The Liquored Up Big 12

You may have read the “Big 12 as Beer” column somewhere on the net, but Dorn is into the hard stuff. I’m going to break down the current Big 12 football programs, or the schools in general, as if they were hard liquors. Let’s get to it.

Texas Tech

Trashcan Punch

“What is that, bro? Is that Pink Panty Droppers? Hey ladies, you have got to try this stuff…” Fucking Texas Tech. First of all, you may think you know the ingredients to trashcan punch, but you can never be too sure. Some creepy guy fucking stirred it with his hairy sweat arm. So yeah, go ahead and scoop this herp-juice with your already used cup. Say “fuck it,” drink it and hope you don’t catch anything. Just like Tech, trashcan punch is dirty and a little rapey. “Wait, are there roofies in there?”  


The Macallan

Akin to the acquired taste for scotch, the University of Texas is not appreciated (or well liked) by many. They don’t care though, and Dorn respects that. They’re still distinguished, sophisticated, recognizable, and the hallmark of scotch. They also boast a rich history and are not afraid to tell you about it. Arrogant as shit, really.

Texas A&M

Jim Beam

It’s still whiskey, but it’s a little more backwoods and more prevalent in the bottom-tier of society. “Fuck you, Macallan! We taste just as good as you do!”  Shut up. No, you don’t. Be happy with what you’ve got, and stop trying to be something you’re not.



Kansas just doesn’t belong. Every other Big 12 school has one thing in common: their best sport is FOOTBALL. Kansas is a basketball school, plain and simple. They can embrace that, though, because they do have an elite basketball program. The truth remains though…if you bring Ciroc to a Big 12 party, you’re getting strange looks. This isn’t a shoot for a P. Diddy music video.  

Kansas State


Kansas State is Jagermeister. They’re kind of hard to figure out. You pretty much never think about them, and then one day your asshole friend shows up at the house with a bottle of this hangover inducing devil liquid that tastes like cough syrup, and he’s ready to rage. “Fucking Jager bombs, man! Take a pull you snatch!” Like K State, it’s only good in small doses about once a decade. The next morning you are quickly reminded why you hate that shit so much. See you in 2018, fucker.


Club Soda

“Club soda and…?” No, that’s it. Just club soda. “Heeey, we’re here to party. Just gonna keep it sober.” Yeah…sober, harmless and boring. Baylor is a Baptist University that outlawed dancing until 1996. Yes, you read that correctly. Dancing was not permitted on campus until midway through the Clinton administration.  

Iowa State

Bottom Shelf Vodka

Iowa State is just happy to be at the party. No one knows who brought them or how they got there, but dammit they are in the building. They’re cheap, taste like shit, and get passed around like a $20 whore. Overall though, they’re pretty harmless.



Like tequila, Oklahoma football is a force to be reckoned with. They don’t just beat you down. They humiliate you, make you look stupid, run up the score, and you wake up feeling violated the next day. Similarly, tequila victims often wake up hungover, missing clothes and wondering what the hell just happened. Any time body shots are the preferred method of consumption, you know unflattering, ridiculous things are about to happen. Avoid if possible.

Oklahoma State

Captain Morgan

Purely from a football standpoint, Oklahoma State doesn’t have much to sell. Yeah, they’re good right now and have had some decent seasons in the recent past, but dig a little deeper into their history and it gets ugly. T. Boone Pickens literally paid for their current success.

Captain Morgan is a terrible alcohol. However, they have a genius marketing campaign, make a shit load of money, and for some reason quite a few people dig it. I don’t get it, but they have a good thing going, just like OSU.



Hmmmm, what to drink? I wonder what an SEC man would order right now. Ooooh, I heard they make good cosmos here. I’ll try that. No wait, that’s gay. What about a martini? James Bond drinks martinis.

“Sir, I’ll take a martini please.”  

“Sure what kind?”

Fuck. There are different kinds? What does Bond say?

“Shaken, not stirred.”

“Look, broseph, we’re busy. What kind of martini do you want?”


