Throwback Thursday: Divorce Between Conservatives and Liberals

Here’s an old chain email outlining a “divorce agreement” between the Conservatives and Liberals in the United States. It sounds pretty fair.



Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al: We have stuck together since the late 1950’s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

–Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

–We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.

–You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.–Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.

–We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.

–You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.

–We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.

–You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.

–We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and rednecks.

–We’ll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

–You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.

–You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.

–We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.

–You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

–We’ll keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find.

–You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.

–We’ll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.

–We’ll keep “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and “The National Anthem.”

–I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute “Imagine”, “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing”, “Kum Ba Ya” or “We Are the World”.

–We’ll practice trickle-down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

–Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin & Charlie Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & ( Hanoi ) Jane Fonda with you.

P.S.S. And you won’t have to press 1 for English when you call our country.


  1. Buckley

    When did TFM columns start resembling late 90s conservative chain e-mails? This is fucking retarded.

    13 years ago at 4:16 pm
  2. Frat Force

    W’e’ll also take the MLB, NFL, and certain college programs based on location and reputation. You can keep the MLS, NBA, and all those we don’t want. We’ll even toss you Boise State. We’re tired of their constant whining for attention.

    13 years ago at 4:20 pm
    1. FratService

      MLB is exempt from Antitrust laws allowed by the government along with other liberal companies. They can take the MLB along with you, Frat Force.

      13 years ago at 4:35 pm
    2. War Damn America

      I’m pretty sure managing to have an exemption to anti-trust law is pretty faf. Every company’s goal is to basically be a monopoly so I fail to see how MLB is in anyway nf.

      13 years ago at 10:37 am
  3. FratOnBro

    This is the 2nd best thing I’ve ever laid eyes on. Right behind the Bible. Which I keep right beside my guns.

    13 years ago at 4:51 pm
    1. Pop and locksmith

      naw dude try more, I’m not convinced you’re a right-wing fraternity man yet

      13 years ago at 8:58 pm
    1. FratOnBro

      His foreign policy, along with all of his other standpoints, teeter back and forth of stupidity and insanity.

      13 years ago at 4:58 pm
    2. FrattingInSoIll

      He is America’s only hope. Except, of course, for the TRUE 1%, which in all reality, have probably never bothered with this website.

      I would also add that Ron Paul gets more funding from active duty military men and women than any other candidate. So, support our troops = support Ron Paul. You support our troops, right?

      13 years ago at 8:47 pm
    3. FratOnBro

      ^You, sir, are an idiot. He’s a nut case. And he doesn’t support the war. My bet’s on Santorum or Newt.

      13 years ago at 10:08 pm
    4. better_than_you

      Fratonbro, thats exactly what im saying. I was commenting to Frattininsolll, who apparently is Ron Pauls biggest fan. Im all for who can beat obama, rather newt, santorum, or Perry….but not ron paul….hes just fucking nuts.

      13 years ago at 10:54 pm
    5. FrattingInSoIll

      Ron Paul doesn’t support the war, he supports the troops, who ironically do NOT support the war(s). If you wanna beat Obama, you gotta challenge the status quo. Ron Paul is really the most conservative candidate, honestly, if you know anything about true conservatism, which sometimes interferes with modern day republican ideology. And I’m sorry, but Santorum and Gingrich will be gone before Florida, Romney will win the nomination, and now that Obama has created this “Obama Doctrine”, Ron Paul will most likely not run a 3rd party campaign. Heard it here first.

      13 years ago at 11:07 pm
    6. west is best

      I hope you to rooting for newt realize he’s done already. Santorum has all the religious nuts in his pocket, Romney is running a bash Newt campaign that obviously worked if you looked at the results in Iowa ( 25% Romney 25% Santorum 21 % Paul….. 13% Gingrich). Romney is gonna win the nomination and inevitably lose to Obama. Paul is the only one who could win against Obama because like you said he doesn’t support the war which will be attractive to liberals and his economic policys are miles ahead of every other candidate.

      13 years ago at 11:27 pm
    7. GloryGlory

      No moderate or down-to-earth conservative would ever vote for Ron Paul in the general election. He is the least electable out of all the candidates, though he may be smarter than most. Huntsman and Romney are the only two who could actually beat Obama. On a side note, he is a nut case. Tribesman, you hit the nail on the head with this one. Frat on.

      13 years ago at 8:20 am
    1. AlphaWolf

      Stop trying to make a name for yourself. That’s a half witted name a GDI with down syndrome could have come up with you fucking troll.

      13 years ago at 8:15 pm
    2. FrattingInSoIll

      you would have been black balled a long time ago. You are the pledge I never even cared to learn his name, not to even mention shake your hand; still, I definitely would have paddled you the hardest.

      13 years ago at 8:50 pm