The Weekly Would You Rather: Oversize Load

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Sometimes it’s good to shop around and see if other people have the same answers as you to some of life’s toughest questions. Every week, I’ll respond to the best “would you rather” questions that are either tweeted at me @DeVryGuy or emailed to me at jared@totalfratmove.com. Here are my answers to this week’s questions.

A proper conundrum. Picture both possibilities here:

1. You’re a disgusting motherfucker whose mouth is just chock full of hair. When you open your mouth underwater it looks like you’re eating a damn sea anemone. Nobody can stand to look at you when you talk, and you’re constantly picking hair out of your mouth because your hair teeth are always falling out. You also have to gargle shampoo in lieu of mouthwash, and it doesn’t taste anything like it smells.

2. You’re a normal, functioning human…until you bring a girl home. God bless any woman brave enough to not jump out your bedroom window, regardless of what floor you live on, after taking a gander at your horrifying Tooth-bic region. While the rest of you is completely normal, your undercarriage looks like an Armadillo’s shell. Not ideal by any stretch of the imagination.

The winner, though, is the latter: teeth as pubic hair. No girl’s going to look at you twice if you have hair teeth, but charm the shit out of a chick and she might just overlook the fact that she can get gingivitis from giving you a blowjob.

This one’s a lot more straight forward. Is this Frank Reynolds Danny DeVito or any other Danny DeVito? I’ve gotta go with the Nutella licking if it’s the Frank Reynolds version, as I think the faint hint of rum ham that would be present would be an interesting addition to the flavor profile. If it’s any other Danny, though, I’m shooting up that heroin. Hopefully the smack would affect me enough to where I legitimately think that I’m licking Nutella out of Frank Reynolds’ dump hole.

Would you rather blow a dude for one minute and he jizzes, or twenty minutes but he doesn’t jizz?

Wow. A truly thought-provoking question that I’m sure every single one of humanity’s greatest minds has pondered at one point or another. The information isn’t all there, though – where does he finish? For the sake of my response, I’m going to say in my mouth, and I have to swallow.

My answer? You take that load. You take it every damn time. Why? Let’s talk.

Let’s not sit here and pretend like once word gets out that you sucked a dick, anybody is going to care about whether or not the dude jizzed.

“You blew a dude? EW, MAN! Oh wait, he didn’t jizz? It’s cool bro, no homo.”

That’s just not how it works. The status and location of the sperm in this situation is not the be-all-end-all for determining whether or not you sucked a dude’s dick – that title belongs to the status of a penis being in your mouth. Which it was, for twenty damn minutes.

Speaking of which, you just blew a dude for twenty minutes and he didn’t cum? Not only did you just suck a dude’s dick, you weren’t even good at it. I’m pretty sure that’s the worst part of either of the two options, which is saying something given their ramifications. If you’re going to do something, do it right.

I’m taking that load.

Image via Shutterstock

  1. Fraddington_bear

    Would you rather shove a needle in your dickhole, or a cucumber in your ass?

    9 years ago at 1:56 pm
  2. Texas Tux and Oil

    Would you rather take it in the butt to get a BJ or give it in the butt to give a BJ?

    *could be a chick with strap on

    9 years ago at 1:56 pm
    1. Donald Frater

      Ain’t nothing gay about getting fucked by a chick with a strap-on, I always say.

      9 years ago at 2:03 pm
      1. FrayettevilleLegend

        I don’t always say that, but I definitely day that every Tuesday night. S/O to Venice.

        9 years ago at 2:05 pm
      2. FrayettevilleLegend

        Phone auto-corrected “say” to “day.” S/o means Shout-out. Venice is the BDSM hooker off Wolf of Wall Street who sticks a candle in Belfort’s ass. I’m not exactly sure how you’re confused. If the problem still exists, take 5 to 7 Clorox Tablets (suppository) and call your local mortician.

        9 years ago at 10:56 pm
      3. Texas Tux and Oil

        So just so I get this clear, Sucking a plastic dick to then get anal is NF but taking said plastic dick in the ass just to revive a slow blow is frat?

        9 years ago at 2:13 pm
  3. Money_Ball

    Would you rather be as shitty an employee as the Intern, or write as shitty articles as SteveHolt?

    9 years ago at 1:57 pm
    1. SteveHoltOnDrugs

      Would you rather read a SteveHolt article or be struck between the eyes repeatedly with a five-pound ball peen hammer?

      9 years ago at 11:44 pm
  4. Amy Erica

    Would you rather sit on a dick and eat cake, or sit on a cake and eat dick?

    9 years ago at 2:05 pm
  5. bourboncountry

    I’ve asked alot of people this and hopefully I can articulate it through text.
    So you bang the hottest girl in the world. (This is in a world where it is absolutely undisputed that she is the hottest). And she tells you “if you tell anyone you never get to bang again”. But all your friends will know you banged the hottest girl in the world (she would prove it somehow). Or you can choose to bang her again but once you bang her the second time you never get to tell anyone but you can bang her as much as you want after that.

    Personally I’m telling everybody and becoming a legend. Thoughts?

    9 years ago at 2:07 pm
    1. ATO_Frat

      You’ve already conquered the mountain, no one climbs Mt. Everest twice. I feel like everyone would choose to tell. Maybe to even out the odds if the guy chooses to tell he can only bang ugly chicks from then on.

      9 years ago at 2:18 pm
      1. bourboncountry

        Good point. Maybe you don’t actually get to fuck her but everybody thinks you did.

        9 years ago at 2:43 pm
  6. Jameson Von Budweiser

    I’m going to respectfully disagree with you Jared. To get him to cum in a minute you’re gonna have to put in a ton of dick sucking effort, work the balls, maybe even deep throat him a bit. If he doesn’t have to cum, you could kinda just lazily hold it in your mouth and play Grand Theft Auto or something to get your mind off said penis. Give me the 20 minutes and keep him out of the way of my TV.

    9 years ago at 2:10 pm