Throwback Thursday: Reliving Lax Bro Classics

As we all know, different regions of the country have refined their own unique versions of fraternity culture over the years. The South maintains a rather straight-laced, traditional vibe. The West Coast has embraced hair products, tank tops, and working out. The East Coast has a reputation for unabashedly preppy WASPyness. But somewhere along the way a subspecies hybrid with extreme levels of TFTC emerged. They sleep with their spoons, refuse to cut their flow, and still wear their middle school lacrosse jerseys. They are lax bros, and something about them is fucking hilarious.

Their demeanor is one of a slightly retarded crossbreed between surfers and headbangers, and they are really into Wayne’s World-esque humor. Every single one of them acts like that one guy you know that smoked way too much and never came back from Dumbass Land. Their reaction time to everything is only slightly quicker than what is required to earn a handicapped parking pass. Over the years, several cult classic comedy videos have surfaced as a result of their movement, and today we acknowledge some of the favorites.

Brantford Winstonworth: The Ultimate Lax Bro

Brantford is very affluent, but he only got into his school because his grandpa donated half the buildings, and his nasally voice screams “I’m overtly white.”

“People tell me, ‘Hey Brantford, what’s the deal with your outfit? Why you always gotta wear turf dogs, mid-calves, nice shorts, and a lax penny with croakies and a sweet pair of shades?'”

Ultimate Lax Bro II: “The Official Visit”

In this second installment of Ultimate Lax Bro, Brantford has his official visit to Syracuse, hits a fraternity party with Bert the Broker, and introduces the world to the term NARP: Non-Athlete Regular Person.

It should be noted that at the 1:17 mark he has a display comprised of PBR and “Point Break” on DVD.

The Flowbucket and Con Bro Chill

Now things are going to take a disturbing turn. A less chill, more intense version of the laxer known as Con Bro Chill introduces himself. If Malibu from American Gladiators fucked Wayne Campbell from Wayne’s World, their offspring would be Con Bro Chill. He says, “gnar” pretty often and might be on blow.

Fuck it. Let’s include Malibu so you can see the similarities for yourself:

To close out the column, here is Con Bro Chill’s smash hit single “Come to My Party.” I don’t give a fuck how NF he is. This video has leprechauns, boats, and favorable ratios.

Con Bro Chill- Come to My Party

  1. Fratstar Runner

    Not a bad article. I’m sick and tired of people on this site saying how anything that’s not “southern fratty” is NF. Yes the south rages harder than anybody else, but that doesn’t mean that everyone else sucks.

    9 years ago at 1:06 pm
    1. Fratstar Runner

      How actually? People on here act like the Big 10 has shitty greek life, even though their greek life controls their schools almost as much, if not more than SEC schools.

      9 years ago at 1:17 pm
    2. Bob Barker is my bro

      As long as the school is in America and your house doesn’t wear cargo shirts I say frat on regardless of how you rage.

      9 years ago at 1:20 pm
    3. The Golden Fleece

      The contention was not the South. What is being brought to hand are the mutant breed called “lax bros,” which after much dispute since TFM’s inception, has been deemed by and large NF.

      9 years ago at 2:15 pm
    4. Constantine Chapter

      The South is the best for a number of reasons, chivalry, values, ideals, respect, tradition, pride, and belles.

      9 years ago at 2:54 pm
    5. fromthenorth

      As a lacrosse player, I’ll be the first to tell you that lax bros suck. They give the sport a bad name and it pisses me off.

      9 years ago at 3:32 pm
    6. GQ McGee

      Hey, Constantine, your fraternity was founded in the North. Show some fucking respect.

      9 years ago at 6:38 pm
    7. CandC

      Constantine, the fact that you believe that a person in the south automatically has better morals and are somehow better people than a fratter from another area is beyond stupid.

      Not to mention the Machis were founded in the north so that makes you even dumber.

      9 years ago at 8:19 pm
    8. PassTheScotch

      The Constantine Chapter was the chapter created by a group of Confederate officers to maintain Sigma Chi in the Confederacy during the Civil War. So, subliminally you are the stupid ones and he is correct in regards to his name.

      9 years ago at 8:14 am
    9. The Piker

      Do you know what subliminally means? I don’t think any of those thoughts were above the threshold of conscious perception. You are an idiot for using that word out of context.

      9 years ago at 8:24 am
    10. Constantine Chapter

      You would you Fa660t…you should put your head in a log chain, hook up to a truck, and do a few victory laps Matthew Sheppard style

      9 years ago at 1:14 pm
    11. The Piker

      This kid wants to put his mouth on my penis sooooo bad. How hard do you want to be mouthfucked? I bet you want it real hard, with some analbeads involved, right? You are so fucking gay. Its really unbelievable how dirty and gay you really are.

      9 years ago at 1:28 pm
    12. fraternize

      ^the gay sexual tension between constantine and piker is making me uncomfortable

      9 years ago at 11:58 pm
    1. Because its FaF

      Why are the police outside!? They should be inside! Looking at fingerprints!!

      9 years ago at 3:22 pm
    2. Chet Chazworth

      You’re just so pumped to be with the bros. Everyone is cheering. You’re so excited. You don’t even realize “I just gave these guys 4 blowjobs”

      9 years ago at 3:34 pm
    3. Year Around Frat

      “You tell chad…””There is no chad””WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE”S NO CHAD!!!”

      9 years ago at 5:46 pm
  2. El Duderino

    thank you for this. anyone who thinks lacrosse isnt FaF is a fucking twat.

    9 years ago at 1:16 pm
    1. Palmetto Tree

      Lacrosse is FaF. Lax Bro is NF. The kids who think it’s gay either don’t play a sport at all or can’t afford to play.

      9 years ago at 3:31 pm
    2. FratwallJackson

      So, you’re saying that I play golf instead of Lacrosse because I am not wealthy enough to afford to the sport? Interesting.

      9 years ago at 9:54 am
    3. The Golden Fleece

      The Native Americans who invented the sport were loaded with money, and smallpox blankets.

      9 years ago at 8:43 am
    4. KappaSigGT

      New York and new school lax guys/lax bros are absolutely NF. Old school lax guys, mainly from Maryland, generally FaF.

      9 years ago at 12:13 pm
    1. FrattyMcFrat

      Con Bro Chill is the epitome of GDI and everything that’s wrong with the “lax bro” culture. Lax bros are one of the downsides of the game exploding the way it has. And before people jump all over me, I know full well that there’s a huge difference between being a lacrosse player and a lax bro.

      9 years ago at 3:20 pm