The United States Of Chicks: A Map And Field Guide

jtrain10 years ago

I want to thank Erin Gloria Ryan over at Jezebel (yes, Jezebel) for the fun piece (I know! Fun! On Jezebel? I was shocked too) categorizing the bros of this great nation. She inspired me to do the same for the awesome chicks of ‘Merica. Enjoy.

Like “slampiece,” the word “chick” has been applied to a vast swath of American culture, and no one really knows what it means anymore. Turns out, much of that confusion can be attributed to the fact that chicks are different depending on where in the Puss-nited States of Blo-merica they’re located.

Overall, chicks just wanna have fun! Sometimes with a group of 5 or 6 other similarly dressed chicks while yelling, “I literally just can’t!” a lot.

So, without further ado, a brief survey of regional chicks and their aesthetic ideals.

The Manhattan Chick

Uniform: Business attire. Pencil skirt and nice, “find a dude with a big time job” heels. If it’s winter, expect the puffy jacket that doubles as a sleeping bag and for her to take two hours to put on all of her layers. If it’s summer, expect her to look “porno sexy secretary” chic.
Job: Fashion or PR. And she’s sooooooo busy like don’t even talk to her during the 52 weeks of fashion week. She once spent 15 minutes trying to sell Stella And Dot jewelry.
Intoxicant Of Choice: Anti-anxiety medication and vodka soda.
Habitat: A one bedroom converted to a two bedroom in Murray Hill, and a similar place in Chelsea, because she’s “so not Murray Hill,” and then a studio in Chelsea which she “loves!”
Hobbies: Brunch. Is there any other meal? No really, she doesn’t eat any other meals
Secret Shame: The “Manhattan Bro” she dated, is dating, and wants to marry.
Celeb Chickspiration: Katherine Heigl (but not the bitchy one).

The Chicago Chick

Uniform: A sweatshirt with jeans, or a sweatshirt with sweatpants, or a sweatshirt with a potato sack. If she’s going to a wedding, she’ll wear a “boyfriend flannel” with leggings. She’ll put on a dress if somebody dies or her friend from New York visits. Wears flats due to the uneven floors of Chicago’s divey, “beer and a shot” bar scene, and more uneven ideas of what constitutes sexy.
Job: Advertising/Marketing, which is fine because Chicago has weirdly low rent and $30,000 a year still leaves enough to buy duck-fat fries.
Hobbies: Mac and Cheese Bites. Late-night hot dogs. Putting on 10 pounds every winter. Talking to literally anyone in the bar. Rooting for the Cubs while not being able to identify a single player on their roster.
Intoxicant Of Choice: 16 oz. cans of craft beer, or, if she’s watching her figure, 12 oz. cans of craft beer.
Secret Shame: She has family from the South Side. She never actually loses the weight she gains every winter.
Celeb Chickspiration: The quirky, slightly-less-good-looking best friend from every romantic comedy.

The Mid-Atlantic Chick

Uniform: Think of a living, breathing, J. Crew mannequin. She’ll even have the personality to match. During the summer she’ll switch it up with a dress she got from the Anthropologie catalogue. Remember all those years masturbating to the Anthropologie catalogue? No? Oh.
Job: High school lacrosse coach, or a recruiter that specializes in high school lacrosse coaches.
Intoxicant Of Choice: She likes her wine like her friends: white.
Secret Shame: She doesn’t want a Golden Retriever. She’d rather spend the minutes walking a dog that sheds in a tanning booth.
Celeb Chickspiration: Any celebrity that is universally liked. Think Bethenny Frankel or post-Brad Jennifer (she calls her “Jen”).

The Southern Sorority Chick

Uniform: A date party t-shirt with a sexual innuendo slogan that her dad understands but wishes he didn’t. At night, her and her friends are going to look like a mural painted by Lilly Pulitzer on psychedelics. She also doesn’t “know how much this dress costs” or “where she got it.”
Intoxicant Of Choice: Vodka soda and shots. Anything that tastes similar to the concoction she’d put in her plastic water bottle throughout college. Low calorie, high intoxication, deniability.
Hobbies: Telling you what sorority she was in then asking you and making a face, followed by saying, “They’re different at every school.”
Secret Shame: She wears something grey to bed. Tried anal once. Made eye contact with the ethnic at Chipotle once.
Celeb Chickspiration: Regina George.

