The Wall Street Journal Tries To Define A “Bro,” Swings And Misses


The Wall Street Journal is typically not regarded as your go-to source for “bro culture.” Therefore, we should not be all that surprised that they actually lack the slightest clue of what makes someone a “bro.” In a strange and seemingly stretched attempt to connect with college basketball fans, they recently attempted to rank the Sweet 16 field of schools based off of the “bro-ness” of their campuses. If you are already slightly uncomfortable and disturbed by this notion, just wait, it gets worse.

According to the Wall Street Journal, a bro can generally be categorized as being “mostly male students from the East Coast who join fraternities, gravitate to majors in finance, and can tell you exactly how many beers they ‘crushed’ last night. They like to wear bow ties in a sort of neo-Preppy way, but oddly, also tank tops. They’ve seen every episode of ‘Entourage’ five times and like to address each other as bro, broski, of brofessor.”

So I guess we are just going to negate the rest of the whole fucking country and just assume that any male residing in any area other than the East Coast is just not worthy of bro status – off to a good start with that one, buddy. Secondly, is there any possibility that they simply gravitate towards majors in finance, or business in general for that matter, because they are just smart enough to realize that a major in Public Policy is worth less than the piece of toilet paper they wipe their ass with — at least, they seem to know the first steps in landing a job after graduation.

In order to rank these schools, and to truly quantify what it means to be a “bro,” they came up with what they call “advanced bro metrics,” which I guess they thought would be a funny way to marginalize the bro community. The metrics used included: the popularity of fraternity and sorority life on campus, how many graduates end up in finance and consulting, the schools’ party scenes, the success of its lacrosse programs, the number of “bro-centric” items sold in the school’s book store, and the proximity of a J. Crew store to the school.

To be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if this dude didn’t get a bid freshman year and has now allowed that single defining fact to dictate the way in which he views all guys who happen to be wearing salmon colored shorts, croakies, or boat shoes. After all, a quick look at the author’s LinkedIn profile shows that he was a graduate of not only Duke University, the fourth highest ranked school on his list, but also from the oh-so-prestigious Dalton School, located on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. With that being said, maybe his disdain towards finance majors and bow ties comes from the fact that he couldn’t live up to Daddy’s expectations of becoming a broker on Wall Street, so now naturally all he can do is wear sweat suits and shit on college kids, all from the comfort of his own computer.

For anyone who is still interested in exactly what his twisted and downright flawed rankings look like, they are as follows:

Notre Dame
North Carolina
Iowa State
Texas A&M

Some questionable decisions in there to say the least.

[via Wall Street Journal]

  1. Dizzy_Bat

    Anyone that refers to their friends as “brofessor” needs a swift kick in the dick

    8 years ago at 10:10 am