Those Intramural Guys in Every Fraternity

And I bet you thought the brothers had killed me off by now. No chance fuckers, though I have been a little busy lately dealing with a fresh batch of IFC sanctions.

The Talentless Hustler

This kid…well at least this kid tries. He hasn’t quite been blessed with the same athletic prowess as his peers, but that doesn’t stop him from showing up to every single intramural game, two hours early, to start scouting opposing teams.

What this kid lacks in important sports qualities like talent and athleticism, he makes up for (somewhat) with sheer determination. He might not make the game-winning shot, or any shot whatsoever for that matter, but you can’t exactly tell him “No” because he’s the only one who didn’t drink excessively the night before, and thus the only one with the motivation to make hustle plays.

His crowning intramural achievement is usually something like a basketball game his sophomore year, when he took not one, but two charges. He’s probably a blocker on your flag football team, due to the simplicity of his responsibilities “Just shut up and get in the fucking way!”. He may been seen as the bitch of intramurals, and he most likely is. But at least he shows up, and that’s more than we can say about…

The Inconsistent All Star

You don’t know what it is about this kid, he’s just damn good at what he does. This kid was an all star at his sport of choice in high school, and is exactly what your team needs to succeed.

There’s only one problem: this motherfucker hardly ever shows up. His phone mysteriously shuts off an hour before game time, and after a crushing defeat you most typically will see him drunkenly stumbling around the fraternity house, saying he “totally forgot about it.”

We all know the truth here though. This kid has shifted his focus from his former sport of choice to the non-existent Intramural Drinking season (wouldn’t that be great). The best option for the Inconsistent All Star is to do your best to hide any alcohol in the house come playoff time. Also, a promise of a victory handle of Jameson is sure to pique his alcoholic tendencies.

The Ringer

Okay, so maybe this guy isn’t in EVERY fraternity. For that matter he isn’t in ANY fraternity per se, but that doesn’t stop your chapter from illegally putting him on the roster to bolster your team full of perma-drunks.

This kid is typically the “friend of a friend” who just so happens to play on one of your school’s club teams. He never quite got around to rushing, but that doesn’t mean you can’t “borrow” his athletic talents come playoff time.

If your chapter is going to implement a ringer, at least try to make him look believable. I don’t think anyone will be fooled by a team full of spanish speakers donning a KA jersey for the soccer championships.

The Veteran

This guy has seen it all. From the legendary championship push in ‘07, all the way to the 4th and 22 scandal of last semester, he’s not only been there, he’s been on the field.

This character is usually a grad student who still finds endless joy in physically dominating his much younger peers in any and all intramurals. During his tenure he has crafted the perfect angled softball pitch, the devastating two-quarterback option system, and the run-and-shoot basketball offense that leaves hungover brothers painfully reviewing their last meal on the sidelines.

His legacy in your house is obvious, but he’ll never be satisfied until you attain that All-Intramural cup. There is a significant likelihood he will somehow avoid graduation until that championship is secured.

The Obscure Sports Guru

You’re not sure why, but this guy seems to be an expert at all of the obscure intramural sports that no one else wanted to play. His racquetball backhand screams with the intensity of the Free Bird solo. His dodgeball throw curves perfectly into the face of his target. Water Polo? Forget about it, this guy can tread water for days.

If the “Obscure Sports Quarterly” magazine in the movie “Dodgeball” were a real publication, he wouldn’t just be a subscriber, he would be their Summer intern on assignment covering the Southeastern Regional Intermediate Croquet Championships.

While he may not contribute to the “real” intramural sports, there’s no denying his benefit to the house, as his Fraternity Bowling Championship trophy clearly demonstrates. Besides, hell, somebody has to show up to all those shitty sports.

    1. BOSSHOG1869

      Take a fucking hike, not a lap. Pike hasn’t been, and never will be first in anything. Pull out of Pike, prove they don’t have brotherhood, maybe Sigma Chi will be obliged to take you after that. Fuck you and fuck Pike.

      12 years ago at 2:56 pm
    2. lieutenant blackout

      fuck sigma chi. those guys love to IN HOC loads into each others asses. sigma chi at montana are the worst.

      12 years ago at 3:16 pm
    3. BOSSHOG1869

      What is it with everyone using ‘frat’ as slang? As long as I’ve known and those before me, it’s been refereed to by fraternity men as a ‘Fraternity’. God knows I don’t need to use the country:cunt analogy; just get it through your fucking head not posy anymore, or just go ahead and change your godforsaken name. I hope every want-to-be fraternity kid looking at this site notices how loathed your shit ‘frat’ and its’ chapter is.

