The Story Of Roddy Payne: The Importance Of Hazing The Pledges
Read part I of Roddy Payne’s tale before this one by clicking here.
When my ass was a sophomore, I changed the face of fraternity pledge education. I was given the keys to the pledge educator program for my fraternity. I would be “teaching” them, “training” them, and “yelling” at them — so much yelling at them. Every pledge trainer around town wanted a piece of my shit. None of them could do what I did. I was just a man with a mind for excellence and a voice like a fucking lion’s roar. Sometimes when you bring the heat like I do, you get lost in the inferno around you. A true educator, when he’s staring his darkest hour in the face, will do whatever it takes to haze balls. He will fight and fight, because surrender is losing, and losing is for geeds. I ain’t no geed — I’m a fucking legend. This is my story.
I stared at the TV in disbelief. After sucking my team’s cock all off-season, we had just been upset by some midwestern school with a shit-for-brains coach. The combination of whiskey, numerous lines of cocaine, and the team’s loss sent me into an angry rage so powerful that I punched a hole right through our living room wall. I fumbled in my pockets for my cigs and walked out back. As smoke billowed from my mouth, lightning struck in the distance.
“Looks like there’s a shitstorm heading our way,” a voice behind me said.
As I turned, I was greeted by the last face I wanted to see: the pledge class legacy. I don’t know what it was about his chubby, entitled face, but it caused me to erupt like Mount Vesuvius. My whole body was filled with a murderous rage. I quickly whipped out my phone and fired a group message to all of the pledges.
House basement. You all have fifteen minutes.
Your boy was about to unleash hell on these poor bastards. I’d never conducted a lineup before, but I’d been on the other side of many as a pledge myself. I was hungry, but a little nervous at the same time. I had a sacred tradition to uphold — the tradition of kicking ass. The older brothers were counting on me. Derek was counting on me. The fate of the free world was counting on me. The pressure began to build up in my mind. I couldn’t fuck this up.
The weight on my shoulders would’ve crumpled some men, but I’m not some men. I knew I was the right motherfucker to step up to the plate and knock this shit out of the park and send the pledges into parts unknown. I didn’t need motivation. I’m Roddy fuckin’ Payne, after all. This is what I was born to do. Leader of men, hazer of pledges. It’s in my blood. I was amped. I was ready. Most importantly, I was pissed off.
I got to the basement and there stood my pledges, all thirty-five of them. I hated them all. There they stood, quivering, staring at me, some with fear in their eyes, others with smug grins. All of them were the cream of the crop from well-respected high schools and families. They’ve been coddled, I thought to myself. They don’t know pain, struggle, or misery. It is my job to teach them how to be men.
“Do you know why I called you all here tonight?”
They all shook their heads, except for one: Garrett. “Because you wanted some new friends?” he sarcastically remarked under his breath. Wrong move, buddy boy.
“Do you guys think this is funny? Everyone to the wall! SIT UNTIL I TELL YOU TO MOVE!”
While the class did as they were told, I shot a message to a brother upstairs asking him for the package, and told him to meet me out on the front lawn in ten minutes.
“You think this a joke, Garrett? You think this is some kind of game? Well, guess what. You’re all just pawns in Roddy’s game now. You live, breathe, and think about Roddy 24/7/365 or suffer the consequences. I AM YOUR MASTER AND YOU ARE MY BITCHES.”
The group of human sardines began to sink lower and lower to the ground as time went on. I eventually decided to let them up, and told them to go up the stairs and to the front lawn. There waited Kevin, a box, and two handles of Kentucky Deluxe. There was much anticipation among both Kevin and the pledges as to what was in the box. I opened it up to find the four logs of Copenhagen I had drunkenly bought the night before.
“Since some of you are in need of some exercise, I’m going to give it to you. We will be running in a formed line around Greek Circle until I think that you’ve had enough. After each lap, you will be taking a pull of Kentucky Deluxe. We will finish the bottles before we stop. Is that understood?”
The whole class nodded. “What’s the dip for?” Kevin asked.
“Well, Kevin, my boy, they will be doing this with half a can in each of their mouths.”
Their faces turned sour.
“If I suspect that you’ve spit out even a TINY bit of your half can, we will begin again.”
As the rain began to fall, the pledges took off in two columns. I cackled lightly thinking about how long that chubby legacy would last before throwing up.
“Just don’t actually kill one, Rod,” Kevin mentioned as he walked back into the house..
I once knew a pledge ed in another fraternity who used to do this thing where every pledge would get some stokers, sit downstairs, and learn about each other before season really started. And if one of them was adamantly opposed to doing it, his pledge brothers could decide how to distribute his portion of the tub. Not that anyone cares, I just think bonding experiences like that helps keep pledge classes close.
9 years ago at 8:06 amYeah you were right, we don’t care.
9 years ago at 8:51 amPretty sure a stoker is a bong pick, but what’s a “tub?”
9 years ago at 9:54 amStoker’s is a cheap dip that comes in quart tubs
9 years ago at 10:15 amIt tastes like crusty nut cheese and raw ammonia.
9 years ago at 12:32 pmDid they like it?
9 years ago at 11:17 amRod strikes me as the type of THP that stands at 5′ 6″, weighing less than the girls he tries to hook up with, and is the first to instigate and last to become involved a fight.
9 years ago at 8:30 amMy educator had the same mentality and he was fucking huge
9 years ago at 3:40 pmMy educator was about 5’6″ but he was big as fuck because of steroids.
9 years ago at 7:37 pmEven though he’s a fake character, we all know that legacy that just sucks dick.
9 years ago at 8:31 amSurprised this doesn’t have NSFW on it
9 years ago at 9:12 amYou PC bro?
9 years ago at 2:27 pmHell ya bro PC UMass, you PC too?
9 years ago at 5:35 pmWhere’s the elephant walk? That’s Steve holts favorite part!
9 years ago at 9:39 am“Hey guys, hazing pledges isn’t very nice. You could hurt their feelings!” – SigEp
9 years ago at 2:27 pmTaking personal disappointments out on the pledges instead of dealing with them in a healthy way. TFM.
9 years ago at 4:30 pmHow is hazing pledges an unhealthy way of stress relief?
9 years ago at 11:16 pmthis is really a piss poor hazing story. congratufuckinglations you did some wall sits. you think going for a run with a dip and taking swigs of bourbon are going to mold them into the men you want them to be besides a bunch of fuckboys? keep them in the damn basement. smoke their balls off til the walls sweat and then smoke them some more. make them hold their fat fuck pledge brothers accountable. bearcrawls, burpies, human centipede, exercises that making them hurt in places they ever though they had. a mans mind changes into what you want when they reach muscle failure.
9 years ago at 5:38 pmI guess not everyone is a fan of the Benning way, even if it is the right way.
9 years ago at 1:22 pmhaha fucking true
9 years ago at 6:30 pmAfter that they will need a rest period, so let them “rest” by standing on tiptoe and holding a quarter against the wall with their noses for 30 minutes, while not touching the wall with any other part of their body. One fucks up, heels hit the floor or the quarter drops or another part of the body touches the wall, they all get paddled and the time starts over. Yeah, I know. I’ll get laps for this but I don’t care. It’s good shit and harmless, but tough. That’s what makes good pledge memories.
9 years ago at 8:47 ampersonally i think the only rest they should get is in the front lean and rest position
9 years ago at 9:14 pmThat works too! TFM
9 years ago at 5:14 amIs this what they mean by a “non-hazing fraternity?”
9 years ago at 10:20 pmThis is honestly a pretty relatable story for most of us here, but the way you wrote it makes me want to punch you in your fucking face
9 years ago at 2:47 am