Throwback Thursday – Countdown To Graduation: Always Be Closing

Today’s Throwback Thursday looks back to a popular motivational piece from last year for graduating seniors.

For every senior: it’s crunch time. You’ve been hitting frat-stride for a while, living the fucking dream, and praying to God that you somehow lose the genetic intelligence you’ve been graced with in order to fail a class or two and elongate your stay in school. The law of nature remains: all good things must come to an end. It’s time to accept the fact that you’re mere months away from moving on to the next stage of life. Do not be afraid. This does not change anything. For us, when one good thing comes to an end, another good thing begins. Your entire life has been building to ensure that you’re completely set for this transition, and have little to worry about. You have one responsibility: rage harder during your closing weeks of school than any goddamn independent could ever imagine.

There is an old saying: “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” Fuck that. At this point you should never, ever be making anything yourself. You’re about to be a fucking graduate. In these closing moments, make sure that pledges and slampieces make you shit tons of proverbial lemonade. Proceed to chug said lemonade. Show the rest of campus what makes you better than them. Raw dog some randos. Chug disturbing amounts of alcohol and rage in unjustified manners. Throw up at the bar, and then order another fucking drink. This is America, and it’s your turn to let the entire world know why you’re an irreplaceable part of the greatest country ever. Lastly, always be closing. Always be closing on that next piece of ass, that next fucking dollar, that next moment of glory that keeps you one step ahead of the rest of the world. Always be closing on your personal piece of the American fucking dream, and then demand seconds.

  1. EtonClubs

    Why does it seem like every columnist not named Bacon or Dorm feels the need to use the word “proverbial” in EVERY GOD DAMN ARTICLE

    12 years ago at 11:40 pm
  2. wertywerty

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    12 years ago at 9:01 pm