The Oregon Militia Asked America For Supplies, Are Receiving Dildos Upon Dildos In Response
10 years ago

Even though keeping up with current events is part of my job description, I make certain exceptions. If I think something in the news shouldn’t be news at all, I do what Fetty Wap does every time he moves his head to the left: turn a blind eye to it. That’s exactly what I did in response to all this bizarre Oregon militia shit.

I honestly have no idea who they are, what they’re protesting, or what their demands are. I know nothing. Zilch. Because, from what I understand, that’s how it should be. A bunch of random dudes trying to get national attention by pandering to the 99% is insulting to the intelligence of the American populace. That’s why I’d never donate anything to their cause, not even the time it would take to get caught up on their doings.

Your attention isn’t all they’d like donated to them. They sent out a list of supplies that they claim they need to continue fighting the good fight. Here’s what they are asking for.

My favorite inclusions:

1. Money – Do you guys need money? Damn, I never would’ve guessed. Powerball’s at $1.4 billion, dogs. Hit it up.

2. Miracle Whip/Mayonnaise – It’s not protesting unless you have two mayonnaise-esque sandwich spread options.

3. Medicine – Very descriptive.

4. Gaming supplies – I’ve got a broken Nintendo Virtual Boy you can have.

So that’s what they asked for. And here’s what they got.

My biggest hope in the world right now is that the Oregon militia ends up so drastically undersupplied that they’re forced to actually utilize all the penis gear they’re receiving. Imagine a ton of middle-aged Oregonians posted up in federal buildings waving around 3-foot dildos like nunchuks and eating penis candies for sustenance. That would get me to start paying attention to this whole ordeal.

My faith in America that was taken away by these numbskulls has been replaced by Americans’ responses to their idiocy.

[via Twitter, YouTube]

Image via YouTube

  7. BloodyBunghole

    Begging for handouts so that you can continue a protest whose sole goal is to force the government to allow you to use public lands for private commercial enterprise without compensation… so NF.

    Stealing your bae’s dildo to make a point to someone you’ll never meet…TFM.

    10 years ago at 11:10 am
      1. 1_Rugey_Jentelman

        I’ve no need to educate myself on this topic. Fuck your taint sniffing militia.

        10 years ago at 2:08 pm
      1. BloodyBunghole

        Step 1: Use public lands
        Step 2: Protest with armed takeover of federal building
        Step 3: Beg for handouts
        Step 4: …
        Step 5: Capitalism (?)

        Drinking the Kool-aid…NF.

        10 years ago at 2:19 pm
  9. 8-Bitz

    These are probably the same people who deride any sort of tax funded government program as “filthy socialist handouts to lazy assholes.” Yet here they are, publishing a wish list begging for the American public to spend their hard earned cheddar on supplies so they can continue to play revolutionary war like preschool children. Stupid ass, inbred, FOX news indoctrinated, anti-government hillbillies completely oblivious to their own hypocrisy.

    10 years ago at 11:30 am
    1. Lord of the Fratio

      Whether or not I agree with what the Oregon militia is doing, there is a difference between asking private citizens for handouts and relying upon the government for one. The ends are the same, but the means are different. This is the same as the told old debate of whether the ends justify the means, and in this case, the means are representative of two different political idealogies. To ignore that fact would be as unenlightened as you claim these “inbred Fox News lovers” to be.

      10 years ago at 12:44 pm
      1. FratchetMan

        I don’t think the distinction was missed but just recognized as one without a material difference. Sure, charity and government transfers or subsidies are different. For critics of the latter, though, it is often chalked up to laziness and ineptitude that one should require public assistance. The OP castigated the militia for being at least one those preceding qualities for requiring handouts, public or private, outside from what one or one’s own community can muster.

        10 years ago at 10:36 pm
    2. Fratty Pebbles

      This militia was formed to protect private land owners from the federal government who punished them for saving their own land by doing a controlled burn. I can’t believe most of y’all are taking the liberals side in saying these patriots deserve a bag of dildos. All they want is to keep their land and not be prosecuted for saving it.

      10 years ago at 1:13 pm
      1. Hairy Truman

        The original family isn’t even involved anymore, the Bundys are just using his as an excuse to do the batshit stuff that family is known for

        10 years ago at 2:05 pm
    3. TossMeABronson

      These guys aren’t receiving handouts. If you bothered to read about the situation you would know it is over grazing rights on leased property and a controlled burn that got out of control and spread to land the very same person was leading. They have since been charged with terrorist activity because of the burn. That should worry anyone with any common sense whether you support ranchers, the leasing of public land, or just worry someday you or someone you know might be on the receiving end of over zealous “law enforcement”.

      10 years ago at 7:49 pm
      1. TossMeABronson

        Interestingly enough, this same family has won 3(?) lawsuits against the BLM.

        10 years ago at 7:50 pm
      2. AlcoholicDad

        Interestingly enough it’s not even the people who were charged who are leading this protest. The family thay was charged, the hammond family, had their day in court lost and were peacefully turning themselves in before this happened. It’s the bundy family, who literally had an armed standoff a year ago with federal agents, when he refused to pay for the use of grazing on public land. Which by the way they pay much less to use public land than they would private land. They complain about big government only when it doesn’t help them enough. You don’t see them protesting over all of the subsidies and handouts that they receive to keep their cattle ranching afloat. The bundy family is manipulating weak minded people to fight the government for them. They make cries of being true patriots and Americans yet are only doing this so they don’t have to pay anything to private or public land owners. This fight helps no one but the bundy family and if you support them you’re supporting a group of wealthy entitled lunatics who play militia. In all actuality this will most certainly hurt other ranchers who will eventually be denied use of public lands rather than have to deal with something like this.

        10 years ago at 10:20 pm
      3. TossMeABronson

        Because the father and son charged with setting the fires are in prison. The Bundy’s obviously have an ax to grind with the BLM, they believe the BLM had no right to ownership of the land to begin with. While I’m not going to defend him now, I can sympathize with his perception. And I certainly won’t defend everyone that showed up to Oregon, many are probably just troublemakers. But there is odiously more to the story here. They were just now sentenced for fires set in 2001 and 2006? And they were sentenced using a 1996 Antiterrorism sentencing guideline for setting a fire that got out of control and burned approx 100 acres? (These guidelines calling for 5 years in prison). And I did google the lawsuits, they did win 3 lawsuits vs the BLM.

        10 years ago at 1:31 am