Missouri just wants to fit in. Member of the Big 12, flirting with the Big 10, and now joining the SEC. Make up your damn mind already.

Up next: SEC

  1. fratanomics

    I know Baylor is boring as shit usually, but you can pour some other stuff in club soda. I assume the extra bit would be RG III

    13 years ago at 5:31 pm
    1. Fratweiser

      Ya I’m from Baylor and big deal I only dance when I’m drunk anyways so whoever wrote this I can only assume dancing is a hobby of yours…FUCK YOU

      13 years ago at 8:59 pm
    2. Self Broclaimed

      If that’s what you took away from Dorn’s statement then I feel very, very sorry for you.

      13 years ago at 9:31 pm
    3. Buffalo Fratter

      hes not saying the school is boring because people cant dance, hes saying its boring because the board actually saw something as harmless as dancing, worthy of being banned…

      13 years ago at 6:56 pm
    1. DixieFratStar08

      I’d suggest not doing the column ’til next tuesday, you’d have to mention our 13 national championships and come next week that’ll be outdated.

      13 years ago at 5:56 pm
    2. toss me a bronson

      probably O’Doole’s because they both have the same target demographic: degenerate redneck alcoholics who need to get placeboed into thinking they feel good about themselves when in reality society sees them as the scum of the earth.

      13 years ago at 8:24 pm
    3. KappaSigCU

      ya the SEC really sucks and is also the scum of the earth theyre pretentiousness that the SEC embodies southern culture is all a load of shit. oh and also, they all really, really suck at football, basketball…baseball

      13 years ago at 9:58 pm
    4. RagnarDanneskjold

      Alabama: Yellow Hammers (duh). I can’t think of a witty correlation but it would have to do with how people under rate the ability to fuck shit up until they actually pound a few and then can’t walk straight.

      13 years ago at 11:44 pm
    1. Fraternity Lifestyle

      He should have completed it with “and once in a blue moon, they will come out of nowhere and knock you down” a la OKSt.

      13 years ago at 5:56 pm
    2. Broseph Heller

      ^ Hey, let’s be nice. Even Iowa State isn’t bad enough to be Hawkeye Vodka.

      13 years ago at 10:08 pm
    3. BroCoKS

      As a Kansas student, I loved Mizzou and K-State’s… dead on as well. Someone did their homework.

      13 years ago at 4:37 pm
  2. upperdeck_daddy

    Those guys in the 2nd to last picture are the definition of trying too hard… Get a life guys.

    13 years ago at 5:44 pm
  3. sigmapiduck

    excited to see the PAC 12, though I’m sure my team will receive the same CAPT. Morgan treatment.

    13 years ago at 6:06 pm
    1. The Frattuccino

      As obvious as Dorn makes it, there really isn’t any debate. UT runs the Big 12.

      13 years ago at 6:42 pm
    2. Fraterick Southgate

      Texas runs the Big 12….Hmm….Why don’t you tell that to Oklahoma who

      1) Has more national championships.
      2) Has more heisman winners.
      3) Thoroughly beat your ass this year, just like the better part of this decade.

      13 years ago at 3:19 am
    3. SterlingArcher

      ^Fuckin this. You can have your $123 million football program that constantly underachieves, we’ll take our $87 million Number #1 program of all time.

      13 years ago at 4:55 am
    4. fraterson221

      ^pretty sure Alabama has the #1 program of all time y’all don’t come close to 13 National Titles

      13 years ago at 5:17 pm
    5. Bros A Bank

      ^wrong. Michigan has more all-time than Alabama without having to claim bogus national championships thirty years after the fact.

      13 years ago at 9:16 am
    6. FuckedInHalf

      Aaaand counting on some swamp logging half-retarded bayou boys to get you a title. Ballsy, but TcousinfuckerMove

      13 years ago at 12:05 pm
    1. rock chalk brohawk

      nah bro i am too busy having ur mom suck mine while we watch the j shore marathon in the farcastle. #keepinitreal

      13 years ago at 2:27 pm