology admitting that they stole the idea of drinking PBR on the reg from us, that their glasses are nonprescription, and that they’ve never had an original thought in their lives.
7. We DEMAND every other geed who’s ever stolen from our culture issues a public statement admitting their geedness.
8. We DEMAND Maria texts me back because I thought we really hit it off the other week and I at least deserve a text saying she’s not interested.
9. We DEMAND a pound of bacon.
10. We DEMAND Japanese schoolgirls stop wearing bright-colored clothing with cute little animals on it (that’s our thing).
Become a part of the movement. Sign the petition now on Change.org.
Join me in promoting this noble cause, brethren. Lead a protest on your campus against frat culture appropriation (just be prepared for a counterprotest led by white people with dreadlocks). Get everyone you know to sign the petition. Stand up. Speak out. Do something. Anything. But don’t do nothing. Because by doing nothing, you are in fact a part of the problem. Your silence is violence..
Drinking PBR. NF
9 years ago at 8:07 amCheap beer. FAF.
9 years ago at 9:43 amThey can keep the rowdy gentlemen clothes
9 years ago at 8:17 amAnd the PBR
9 years ago at 7:38 pmYou had to say that didn’t you?
9 years ago at 1:04 pm#Fratlivesmatter
9 years ago at 8:18 amIs Steven Holt a geed?
9 years ago at 8:21 amNo, he just likes to wear his sisters clothes so everyone thinks he is.
9 years ago at 8:54 amWrong answer, please try again.
9 years ago at 10:17 pmI understand this isn’t supposed to be taken literally.. But God damnit this does actually kinda piss me off. You wanna wear a sea foam green frocket tee with some miscellaneous aquatic creature on it? I DEMAND you have to listen to the Pokemon song on a 3 hour loop while blindfolded in an old moldy basement first. Peasants.
9 years ago at 8:24 amI did too much.
9 years ago at 8:41 amSeriously McDonalds, get your shit together.
9 years ago at 8:27 amI fucking love McGriddles
9 years ago at 8:32 amThrow a hash brown on one of those sumbitches. It’s sex for breakfast.
9 years ago at 8:39 amDear God. The TFM community owes you a debt of gratitude, Karl.
9 years ago at 9:14 amMcSexfast sandwich
9 years ago at 3:10 pmWe demand that totalfratmove.com requires a .edu email address and some kind of proof that you are in a fraternity to be able to comment and submit content.
9 years ago at 8:27 amIt’ll never happen; how else is Dorn going to maintain a fanbase?
9 years ago at 8:31 amMake TFM Great Again
9 years ago at 9:38 amWE NEED TO BUILD A FIREWALL
9 years ago at 7:01 pm$1 says you go to Georgia Southern
9 years ago at 2:24 pm$1 says you can click their profile and see what state they live in.
9 years ago at 6:39 pmHail Fuckin Southern!
9 years ago at 6:43 pmI guess I’ve always considered dressing “frat” as looking nice by my standards, and not caring what geeds think or wear. Boat shoes and Polos just being one of the avenues by which I achieve this goal.
9 years ago at 8:30 amThat’s real nice, buddy.
9 years ago at 9:22 amNice car, Flounder! I am appointing you social chairperson of this fraternity.
9 years ago at 10:17 amSHOW US YOUR TITS
9 years ago at 8:33 amnumber five is my favorite.
9 years ago at 11:02 amNo shit?
9 years ago at 12:35 pmYou lost me at “we must put down our beers”. You know i don’t speak spanish.
9 years ago at 8:52 am