The Great Adderall Drought of 2011

jakewgoldman13 years ago

Now that fucking finals are here, everyone has decided to go soft and hit the libraries instead of the bars. Truthfully, this isn’t a bad idea and I probably should do the same, but a crowded library is something I don’t want to imagine, and definitely don’t want to experience. Naturally, I planned on studying the same way I have every year: waiting until the absolute last minute, popping some Adderall, and learning a semester’s worth of material in 24-hours. However, if you aren’t already aware, Adderall, AKA motivation to all of you who use it, has been on short supply. In fact, experts have referred to the shortage as the Adderall drought of 2011, and it has been increasingly hard to come by.

I was lucky enough to find this out the other day while trying to pick up some vitamin A from the kid in our house who always has the shit. Everyone knows who he is. He’s that kid that for some reason was prescribed Concerta, Vyvanse, Ritalin, Adderall and Focalin all at the same time and the doctors never made him pick which one made him feel right. His demeanor half-way resembles a zombie or a meth tweeker depending on whether or not he has tests, and he always has extra pills. You know…that guy. Anyways, after I stopped by his room for a brief, awkward interaction that involved me watching him scratch his neck and try to feign disappointment for making a shit ton of money after the break before finals, I was pretty much screwed on finding anything. I decided to call around to anyone and everyone who I thought might have a little study pick-me-up, but to no avail. I was SOL and going to have to actually study the old-fashioned way.

Unfortunately enough for my procrastinating ass, the last amphetamine ship has sailed this holiday season and I’m stuck here writing off of the cheap rush from combining 5-hour Energies and long-cut. Apparently I was unaware there is another holiday for college students that comes right after “Black Friday” and “Cyber Monday” called “Time to fucking visit your Adderall dealer because he’s going to be out of that shit real soon Tuesday.”

But seriously, this drought is starting to make people concerned. It’s not only the college student scholastic aptitude bubble that’s about to bust, this stimulant recession is out to kick some major ass and burst some serious fucking GPA bubbles elsewhere. I don’t know if you are aware, but a LOT of shit gets done because of amphetamines. Gasoline may power the trucks that ship our goods cross-country, but Adderall is doing the heavy lifting when it comes to keeping the interesting folks who operate big rigs awake during the 48-hour straight haul-a-thons they perform on a weekly basis. But it’s not only truckers, folks, we’re talking about electricians, engineers, doctors, lawyers, teachers, students…I mean the list could go on forever, because this drug that was pitched as a non-addictive cure for ADHD has been substituting for coffee for the past 15 years, and people are finally becoming aware of it. A shortage of gasoline isn’t what this country should be worried about. No…we have a lot more to worry about with the fact that we can’t get our meds.

What’s even more compelling about this drought, and the outcries by those needing their fix, is that there have been reports that Adderall may not even be a cure for ADHD, but a placebo. I don’t know the science of it all, but I can tell you one thing: I call bullshit. Speed makes studying a lot more bearable and significantly shortens the time it takes to gather information. Then again, I don’t have ADHD, but neither do a large percentage of those prescribed the drugs. We know it makes it way easier to do shit that we have no desire to do, so who wouldn’t want to jump on the damn train? The white knights of the world can preach all they want about health risks and how it is unfair to take a drug in order to get ahead in school, but they can save their breath. If telling college kids not to do something unhealthy was all it took, bars wouldn’t spring up all over the outskirts of campuses natonwide. As for it being “unfair” to take performance enhancing pills without a prescription…fuck off. Seriously just fuck off. Just because you are pissed that someone else takes half the time you do to get the same grade doesn’t give you the right to be a bitch. Be happy you’ll live twice as long and never know the pangs of heart arrhythmia.

For now, I wish all of you an extra helping of good luck on your finals during this awful Adderall depression. Since all-nighters are going to be incredibly more painful for those of you who missed the speed boat like I did, I understand why you decided to continue reading this long ass column instead of studying for whatever the hell you don’t want to be studying for. I can’t focus either. FUCK.