This Guy Probably Should Have Stayed Sober

Rob Fox13 years ago

Some people just aren’t good at being drunk. I’ve known people who quit drinking not because they abused alcohol, but because alcohol abused them. 27-year-old Justin Gilpatrick of Portland, Oregon, is probably one of those types of people. I don’t know what happened the last time Gilpatrick got drunk. Maybe it was a DUI, maybe he stole some kid’s sidewalk chalk and traced a silhouette of his penis on the kid’s front door, who knows? Whatever it was, before a few days ago he hadn’t had a drink in years, and that was probably a good thing. That’s because apparently when Justin Gilpatrick falls off the wagon, he falls hard.

Yahoo has the full story:

Justin Gilpatrick said he hadn’t had a drink in years. But after a night out drinking with a friend in Portland. Ore., the 27-year-old decided he was too intoxicated to drive home.

Oh, well that actually sounds responsible. Could I have spoken too soon? (Spoiler alert: yes).

So, in a questionable move, Gilpatrick decided to sleep it off in a nearby dumpster.

Wow. A dumpster? You really accelerated from zero to hobo in about three seconds, huh? Was the urine soaked floor of the bar’s bathroom already taken? Maybe passing out in a booth was somehow more embarrassing.

Unfortunately for him, a night of getting trashed took a literal turn when the dumpster was picked up by a garbage truck, which promptly dumped Gilpatrick inside and twice attempted to compact the load of trash.

This is impressive. Gilpatrick skipped right past creepily hitting on a hot girl, sloppily making out with a fat girl, puking in the bar’s bathroom sink, resuming sloppy fat make out, pissing himself, getting in a verbal and/or physical altercation with a bouncer, and went straight to almost dying.

Well actually, he could’ve done all that other stuff too. You’ve got to be pretty shithammered drunk to make “Sleeping in a Dumpster” your first option. Although this did occur in Portland, Oregon. Maybe Gilpatrick assumed that some kindly dumpster divers would wake him in the morning before the garbage trucks came.

Regardless, you have to be a pretty terrible drunk find yourself staring down death in the form of a garbage truck. There are only two types of people who are crushed to death by a garbage truck.

1) Unfortunate victims of a doll possessed by the spirit of a serial killer.

2) Really, really, REALLY drunk homeless people. Like the kind of hobos that even other hobos make fun of.

According to reports, Gilpatrick was stuck in the garbage truck for a short while after being initially dumped in. It wasn’t until the driver pulled into a shopping mall and heard Gilpatrick’s screams of “HELP! HELP! I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS ALL SOMEHOW WENT WRONG,” that he realized someone was inside his truck.

Gilpatrick miraculously suffered only minor injuries and was released from the hospital not long after being admitted. Apparently Gilpatrick then did what any 20-something would do and took to his Facebook page to post a status about the incident.

“I have not had a drink in years and the one time I do this I what happens. I will never drink again.”

Probably a good idea, champ, lest you decide to take a quick booze snooze in a wood chipper.

• [via Yahoo!]

[h/t to Fratsolutely]