The Houston Texans Are Complete Morons If They Don’t Take Johnny Manziel
I’m not an NFL scout.
I’m not here to talk about Johnny Football’s fucking footwork, throwing motion, or pocket-passing proficiency. It’s not that those things aren’t important, but they’ve been discussed and dissected by every major sports analyst from here to Bangladesh. I’m here to talk about other factors, which, for a guy that just spent seven years watching Matt Schaub lumber around inside the pocket like a giant, elderly sloth with a severe case of osteoporosis, are much more important.
The NFL is meant to be entertaining, and no player in this year’s draft will be more entertaining than Manziel. That’s not even up for discussion. If you think watching Jadeveon Clowney do a little dance after making a tackle in the backfield will be beat watching Johnny Football scramble like an over-caffeinated chicken for a 72-yard touchdown, or get his head literally ripped off his body by a linebacker that didn’t bite on a juke, then you are outside your damn mind.
You might’ve noticed that one of those possible outcomes was a spectacular touchdown run, and the other was Manziel being brutally decapitated. My point is that whether or not his game “translates” to the NFL is almost irrelevant to me, because either way it’s going to be extremely entertaining to watch his saga unfold. (Although I do have faith in his game.)
Do you have any idea how devastatingly boring it is to watch your team lose 14 consecutive games when they were predicted to be Super Bowl contenders? That’s what the Houston Texans did in 2013, and for season ticket holders like myself, it was beyond brutal. We were three field goals away from going 0-16. Speaking of which, it’s probably time to remove last year’s schedule from the team’s official website, and attempt to sweep that whole season under the rug and out of the history books, like China or North Korea does with their bad press. At least I’ll be mildly entertained if we lose 14 in a row with Manziel at the helm.
If you watched him play at Texas A&M, or own a television, or have internet access, or live in the midst of a populated, civilized area of the United States, you’re fully aware of just how captivating and electrifying his play is on the field. Yet he has somehow managed to be even more entertaining off the field. Some people see this as a negative. Those people are uptight, boring turds.
What happened to the days of “Broadway” Joe Namath? Who says it’s required that quarterbacks be straight-laced losers? I want my quarterback dating Maxim babes and banging out Instagram models on a regular basis while partying with Drake and appearing in McDonald’s commercials alongside LeBron James. I want my team to get nonstop coverage on ESPN. I want the world’s biggest celebrities in attendance at their games. That’s what Manziel brings to the table. Sure, he might get himself into a little trouble now and then, but that’s all part of the maturation process for a baller. If you think watching Jadeveon Clowney do a little dance after splitting a sack with J.J. Watt will beat watching Johnny Football do cocaine out of a stripper’s ass on TMZ, then you are outside your damn mind.
People say you vote for the presidential candidate you can see yourself having a beer with. I vote for the number one pick I can see myself getting arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct with after shotgunning Four Lokos outside the car in a Jack in the Box drive thru at 3 o’clock in the morning on a Tuesday.
You want to put asses in your stadium’s seats? You want to recapture the attention of your fanbase? This kid is the answer.
And that, uptight turds, is why the Houston Texans would be complete fucking morons not to take Johnny Manziel with the first pick in the 2014 NFL Draft. Pay the man.
Images via Getty Images
His experience with tight ends, both on and off the field, should be considered on draft day. Do the right thing, Texans.
10 years ago at 1:07 pm“I vote for the number one pick I can see myself getting arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct with after shotgunning Four Lokos outside the car in a Jack in the Box drive thru at 3 o’clock in the morning on a Tuesday.” – couldn’t have said it better myself
10 years ago at 4:48 pmBest part, hands down
10 years ago at 2:14 amManziel is like the Charlie sheen of football… He’s loud, disorderly, and probably plays under the intoxication of horse tranquilizers, but god damn is it good football to watch.
10 years ago at 9:31 pmTry being there since 11 years old and talk about some real first world problems. I don’t care how entertaining he is I just won’t someone who will get my team to a Superbowl, and he isn’t it.
10 years ago at 3:40 amEven if the Texans don’t go with Clowney, Bridgewater is still over Manziel on the Texans list. All signs point to the Vikings taking Johnny with the 8th pick. It might not be Texas, but I wouldn’t mind watching Manziel run around Minnesota like a purple flash. My dad works for the NFL specifically for college football and the draft and he’s been doing these mock drafts for a couple months now.
10 years ago at 8:46 pmThe guy knows how to party. I was going to try to something witty but fuck, it is pretty simple. I would trade up to get him.
10 years ago at 2:18 am[…] For entertainment value alone, Texans must draft Manziel.totalfratmove.com/the-houston-texans-are-complete-morons-if-they-dont-take-johnny-manziel-from-a-guy… […]
10 years ago at 1:04 pmManziel is going to change the NFL so much in so many different ways. Watch out Rodger Goodell, you have been warned….
10 years ago at 10:36 amIn Clowney’s defense, he’s a pretty damn good ball player for someone who smokes as much reefer and is cool with as many fans as him.
10 years ago at 11:26 pmSteelers fan here. Great article. I am without a doubt, 100% hoping he goes to the Browns for all of the aforementioned reasons above. He brings such a dynamic personality not only to a franchise that has needed it for over a decade, but he brings a level of competition and media attention that will make every game he plays in a must-watch primetime game, especially inner-division games. To be able to watch him play in person after being born and raised in the North is something I am dying for. What a fucking talent.
10 years ago at 1:44 pm