      12 years ago at 12:21 am
    4. grandfrat

      ^sir, you do realize the name of the site you are currently on, and took time out to populate an identity is in fact called total FRAT move…

      I’m sorry, I’m chocking on the irony… .hey freetoFRAT got a Natty bro

      12 years ago at 4:30 am
    5. PhiPhi_InYourEye

      ^^Sig guy is a dumbass. Your FRAT sucks, and so do you. How high does the eagle fly? Much higher than a sigma chi.. But probably not higher than those yetis you sleep with.. and by high I mean roofied. Bitch frat roofieing ugly chicks-TSigmaChiM

      12 years ago at 11:51 am
    6. PhiPhi_InYourEye

      Because no one would have been able to translate it into English before putting it on the internet, right? Take a lap.

      12 years ago at 4:37 pm
    7. anon7472974648

      ^Think about the validity of the “Praise King Arthur” story, and take a lap.

      12 years ago at 4:44 pm
    8. PhiPhi_InYourEye

      My roommate went Sig. I know the grip, meaning of In Hoc, bits and pieces of your ritual, and yes the Eagle bit as well. Whereas Pikes don’t just reveal secrets to everyone (which leads people to come up with People Protecting King Arthur for PPKA – a completely ridiculous idea with him being dead and all), Sigs seem to care less about their secrecy after your ritual was posted so freely. The lap is back to you.

      12 years ago at 2:10 pm
    9. Jon M Fratsman

      Phi Phi – You have just demonstrated by your comments on this thread that you literally know nothing about my fraternity. You don’t know our grip, In Hoc Signo Vinces is not a secret motto, and you most certainly don’t know my Ritual or you would know that the eagle part hasn’t been in it for decades. I don’t know where the fuck your unnatural and slightly creepy obsession with trashing my fraternity came from, but I’m gonna go ahead and postulate that you did not receive a bid. Thank God.

      12 years ago at 3:56 pm
    10. Wait! You know what In Hoc means?! Shit there goes all of our secrets boys, better deactivate! Shut up, Phi Phi

      12 years ago at 4:11 pm
    1. Success

      You chose the name CanFRATada and you’re bitching about the use of Frat? Start running yourself.

      12 years ago at 1:10 pm
    2. CanFRATada

      ^No, but I’d call your mother a cunt. I’d call my country the best motherfuckin’ country in the world. Want to know why nobody fucks with Canada? Look back at 1812.

      12 years ago at 2:46 pm
    3. FratopianWetDream

      ^canada is NF as fuck. You all helped us in WWII a bit, which I do respect, but we still would have made it to Berlin without you all. Up in canada, everyone smokes fucking weed. Nothing else. Your beer is shitty, the food’s awful, and the television fucking SUCKS. Go play some hockey or something. “I’d call your mother a cunt.” << Such a fucking classic thing for a canadian to say, hahahaha.

      12 years ago at 5:04 pm
    4. anon7472974648

      ^Settle down, try-hards. America’s hat is pretty damn cool. Toronto is one of the greatest cities in the world, British Columbia is gorgeous, Windsor has great gambling, Labatts and Molson are phenomenal, Calgary was where the Jamaican Bobsled Team inspired a great movie, and hockey, though it’s not for everyone, is an amazing sport.

      12 years ago at 5:13 pm
    5. SPECOA

      Although I agree with you on most points, Canadian beer isn’t actually that bad. Try Steam Whistle or Rickard’s Red if you’re ever in Toronto. I spent a week there as part of my internship last summer.

      12 years ago at 9:34 pm
    1. facez

      ^ You’re an idiot. You’d probably drown if you ever tried to play Water Polo. R0ll_Tide, I’m with you. Frat on.

      12 years ago at 2:11 pm
    1. PhiPhi_InYourEye

      ^Again, no one gives a fuck about Sigma Chi. They are also covered under “The Talentless Hustlers”

      12 years ago at 11:53 am
    2. shooter 1855

      Calling out a fraternity that wasn’t even mentioned? You obviously did not get a bid.

      12 years ago at 3:20 pm
    3. PhiPhi_InYourEye

      ^Swing and a miss. BROSSHOG1869 is a member of the formerly mentioned shit fraternity, and this has been going on in other posts. Take a lap.

      12 years ago at 4:36 pm
    1. Lasalle_and_Jackson

      Pretty sure that’s Jay Cutler and he’s definitely a bro, not a queer. KSig on the other hand…

      12 years ago at 12:49 pm
    2. Keepin it Fratty

      I don’t know about y’all, but if being paid something like 12 million a year to slam Kristin cavallari, party his ass off, and truly not care about his stats or the haters isn’t fratty, I don’t know what is. Jay Cutler. FaF.

      12 years ago at 10:04 am
  1. Lumberjack Frat

    The “All-American”:
    This guys speaks nothing but his own glory in his sport of choice. He started on varsity in 8th grade, was All-state every year, and got recruited by every school in the SEC but it just “didn’t work out”. Sadly, when it comes down to it, this guy is a bold-faced liar. Not only does he suck, but he refuses to believe he sucks and makes the entire Fraternity look like shit by arguing his greatness at every opportunity.

    12 years ago at 12:21 pm
    1. grandfrat

      yeah, I was shit-talker… i held that title with a distinct honor and great pride.. true story

      12 years ago at 11:34 pm