The NBA Hipster Movement; Cut This Shit Out

A couple years ago Chris Webber was a guest on the Dan Patrick show. The conversation was about the dominant, fear-instilling players of the ‘90s. Webber was with the Washington Bullets at the time. Michael Jordan’s name was naturally mentioned and they began discussing the personality behind the best basketball player to ever live. He recalled a blatant dominance-asserting locker room scene before a playoff game against the Bulls in 1997. The story went like this:

“One time we played in Washington. We played a five game series against the Bulls. It was the year they won 72 games. We lose all three games by a total of 18 points. I saw Michael Jordan come into our locker room with a cigar, while it was lit, and said, ‘Who’s going to check me tonight?’ And we looked at Calbert Cheaney and we were laughing like little school kids knowing that Calbert Cheaney was going to get him, we knew it wasn’t a game for Mike.”

MJ took a lit cigar into the opposing team’s locker room in their arena before the third game of a best-of-seven game series. He strutted straight into the lions’ den in what I’d describe as an aggressive display of superiority. They were better than the Bullets. They knew it and in case the Bullets didn’t know it yet, MJ was there to inform them. Now imagine that Jordan was wearing a fully-buttoned-up polka dot shirt, rolled-up yellow pants, low top Chuck Taylors, and lensless, thick glass frames. The laughter would have been directed at him instead of Cheaney, and then they would have towel whipped his ass right out the locker room door. But the legend stands. This account is one of many anecdotes that supports the unrelenting badass persona behind Michael Jordan. He would often show up for games driving understated American muscle while decked out in “I’m about to fuck shit up” tracksuits. And his demeanor and attitude matched his style. He had swagger.

The NBA stars of today confuse the shit out of me. I know I’m not the only one to notice it. The pre and post-game styles of our NBA superstars have quickly morphed into hipster. Goddamn hipsters, man. The locker rooms must look like fucked up collections of baristas, nerds, and low-rent scumbags. Coincidentally, the two teams meeting in the Finals are the worst offenders. In this trending crime against the American sports icon, these guys are racking up felonies.

Take Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant here. Westbrook looks like he’s dressing as Steve Urkel for Halloween and Durant looks like a gay librarian.

This lensless frames epidemic has gone far enough. Whoever started this trend needs a swift kick to the giblets. And how do actual visually-impaired people feel about this? Do these hipsters not consider their feelings at all? They must see these guys as walking, mocking, prima donna assholes. They’re basically turning a disability into a fad. What’s next? Are these guys going to start cruising around arenas in tricked-out motorized Rascals? Bedazzled hearing aids? The line must be drawn, although some could argue it’s already been crossed.

Now take a look at Dwyane Wade and Lebron James right here. They look like they’re pledging to become members of a gayer, dorkier version of the T-Birds from the movie “Grease.”

You think Bob Cousy hit the locker room after games and traded in his 1-inch inseam nuthuggers for some capri pants, a deep V tee shirt, and a faux Catholic rosary? You assholes think Dr. J would get out of the shower and pick out his afro at his locker while rocking some skinny jeans, a flannel button-up, and a fedora? Shit no. They were men.

Look gentlemen, you guys will be representing our country at the 2012 Olympic games this summer. The Olympics are not only about athletic superiority, although there is little doubt who owns this department. It’s also about national pride and representation. You guys still have your power suits stowed away in your home closets from last year. Take them in and get them pressed, stat. When you pack for London, be mindful that you are no longer just the face of your organization. You’re representing America. Leave the hipster starter kits at home. They clash with red, white, and blue.

Follow me on Twitter @RogerDornTFM

    1. Snowballer

      this is either impressive that you can do this every time, or you are a fucking geed with no life. I’m taking the ladder

      12 years ago at 12:42 pm
    1. BossMan DubC

      Let them think that it is “stylish.” It will only make it easy to spot not only them, but the mindless hordes of inbred morons that follow them. These followers will no doubt be some of the 99% of all humanity who is willing to take orders for their entire lives without question. Which brings us back to the 1% male, Greek, men. I know I used male and men in the same sentence, but for the purpose of differentiating those who are fearless to seek out bettering themselves and placing themselves ahead of everyone else, the little boys of the rest of society. So yes, lets mark them with the symbol of their cultural values and ….(Oh God, I am going to stop now because I am starting to sound like Hitler.).. but yes. Go on, it will make it easier to spot you, you weak piece of shit.

      12 years ago at 12:52 pm
    2. Kanye Brost

      Yo BossMan DubC, I’m really happy for you, I’ma let you finish, but SouthernTau44 basically summed up what you said.

      12 years ago at 2:04 pm
    3. MightBePike

      I wouldn’t take it as far as ^ but seriously, how is this surprising? Are we surprised the NBA isn’t FaF? Micheal Jordan is surely cool and bad ass but I never considered him stylish and certainly not particularly frat. So the NBA is much less cool than Jordan, they’re shittier players and they’re shittier dressers than him. I can’t believe it!

      12 years ago at 2:16 pm
    4. TheFrasters

      JParks, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that you’re not from Detroit. My guess would be Grosse Pointe or some other suburb not populated by tree monkeys

      12 years ago at 3:56 pm
    1. uptown_mf_brown3

      nah he wouldn’t be as good as rondo or cp3… his handles wouldn’t be good enough

      12 years ago at 3:25 pm
    1. uptown_mf_brown3

      ^not cool, you guys just wish you had some sort of skill like black guys, anything they do, they do it better than white guys most of the time. you guys obviously don’t realize the trend with having token bros, better looking broads wanna come to the house, get with the program

      12 years ago at 3:29 pm
    2. ItallcomesFraturally

      ^Where I am from we would call those ladies tainted. Having a token anything just makes your chapter look like a bunch of pussy degenerate fucks that don’t have the balls to say fuck off.

      12 years ago at 3:54 pm
    3. Denzel FRATington

      Overtly expressing jealousy of black males’ sexual, athletic, and girl-getting prowess. FaF

      12 years ago at 8:39 pm
  1. Oldgopherballs

    I do not give two shits for the NBA, but I agree, the hipster movement needs to end now.

    12 years ago at 12:33 pm
  2. mrwhiskers

    The problem with hipsters is that they are indeed modern-day hippies. As such, they feed off the criticism and that’s what motivates them to do it more.
    But very true, they need to frat up for their gold medal ceremony this summer.
    We are TFTC, but hipsters are the opposite; they just dont care.

    12 years ago at 12:35 pm
    1. TrickleDown

      Hipsters are hippies without a cause. They claim to have causes but it is really whatever is trendy. Hippies suck too, though.

      Also hipsters completely care. They give way too many fucks; that’s the whole point.

      12 years ago at 1:29 pm
    2. Keystone Killer

      What is truly funny about this damn hipster movement is that all of them are trying to be “individuals”. However, they are following a national bandwagon trend. They all try way to hard to stand out, but all they accomplish is looking like an unsuccessful jackass.

      12 years ago at 3:20 pm
  3. Fraterick Southgate

    All that tight leather just makes me think Fratdusky holds pep rallies with them in their lockerrooms before the games.

    12 years ago at 12:36 pm
    1. Miz_Secpledge

      ^ I was going to say the same thing. The only one that can dress well in the NBA, win championships, and I heard he has a slam in Denver…

      12 years ago at 12:55 pm
    2. Just to be clear, there are hipsters in fraternities. Probably really shitty Fuck Kobe. What a selfish player.

      12 years ago at 10:46 am