The Frat Romance Novel

Twas a crisp autumn evening when Caroline first laid her eyes upon Darren. Caroline had gone to the recreational sports fields with her sisters to watch the fraternity men compete against one another in flag football. Her attendance, however, was more about socializing than watching the game. Athletics bored Caroline, but the sight of Darren piqued her interest. Throughout the contest she was unable to take her eyes off him as he dashed past defenders and screamed at pledges for missing blocks. She watched Darren race into the end zone for a score. His physique silhouetted against the setting sun. Seeing Darren gallop for six points made her nipples as stiff as the arm Darren had just rammed into an opposing player’s face. After crossing the goal line Darren turned to mock his demoralized opponents.

“PICK SIX FAGGOTS! WOO!” he shouted boastfully.

Caroline’s heart was aflutter. She could barely control the rush of sexuality that overcame her as she slowly moved her hand up her thigh toward her loins. Suddenly she snapped out of it and stopped herself, remembering the embarrassing lesson she learned after drinking a fifth of vodka and watching a daylong lacrosse tournament on the very same field. As the game ended, her eyes followed Darren to the far sideline where his brethren gave him a hero’s greeting.

“Nice game,” said Darren’s fraternity brother Kyle.

“Yeah thanks,” said Darren as he turned to a nearby pledge.

“Hey dickshitter. Thanks for letting me get sacked four times. Be where I can fucking find you.”

“Yes brother Newell,” the pledge replied with trepidation.

As Darren returned his attention to Kyle he noticed Caroline from across the field. For a moment their eyes met before Caroline giggled and turned away bashfully.

“Who the fuck is that?” Darren asked Kyle.

“Who? Oh that girl? I was gonna ask you. She was staring at you all game. I could’ve sworn she touched her nipples when you scored that last touchdown.”

“I don’t know her, but she’s pretty hot…like a nine. She’s with those Kappas we met the other day. Let’s go talk to ‘em so I can see who this chick is.”

When Caroline had finally suppressed her giggles and the urge to masturbate she turned back from the crowd to sneak another peak at her newfound crush. What she was greeted with instead was the sight of Darren and his friend walking directly toward her. Caroline became flush and once again retreated into her group of sisters. Before she could compose herself the girls were welcoming Darren and Kyle with cheerful greetings. Caroline hid in the rear, hoping not to be noticed. She felt in no condition to properly present herself to a man of such stature, but Darren slowly made his way to the back of the crowd towards Caroline, and as their eyes met again Darren opened his mouth to speak. The possibility of conversation had Caroline’s lips (all of them) moist with anticipation.

“What’s up? I’m Darren.”

“I am Caroline, from the house of Kappa,” she nervously shot back.


Caroline was overcome with anxiety. She hadn’t the slightest idea what to say next. Darren’s smooth baritone voice was a welcome distraction from the swirling panic inside her head.

“What are you doing tonight? We’re having a party…”

“You are very handsome and athletic. I would be honored to attend.” The words raced out of Caroline’s mouth before Darren could finish extending his invitation. 

Suddenly their conversation was interrupted by a booming voice.


All the excitement and moisture left Caroline as quickly as it had come. Her nipples softened as fear filled her body. Darren turned, searching for the source of the yell. Caroline already knew who it was. Cody, the man she was beholden to. Darren turned back to Caroline.

“Who is that?”

“It’s Cody,” she whispered as tears filled her eyes. “You and I should never have spoken.”

“Is he your boyfriend?”

“Yes, I am beholden to him.”


Cody, a short man with fire in his eyes and large, extra pockets on his shorts, stormed across the field towards the pair.

“He looks like a pussy,” Darren said, amused.

Caroline was anything but.

“Please don’t confront him. He has an awful temper, and he could be carrying anything in those cargo pockets.”

“Whatever,” said Darren with disgust.