The LA Chick

Uniform: Every girl is dressed like they’re on their way to a casting call for the My So Called Life reboot. Think about the casual clothes your mom wore in the ’90s. Doc Martin boots, jean jackets, misguided optimism for the future. If the hot chick from your hometown got a makeover from the fat girl in Clueless (Alicia Silverstone).
Intoxicant Of Choice: Kombucha tea and cocaine.
Job: Actress, writer, model. Just look up any former Real World character’s website bio.
Hobbies: The gym. The gym. The gym. The gym. The gym. The gym. Breathing the good smelling air of a restaurant. The gym. The gym.
Secret Shame: Breathing the good smelling air of a restaurant.
Celeb Chickspiration: Any of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (except Carlton Gebbia).

The Masshole

Uniform: Northface jacket zipped halfway up with a college sweatshirt underneath. On occasion she’ll be wearing a Sox hat with a shirt that tells you how strong Boston is after a recent tragedy or professional sports comeback win. If she has an accent, she will surely have an iced Dunkin’ in one hand and a balled up fist in the other.
Habitat: Dive bars. Fenway. The new place she just got in Southie. The bathroom making her hair look wet even when it isn’t.
Hobbies: Driving like an aggressive dick, yelling at someone, talking about how much she loves Dunkin’.
Secret Shame: Sleeps with a guy who is originally from Southie on occasion.
Celeb Chickspiration: The Wahlberg brothers, “the funny fat chick in that movie” (Melissa McCarthy in The Heat).

The D.C. Chick

Uniform: If you took a picture of this chick every year until she died, it would look like she just morphed into Nancy Reagan. Think of how a senator’s wife dresses for his press conference about diddling the nanny. At night, local uniform is dark jeans, black top, black blazer, gold necklace. Think of what you’d wear to rock the boat the least if you made a bet that had the loser dressing like a woman for the night.
Job: She works “on the hill” or for a think tank. Like Manhattan chick, she is soooo busy.
Habitat: Migrating south to north. First apartment in Northern Virginia (Alexandria or Crystal City) to one in Georgetown; all of these apartments look like a Crate And Barrel showroom where sex was had on a towel close to a receptacle.
Hobbies: Political events, charities, and anything that tells you which college she attended (think sporting events, alumni activities). Disregard this if she went to Maryland or Delaware. Also, smelling like alcohol and avoiding the topic of their education.
Secret Shame: Still wishing McCain had won.
Celeb Chickspiration: Olivia Pope if she was white.

The Portland Chick

Uniform: Think of how your lesbian gym teacher dressed but you’d do her.
Job: Gym teacher.
Drink Of Choice: Whatever is in her Nalgene.
Hobbies: Events that make you need a shower but are far away from said shower: hiking, biking, running…far away from showers.
Secret Shame: She wore heels once.
Celeb Chickspiration: Carrie Brownstein.

The Dallas Chick

Uniform: Herve Leger dress, Christian Louboutin pumps, Hermes Birkin bag complete with a suffocating toy dog inside. Think of the girl walking out of Starbucks with a dinner ring bigger than your engagement ring. Terrifyingly white teeth and bleach blonde hair. She’s a master of likability.
Job: What job?
Drink Of Choice: Vodka with a drop of water. A drink from Starbucks that’s order takes as long to dictate as this article takes to read.
Secret Shame: Started Botox and laser hair removal in high school. She’s 1/16 Mexican.
Hobbies: Maxing out dad’s credit cards, juice trends, manis/pedis, working out, tanning, hair, shopping, walking her tiny dog, and anything tiny dog or gala related.
Celeb Chickspiration: Gwyneth Paltrow (especially for her stance on working mothers). Anyone on Dallas Most Eligible.

