The Worst Day of the Frat Year: Spring Break Drive Home

My hands are shaking right now. I’m not sure if it’s because of the hangover or the adderall/coffee/dip binge I’m on. Regardless, typing is not easy.

Our driver probably shouldn’t be behind the wheel right now. He was taking shots until 5am last night. Although I guess we all were, so looks like we’re rolling with this driving arrangement for the foreseeable future.

These were my first thoughts on the absolute worst day of the frat year—the spring break drive home. Not only is spring break over with, but now we have to leave PCB and all its morally devoid glory for a year. We also have to drive 16 hours to get home. Not to mention I’m missing about half the possessions I came down there with, including my favorite croakies. Oh and I have a sunburn so intense that pillows hurt my skin.

I ask the driver to pull over so I can puke on the side of the road. Somehow, some way, this is going to hurt my skin. Thankfully no one is going to see me in my shameful state because there’s literally nobody around. We can’t even pick up a radio station on this shitty, backwoods, panhandle road.

The only way to pass the time on the drive is to collectively try to figure out exactly what happened over the course of the week. Nobody knows if we went to Sharky’s or Hammerhead Fred’s on Monday. Nobody knows where Frank went for 5 hours in the middle of the day Tuesday. We discuss the STD we most likely got from the hotel pool (AIDS is the runaway winner). We also try to figure out how the drunkest member of the trip managed to get into the bar on Friday wearing only one shoe and attempting to pay cover with a switchblade he found on the beach that day.

In a few days we will resume classes, and the beautiful women will no longer be wearing bikinis all day. There will be no beach, colder weather, and Greek Week bullshit for the next three weeks.

Yeah, it’s always sad to leave PCB, but let’s look at some of the positives. At school it’s just going to be your roommate walking in on you and your slam during an afternoon quickie instead of the Mexican maid and seventeen people you vaguely remember inviting back to your room a half hour earlier. You’ll also finally have a bed to pass out in instead of the driest, least sandy part of the hotel room floor.

But at the end of the day the few negatives of spring break, the drive included, are greatly outweighed by the many positives of the trip. Spring break is the best week of the year. Hands down. One day of hungover hell on a highway is absolutely worth a week of giving zero fucks in a trashy beach city. It’s what we look forward to all semester, nay, all year. This travel day is trying to make us not want to go back. But we always do. Every year. Even with all the bad decisions, all the sorostitute drama, and this terrible drive, it’s worth it. One thousand times over. Besides, making a decision while hungover is sort of like making a decision while drunk. When you’re drunk you’re up for anything, when you’re hungover you never want to do anything again. Don’t listen to your hangover, you know you’re going back.

But all I can think about on this day is the drive. Compared with other bad hangover days of the frat year, such as the days after the first and last home game of the year, the day after the first snow, the start of finals week, and the 5th of July, this is the worst of the worst. Time to kill a Gatorade, two gas station hot dogs, and a jumbo bag of pepperoni pizza Combos.

    1. Frat_Sajak

      Mizzou’s has break this week, it’s right on time…hell if anything a bit early seeing as it ain’t Friday yet.

      12 years ago at 5:18 pm
    2. ice cold frat

      MU system has break the last week of March in order to spur economic activity for one of its smaller universities over st. pat’s.

      12 years ago at 5:34 pm
  1. John Bell

    I’ll never understand why people love stepping foot on the geed infested, overly developed shithole that is Panama City Beach. I’ll take a house in Gulf Shores with a bunch of my brothers and a neighboring sorority over that metropolis any day.

    12 years ago at 5:15 pm
    1. 1871

      what are you, 50? trashy sororistute laden is the valhalla of fratty collegiate activities

      12 years ago at 5:22 pm
  2. Jeffrey Lebowski

    That shaking feeling is the worst. The 8+ hour bus ride home was the worst.

    12 years ago at 5:18 pm
  3. Frat_Sajak

    This is EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS. Frat the FUCK ON! This is why I love Missouri. GO CARDS

    12 years ago at 5:19 pm
    1. Fratrick Swayze 1856

      I have heard Destin attracts a lot more greeks… anyone care to shed some light on it?

      12 years ago at 6:09 pm
    2. Richard Sperry Owens

      ^ The beach in front of Whale’s Tail. Nothing but Greeks from SEC country and Texas.

      12 years ago at 8:01 pm
    3. Marlboro Man

      Panama City is fuckin crazy don’t get me wrong, but i spent two days their and the geed to greek ratio was way too high. We got a beach house in Destin for the rest of the trip. At least 95 percent of the people i came in contact with were Greek.
      So, if you’re looking to bang hippy geed chicks, while surrounded by men with dreadlocks, go PCB.
      If you wanna Bang multiple Sororstitutes much more willing to ignore their morals in honor of Spring Break, Destin is your place.

      12 years ago at 8:40 am
    4. Sratty Star

      Destin is the shitttt, i’m here right now and it is way better than panama has ever been.

      12 years ago at 2:53 pm
    5. Eric_StrATOn

      Destin in front of Whale’s Tail was the frattiest place to be. Nothing but fratstars and sluts.

      12 years ago at 1:27 pm
  4. purple_and_red

    When you meet a person at Gulf Shores, you simply ask, “What fraternity/sorority are you in?”

    When you meet a person at PCB, you simply ask, “What is wrong with everyone here?”

    12 years ago at 5:58 pm