The Official 2016 Frat Bracket: Final Four

Jared Borislow9 years ago

Forget March Madness — this is March Fratness. The most fraternal objects, concepts, and actions, all duking it out to see what will reign supreme as 2016’s most frat thing — 100% decided by you sickos.

Well, folks, we’re down to the Final Four. Representing the East Coast region we have lone 1 seed Natural Light, and representing the West Coast region we have Cinderella 14 seed Shower beers, representing the Midwest region we have frat fashion stalwart 2 seed Sperry Top-Sider, and representing the South region we have fellow #2 Hazing. In this round, I’ll get a little bit more in-depth with each profile so as to give you guys all the tools you need to make an informed vote. Let’s get to it.

#1 Natural Light

Victories over: #16 Philanthropy, #9 Patagonia, #4 Cocaine, #2 Golf

Pretty much everything that needs to be said about Natural Light has already been said in this column. If you want to be an educated voter, that’s some required reading.

What more is there to say about the stuff? Beer is frat, and Natural Light is the frattest beer there is. You show me a fraternity man who doesn’t enjoy a warm can of the cheap stuff, and I’ll show you the plaintiff in an attempted murder charge wherein I’m the defendant (after trying to run over that ingrate with my PT Cruise-Cruise).

Required reading: In Defense Of A Cheap Beer: Natural Light

#14 Shower beers

Victories over: #3 Apathy, #11 Beer showers, #2 “You up?” texts, #9 5″ inseam shorts

A 14 seed in the Final Four? What a storyline. Shower beers didn’t just cruise their way in, either. With victories over a #3 and a #2, bathroom brews have proven that they deserve a spot in fratdom’s Final Four.

Like I said before, beer is frat, and shower beers specifically have a few things going for them that make them especially frat. First off, they represent the idea that it’s never not time for a beer. Typically, a shower is one of the few frequent events in a fraternity man’s life that doesn’t involve getting drunk. Shower beers changed the game, allowing your average fraternity man to drink more beer than ever before. Secondly, combining the shower and the pregame allows the shower beer consumer to have more free time to engage in other frat behavior, such as sex with women and anal ingestion of boxed wine.

Required reading: I’m Bringing Back The Shower Beer

Natural Light and shower beers may be facing off in this matchup, but they’re very close off the court. Both because the majority of shower beers are Natural Light, and because sometimes Natural Light saves the day and lets you shower when it seems all but impossible.

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#2 Sperry Top-Sider

Victories over: #15 High crown visors, #10 Holes in the drywall, #3 Adderall, #8 Beer pong

I can honestly say that I’m not sure I know a single fraternity member who doesn’t own at least one pair of Sperrys. In terms of fraternity fashion, there are many options for clothing — Vineyard Vines, Brooks Brothers, Polo Ralph Lauren, Southern Tide, Patagonia — the list goes on. But when it comes to shoes, Sperrys are it. New Balances to switch things up, sure, but you’re always gonna make your way back to those trusty slip-on boat shoes.

Even their shoe genre name is frat. Boat shoes. “Wearing boat shoes on land so everybody knows you have the money to afford a boat. TFM.” The TFMs write themselves. I’m not sure exactly when, where or why Sperrys exploded in popularity for everyday use, but all that’s not important — they’re here, and they’re here to stay. That is, until all of us are required to stop wearing them when we hit our thirties in an effort to save our continuously-lowering arches.

Required reading: An Ode To The Boat Shoe

#2 Hazing

Victories over: #15 Seersucker, #7 Republicanism, #3 Tailgates, #1 Butt stuff

There can be no bones about it — Hazing is FAF. Bows and toes, wall sits, sober drives, elephant walks… I’m getting a rage boner just thinking about doing all these things to a group of whiny, good-for-nothing, worst-pledge-class-ever member fucksticks. Turning a group of pussholes into men by making them go through a series of challenges like you’re Legends of the Hidden Temple host Kirk Fogg and the pledges are the bitch-ass Blue Barracudas. Building a mountain for them to summit a la the Aggro crag in Nickolodeon GUTS. Shooting a load in their faces like pledging is an episode of Slime Time Live.

Fraternities are nothing without their members, and their members are nothing without hazing.

Required reading: Why Hazing Is Good For You

Choosing which is more frat between Sperry Top-Sider and Hazing is the toughest decision you’ll make today, and possibly in this lifetime. I thank God that I, as commissioner, don’t vote, because I’d probably end up pulling out my hair out of stress, run out of head hair to pull out, then be forced to move on to painfully ripping out my pubes.

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Bracket design by Connor Davis. Follow him on Instagram.