Cody reached Darren and Caroline, immediately forcing himself between them. He looked up angrily at Darren while Caroline shuddered behind him, awaiting what she thought was an inevitable clash. Darren stared back silently, giving even less than one fuck about the adversary in front of him.

“What is your name?” Cody asked Darren forcefully.

“Darren,” he replied apathetically.

“I am Cody, Resident Advisor of the Dormitory McVale, Floor Seven, and this is my woman.”

“So he IS your boyfriend?” Darren asked Caroline, ignoring the GDI in front of him.

Cody turned to Caroline to await her answer. She looked at Darren, desperately wanting to say no, but when she saw the look in Cody’s eyes she knew that honesty was her only option.

“Yes, I am beholden to him.”

“What the fuck does that even mean?” Darren replied angrily. “Is that a yes?”

“She is mine,” reiterated Cody.

“Okay, whatever. This conversation has been nothing but creepy. If you feel like ditching your geed boyfriend come by my fraternity tonight.”

As Darren walked away, Cody turned and began to chastise Caroline, but his anger fell upon deaf ears, for her mind had floated off to another world. A dream world in which Darren plowed her repeatedly in a meadow that was roamed exclusively by ponies and rabbits.

Later that evening, exhausted from the day’s drama, Caroline napped to refresh herself. Images of Darren gesturing for the other team to suck it, X-Pac style, while the sun set behind him replayed in her dreams, but these beautiful moments vanished when she was awoken by the ring of her cellphone. The caller ID showed the name “Cody.” Caroline, despite her desires, answered the call.


“I have forgiven you for your earlier indiscretions. Now come to my dorm so that we may watch movies. I’ve rented the original Stargate starring Kurt Russell and James Spader.”

Caroline was tempted, for she truly did adore the works of James Spader, but she strengthened her resolve and summoned the cleverest of lies.

“I cannot…I must look to my studies tonight,” she said firmly. Hoping with all her might that Cody would believe her.

“Ah, a good and honest excuse. See to your studies then. Good night.”

Cody hung up the phone and Caroline let out a sigh of relief. She darted straight to her closet and dressed with haste. She had only one destination in mind…Darren’s fraternity.

As Caroline approached the fraternity house she noticed an overturned trashcan in the bushes out front. Lying halfway inside the trashcan was the pledge from the football game. He was vomiting profusely, and most likely dangerously dehydrated. Caroline considered helping him but thought better of it, for her outfit was incredibly cute, and she did not want to get vomit on it. After all, it wasn’t Caroline’s fault the pledge couldn’t pick up a blitz. She entered the house to a flurry of obscene greetings and drink offers. She found the brother who looked the least blackout drunk and inquired as to Darren’s whereabouts. Her question answered itself when Darren, with a nearly finished fifth of whiskey in hand, burst through the door in front of her. He noticed her immediately.

“Hey! It’s the weird girl from earlier! Where’s your GDI boyfriend?” he slurred.

Caroline was shocked by Darren’s level of intoxication, and impressed by his nearly godlike tolerance to alcohol.

“Can nothing conquer that body?” she whispered to herself. “And what of his heart?”

“What?” Darren asked, confused.

“Nothing. May we speak, Darren? In private?”

“You know what you should do? Just start drinking. Maybe, uh, you’ll be better to be around if you get drunk. I don’t know. I feel like it’s probably 50/50 but let’s give it a fucking shot. Follow me.”

Darren took Caroline’s hand and led her upstairs to his room. There the two matched each other shot-for-shot. After an hour or so Caroline was happily drunk and singing merrily along with Darren to the song “Free Bird,” a tune her GDI boyfriend Cody had forbidden whenever the couple played Rock Band (which was quite often). The “Free Bird” sing-along, as it so often does, brought Caroline and Darren into each other’s arms. Caroline kissed Darren passionately and the couple fell onto his bed. Caroline ripped her shirt off, exposing her large, tan breasts to the stale, over-Febreezed air. Darren cupped her breasts and kissed her again, but then suddenly sprang up from the bed.

