The Underage Bar

When I was 18, 19, 20-years-old I had a fake ID, just like everyone else. It was not a good fake ID. In fact, it was a laughable piece of shit. If someone accepted this fake ID chances are they either A) Didn’t care about their job, B) Were legally blind, or C) Couldn’t tell difference between white people. Obviously this ID did not work everywhere. I had to pick and choose my spots. That’s pretty standard with fake IDs though. There were certain bars that were more liberal with their carding policies than others. And by liberal I mean they valued their liquor license like I value a peso. Those are the places the underage drinkers flocked. It’s certainly where I went. But even though those bars were lenient carders I still felt like a certain amount of confidence and bravado were necessary to get in. I felt as though I had to SELL that fake, if for no other reason than to reassure the lazy doorman.

I was wrong. At the underage bar they don’t give a flying fuck.

I had always suspected that of course, at least a little, but it wasn’t until last weekend that this belief was 100% confirmed to me. I recently had the amusing pleasure of going to an “underage bar,” and well, Goddamn. It was as underage as underage could possibly be. My whole night could probably be best summed up by the interaction I witnessed as I walked in the door.

Drunk Girl: Okay, like, she’s my little sister and I KNOW she’s only seventeen but I promise she won’t like get in trouble or anything.

Doorman: I don’t know…

Drunk Girl: Pleeeeeeeaaaaaaassssseeeee.

Doorman: Okay, okay.

Drunk Girl: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(*gleefully runs inside with 17-year-old sister, who is immediately date raped*)

All of that is true, except for the date rape part, which I only assume is true. I was next in line but I decided to go ahead and walk right by the doorman. I didn’t think he needed to see my driver’s license since apparently a high school diploma wasn’t even a necessary requirement to get in. For some reason the doorman stopped me and demanded to see my ID. I kind of enjoyed it, not because it made me feel young (apparently I look 16?), but because it gave me an extended opportunity to laugh in his face. I should have just flashed him my pubes because I’m pretty sure the ACTUAL age requirement for that bar was “old enough to grow pubes.”

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against these types of establishments. I think they’re great, and like I said, I used to frequent them all the time. But that door guy trying to take himself seriously for thirty seconds was ridiculous. I think you lose the privilege of taking your job seriously when you knowingly let in a girl who was a part of the target audience for the ABCFamily Original Movie “Cyberbully.”

Being at that bar also made me wonder how the hell the owners can even bring themselves to let in all these undeRagers. As I surveyed the crowd all I could think was “Damn these kids look young.” I’m in my 20’s. The owner, who was tending bar and who I had the pleasure of meeting via high five (that probably explains A LOT), was EASILY 35, probably older. What does that crowd look like to him? Through his eyes it had to seem like he was slinging whiskey cokes at a Selena Gomez concert. I wonder if he even takes himself seriously as a bar owner. If he does it’s like if someone who deals pot to suburban high school kids watching “The Wire” and thinking, “Yeah, I do THAT!”

This bar was better than the other type of bar that lets in underage kids though. That other type being the creepy holes in the wall whose regulars have had prison sentences longer than many of your lives. “No sir, I would not like to pay five dollars to watch you masturbate in the bathroom, now please let me order my Bud Light and be on my way.”

It was a weird experience being in an underage bar again. I definitely felt a little awkward being there, by the way, in case anyone was wondering. I drank to forget that. It worked, mostly. But being there did give me an appreciation for one of life’s joys that I’ve long forgotten. The underage bar: because why should you have to be over 21 to have the privilege of overpaying for alcohol?

    1. Jerry Fratdusky

      Not washing the cum-stain out of a boy’s Superman undies because cum-stains are people too. RFM

      12 years ago at 5:49 pm
    2. Wilco Frat

      ^Holy shit, Fratdusky. I want to say “this”, but I think my conscience would get the better of me…

      12 years ago at 9:33 pm
    1. Papa_Burgundy

      I’ve got my wad of hundreds, i’ve got my magnum condums, i’m ready to plow!

      12 years ago at 10:24 am
    2. Frat Blue Ribbon

      This entire thread. Except for Nitro Hazelton. You are queer.
      You’re going to want to start huffing glue and wolfing down that cat food now

      12 years ago at 9:49 pm
    1. FRATomic_B0mb

      At the hawk I used a fake that looked nothing like me, turned around and handed the fake to my buddy in line behind me, right in front of the bouncer’s eyes and he just said “go ahead, I don’t care.” This place truly gives no fucks.

      12 years ago at 10:19 pm
    1. Fratlanta1839

      My theory is that Bacon didn’t write this. They just put his name on it so people will read it. At least, that’s what I hope. This was pathetic.

      12 years ago at 10:09 pm
  1. Parachutist

    It would be interesting to know the actual percentage of Greeks that have fake IDs. I go to a smaller university of about 12,000 students and true fakes are uncommon and most underage kids use a fraternity brothers ID to buy alcohol and such. I would imagine a fake is easier to acquire at larger schools where there is a bigger target market.

    12 years ago at 5:42 pm
  2. WhoDatFrat80

    The Keg in Lafayette is an excellent example. They don’t even bother giving wristbands, so you can imagine how shitty that show can get

    12 years ago at 6:03 pm
    1. WhoDatFrat80

      Copenhagen you’re so fucking cool man, but for Lent I gave up giving fucks. Go suck Mike’s dick.

      12 years ago at 10:48 am
    2. Copenhagen Ring

      haha sick brah, y’all are trash. Talk shit when you actually attend a real school. Have fun at the keg with the 16 year olds from acadian.

      12 years ago at 2:20 pm