The Weekly Would You Rather: Cheeto Fingers

Jared Borislow8 years ago

Sometimes it’s good to shop around and see if other people have the same answers as you do to life’s toughest questions. Every week, I’ll respond to the best “would you rather” questions that are either tweeted at me @DeVryGuy or emailed to me at [email protected]. Here are my answers to this week’s questions.

Would you rather be the president of a known shitty, (fraternity redacted)-like fraternity, or a permanent pledge in a school’s most elite fraternity?

First off, the fraternity I redacted from that user-submitted question was TKE. Couldn’t leave you guys guessing.

The key here is permanence. Pledge forever? No thanks. How would that be fun?

Now let’s discuss the other option. Every great fraternity in existence was shitty at some point. Those first few years after chartering are usually rife with bottom-tier sorority hangouts, Craigslist formal dates, and goobers. It’s the essential stepping stone. Sure, your fraternity might be a dump, and you might be the leader of said landfill, but think about how fulfilling it would be to be a catalyst for change in your fraternity’s culture. You could come back in 5 years, see a sprawling brotherhood of frat stars operating like a well-oiled machine, and know that everything is going well because of all the hard work you put in. Sure, you won’t hook up with any of the girls when you go back because you are now 27 and never learned how to talk to girls in college because of your debilitating status as king of the squids, but knowing you enabled your brothers to get laid should be enough.

I would never want to be Greg, though. Nobody wants to be Greg.

Would you rather have your dick chopped off with anesthesia and never feel physical pain from it, or have 1 ball slowly popped in a vice while feeling the whole thing?

Here’s what the guy who submitted this question had to say about it.

First reaction is to take the nut popping. It may hurt, but you can get a fake one added and be good as new. And you still get to fuck. But then I think about how much it hurts to just get nut tapped, and my mind can’t fathom how much it would hurt to actually pop.

The first reaction is definitely to take the nut popping – and that should be the second reaction, third reaction, fourth reaction, etc. In what situation would you ever take anything over having a dick? If the options were to die from suffocation caused by aspirating my own turds after having my butthole stitched shut, or have my dick cut, off I’d choose the sweet embrace of death without hesitation. There is truly no reason to live if you don’t have your penis.

I agree with our man here about the pain, obviously. I can’t even imagine how unbelievably painful having my testicle slowly exploded between two metal walls. This is what comes to mind when I think of that final, erupting moment.

I imagine my reaction would be similar to his as well. But anything to keep my dick securely attached to my body.

We can all agree that being inflicted with both of these crippling ailments would be awful. You’d try to get that fly to shut up and get orange dust all in and around your ears. Less than ideal. People would think you had a disgusting ear infection at all times and assume you had the terrible equilibrium that comes along with it. You’d have to constantly lean your head in the direction of your crusty fly ear and deviate your walking path slightly towards that direction as well to keep up with appearances. Sure, you could wear gloves, but then there’s no chance that fly’s gonna shut up.

Luckily, I only have to choose one – and there’s no chance it’s the fly buzzing. You’d never be able to relax! I can’t even stand that sound for 2 seconds, I don’t even want to think of the internal torture that’d be caused by perpetual buzzing. You’d always be twitching and finicking and looking around everywhere – people would start to think you were paranoid. Not a good look.

While Cheeto fingers for the rest of my life would turn me into some bootleg version of King Midas where everything I touch turns to orange instead of gold, it’s just the overall better option. You have a delicious snack right at your fingertips (literally) at all times! Sure, foreplay with girls could get a little awkward, but let’s be honest – if you have Cheeto fingers, no girl is going to want to sleep with you anyways.

Check out the previous edition of The Weekly Would You Rather:

The Weekly Would You Rather: Small Holes

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