“What’s wrong my darling?” asked Caroline.

“What? Nothing I was just gonna do a quick bump if that’s cool. You want some?”

“All I desire is you.”

With that, Darren walked to his dresser to find his cocaine, but a knock on his door interrupted the search.

“Who is it?” Darren asked.

“Hey, it’s Kyle, there’s some guy on the front lawn that says he wants to duel you.”

“Who wants to fight me?” Darren asked.

“No, no…he said he wants to DUEL you. He was very clear about that.”

“CODY!” Caroline gasped. “But how did he find me!?!”

Realizing that Caroline’s boyfriend Cody had come to seek revenge Darren rolled his eyes and headed for the door.

“Yeah, I’m coming,” said Darren, annoyed.

As he made his way down the stairs a distressed Caroline followed him, pleading with Darren to reconsider.

“Please Darren, Cody’s very strong. He always beats me at bowling and just last summer he took a karate class at the YMCA. You must be careful!”

“Thanks for the heads up,” Darren replied unconcerned, much to Caroline’s dismay.

Darren walked out onto the front lawn. His fraternity brothers looked on in eager anticipation while the pledge still lay half-dead inside the trashcan. Cody narrowed his eyes at the sight of Darren and shouted.

“You have my woman and I’ve come for satisfaction! I demand…”

Darren didn’t allow Cody to finish, but walked right up to him and knocked him the fuck out with one solid haymaker to the jaw.

“Fuck off faggot,” Darren said flatly.

With that, Darren walked back toward the house, greeted by his brethren as a hero for the second time that day. Caroline was so aroused she practically had to swim over to him. When she finally fought through the crowd, Darren grabbed her and kissed her, and the two proceeded to drink heavily in celebration of the victory. Eventually, they found their way back to Darren’s room. The rest of the night was a sloppy, drunken, sexual blur of wrong names and wrong holes. In the early afternoon Darren awoke with a piercing headache. After a few minutes of trying to adjust his eyes to the blinding light he noticed that his bed was empty and his room had been cleaned. In Caroline’s place was a sandwich and a napkin, the latter of which had been kissed with lipstick. Darren looked at the presentation of his meal and said to himself…

“What the fuck?”

And he never thought of her again. Ever.

  1. HankRearden

    Read the first sentence, scrolled down to see how long this was, decided it’s not worth it.

    11 years ago at 1:48 pm
    1. FratAlwaysDrinkOften

      I wasn’t going to read it until I saw your comments. It was pretty damn funny.

      11 years ago at 9:24 pm
    2. AlphaFratGuy

      Funny as shit worth the five minutes or less it took to read it, good story can definitely relate. I liked it frat on good sir

      11 years ago at 9:16 am
  2. Bronan the Barbarian

    Ok, I had my doubts going into this one, but it was a solid effort. Good work, Bacon.

    11 years ago at 1:58 pm
  3. Khal Brogo

    Meh. It was weak, I was never interested, although the part with the GDI was played with gusto and verve and the girl had a delightful cameo role. It was a puckish satire of contemporary morays, a droll spoof aimed more at the heart than the head.

    11 years ago at 2:03 pm
    1. FratSavage

      It’s mores, not morays. If you’re going to play the condescending critic, at least portray it accurately

      11 years ago at 6:28 pm
  4. cannonball

    I strongly disagree with your take on the YMCA and the wonderful summer programs they offer the youth of this great nation. The Karate and water-aerobics classes I took last summer were quite refreshing.

    11 years ago at 2:05 pm
  5. Brofessor15

    I feel like this would be funny, but my attention span is roughly the length of my inseam.

    11 years ago at 2:07 pm
  6. BROnard Ramsey

    I barely read most columns that are longer than 3 paragraphs. What makes you think I’m going to read something this long?

    11 years ago at 2:09 pm