The Colorado Chick

Uniform: Form fitting plaid shirt, Patagonia vest, skinny jeans, and moccasins. It’s hot until you go to a nice restaurant (don’t worry, they don’t exist here).
Job: She works for a non-profit that will become a for profit as the marijuana laws get less and less stringent.
Intoxicant Of Choice: Whiskey and a spliff. You know, like Audrey Hepburn used to party.
Secret Shame: She lied about hiking a fourteener. She doesn’t actually want to be active but it’s the only way to meet dudes. That, and telling people she voted for Obama. She also thinks that the only thing marijuana cures is being full.
Hobbies: Skiing, talking about skiing, talking about what ski gear she has, talking about the ski gear she’s thinking about buying, recycling, taking her dog everywhere, and saying “fresh pow” in front of people as much as possible.
Celeb Chickspiration: Lindsey Vonn.

The Provo Chick

Uniform: Probably.
Job: Won’t.
Intoxicant Of Choice: Bone.
Habitat: Before.
Hobbies: Marriage.
Secret Shame: Move.
Celeb Chickspiration: On.

The Brooklyn Chick

Uniform: She’s dressed like she ran through the costume closet of a theater from 1943. Her hair is perfectly different. Bangs cut distinctly across the forehead, the one strand of pink that’s dyed perfectly in the center of her neck (and under the rest of her hair). She has a tattoo on the side of her body that’s a quote in cursive that means nothing now and even less when she’s fifty.
Job: She’s a writer, actress, and improviser. She uses all these skills to get guys to buy more drinks at her waitress job and then avoid them when they hit on her.
Drink Of Choice: Anything with bitters. And prepare to hear about all the curing qualities of bitters. She once took bitters instead of Plan B.
Habitat: A Bushwick apartment. Did you know black people live there? She’ll make sure you do now.
Hobbies: Talking about Brooklyn, doing things in Brooklyn, talking about how expensive Manhattan is, encouraging her friends to do brunch in Brooklyn then spending the whole brunch talking about how they should move to Brooklyn.
Secret Shame: All of her clothes are from Urban and Forever 21. She slept with a Manhattan bro once and he was actually a nice guy she got along with. She read, and enjoyed, “Fifty Shades Of Grey.”
Celeb Chickspiration: Any movie where the lead was living in Brooklyn and at some point had a pen in her hair and wrote really inspiring stuff in her free time.

The Miami Chick

Uniform: The skirt that goes up to the middle of her stomach and leaves a space of skin before her see through shirt and push up bra combo. If this outfit were to be given a nickname, it would be the “Instagram.”
Job: Servicing some dude who still uses a flip phone and reads a newspaper.
Intoxicant Of Choice: Molly. Anything that can make EDM music tolerable.
Hobbies: Clubs. Beach. Living every day like it’s her last. She’s big on Instagram.
Habitat: That dude with a flip phone also has an awesome apartment his wife doesn’t frequent.
Secret Shame: The big thick book she brings to the beach is a box for her weed.
Celeb Chickspiration: Kim Kardashian before she got fat (the words “fat” and “pregnant” are the same to her).

The Great Plains Chick

Uniform: Does this place exist?
Job: What do people do here?
Intoxicant Of Choice: Water?
Hobbies: Farms. Do they still have farms?
Secret Shame: Umm.
Celeb Chickspiration: Honey Boo Boo?

The Silicon Valley Chick

Uniform: For night and work she dresses like any Manhattan chick would except she makes eye contact with nerds. During the day, anything from Marine Layer. She wants to look like she’d go to the beach but it rained and now all she has is this brand new shirt that looks old.
Job: She’ll have a title at the hottest new startup that sounds made up, and makes sure every conversation makes her sound very important. What does the “Transactional Strategic Partner Manager” do exactly? Just shut up and be in awe.
Intoxicant Of Choice: Blue Bottle drip coffee by day and a Tipsy Pig “Strawberry Fields” by night. She’s also going to taste the wine like there’s a chance she would send it back.
Hobbies: “Instragramming” anything created by nature except her boobs. Startups, talking about startups, telling people her new app idea, hating on people’s app ideas.
Secret Shame: Knows nothing about wine or apps. Hates being active.
Celeb Chickspiration: Mark Zuckerberg or Steve Jobs’ wife (more Steve’s because he’s dead and she isn’t sure about Facebook’s long term earning strategy).