The Worst Formal Story You’ve Ever Read
It was the winter semi-formal of my freshman year when I had just been initiated into my chapter. With pledgeship taking up almost all of my time, I had yet to lock down any sort of date. Was I supposed to go into desperate mode and send one mass text that simply contained the question “formal?” to every single girl in my phone, regardless of their location? Nah, I don’t play those kind of games. See, I had a ringer in my back pocket — the daughter of my dad’s partner at his firm. Jamie was a year older than me and was a fine member of Kappa. She was always fond of me, but fearing any sort of repercussion that would hurt Dad (and subsequently any access I had to his bank account), I kept her at bay. With all other options exhausted, I hit her up asking if she’d go with me. Five seconds later, I received an ecstatic “yes!” with one thousand emojis.
The plan was for a couple of my pledge brothers and our dates to get dinner and then head to the house to pre-game. I picked Jamie up a casual 30 minutes later than I told her because I had gotten caught up watching the Big 12 Championship and drinking on someone’s couch. Despite her obvious disdain for me being late, she was looking good, real good, in a tight, white dress that showed off just enough of her cleavage to know what’s there, and just enough to keep it mysterious. She clearly had put more effort into her looks than I had that night. And off we went to dinner and the pre-game.
Once we arrived, we all began to hit the bottle, and hit it hard. From margaritas to Kraken, the alcohol was flowing. Since I was young, dumb, and full of rum, I brought up the idea of playing margarita pong, which earned a round of applause from the rest of the crew. Fuck. It only took a few rounds before the margarita stuff was gone, and I was on the hunt for something, anything, that we could pour in our cups. I found a hidden gem in my big brother’s room: a box of Franzia. “Jackpot!” I thought to myself as I made my way back to our party room. After a few slaps of the bag and games of pong, I was done. My mind was gone, and there was no coming back. Inexplicably, we made it to the hotel ballroom for the actual formal where we continued to drink heavily. My drunken bravado kicked in when I dragged Jamie onto the dance floor.
I had no control over any brain functions at that moment on the floor. All of the alcohol I had consumed had taken over my body. The dance moves, the shameless titty grab during pictures, and what was about to happen next can all be attributed to margarita and Franzia. Deep down I had felt something brewing in my stomach. As we drunkenly swayed to the music, grinding our bodies against each other, we began to make out pretty heavily on the dance floor. Like the calm before the storm, all my worries were gone, and I didn’t think about it. That was until I had to blow.
A flood of red liquid poured out of my mouth and into hers at speeds that would make Old Faithful look like a drinking fountain. Naturally, this caused her to begin to puke out her own remnants of margarita, Franzia, and crappy Italian food. When I was done, I looked up, hoping to find a consoling soul to help nurse me back to health, but what I found was the spiteful eyes of the devil. The dress was ruined, her hair was going to need at least four or five good washings, and more importantly, I probably wasn’t getting laid that night.
Jamie stormed out of the hotel ballroom, infuriated and extremely distraught. I begrudgingly went after her, because, after all, I did just yack a Franzia/margarita slush into her mouth and all over her body. I found her crying outside on a bench — typical. After earning myself an earful of screeching and yelling, I hailed a cab to take her home, hoping to rebuild any chance I had. The ride back went over smoothly, where I sweet talked my way into her house, where we cleaned up, sat on her couch, and began to make out again. Just like Dikembe Mutombo would swat away shots, my stomach told me “oh no, no, no,” and exploded once again, this time all over her and her couch. After wiping my mouth off, I looked up with a sheepish grin and said, “At least I didn’t get it in your mouth this time.”
“GET OUT AND GET OUT NOW!” she yelled.
As I walked out of her house, slightly ashamed at my actions, I turned to her and asked her — what are, to this day, the last words I’ve spoken to her — “So, you wanna maybe just bang it out?”.
Sounds like you need a Therapist
9 years ago at 10:06 amCan’t be the worst because Steve Holt didn’t write it.
9 years ago at 10:08 amThat last line was the equivalent of a hail mary from inside your own 5.
9 years ago at 10:09 amDown by two touchdowns with 11 seconds left.
9 years ago at 10:49 amNot quite that serious
9 years ago at 10:56 amNo, it indeed was
9 years ago at 8:12 amWow, cool story.
9 years ago at 10:09 amWow, cool comment / insight [only because making take a lap was just not enough IMO] ….
9 years ago at 12:09 pmYou weren’t lying
9 years ago at 10:32 amGood story. Not too long, just like my weiner.
9 years ago at 10:35 amLong dicks. NF
9 years ago at 11:10 amPuking NF
9 years ago at 10:38 amYou ain’t puking, you ain’t trying.
9 years ago at 10:41 amThinking I might hit her up today.
9 years ago at 10:41 amEvery time I read your name, I read it in my head: The the rapist
9 years ago at 10:46 amLove the honesty. I really do. But if you are sober enough to remember the story, and think you’re gonna yack why not go to the bathroom when you think you’re gonna yack pull the puke trigger rinse and spit and stroll back out there like a champ with her none the wiser?
9 years ago at 10:46 amYou’re being way too logical about this. I mean, how much of this do you think he really remembers, and how much is just embellishing so the story is coherent? (Not to mention plenty of it is probably just him saying what his brothers told him happened the next day.) And obviously he didn’t think to himself, “Feels like I’m gonna puke soon. Better not do anything about it.”
9 years ago at 1:07 pmYour explanation assumes that large sections of this story are true.
9 years ago at 10:59 amRemembering little – embellishing greatly. TFM
9 years ago at 12:53 pm….So you banged it out, right?
9 years ago at 10:50 am