Total Frat Spring Break Destinations Part 1

Mid-February can only mean one thing. I’m not talking about the inevitable exams, or that bullshit greeting card holiday on the 14th. While some people give these trivial matters underserved attention, we as fraternity gentlemen are far more focused on the future. Spring Break Shitshow 2012 is only a few short weeks away. Hopefully you’ve planned your trip by now, but if not I’m here to help. What follows are a few of the best (read: GDI avoidance) destinations for a Spring Break you’ll barely be able to remember.

Key West

If you want a week filled with sunshine, beautiful sorority women everywhere you turn, and enough wet t-shirt contests to make any sorority’s Standards Chair faint, Key West is the Freebird solo to your drunken ears. It is by far the premiere Spring Break destination in my home state of Florida, and I can personally assure you that no other Spring Break celebration in the Sunshine State comes close to what occurs at our country’s southernmost point (fuck Hawaii, they don’t count).

While places like Panama City and Daytona Beach will be crawling with meathead Yankees, Key West maintains its position as the classiest Floridian outlet for your typical Whiskey funneling fratstar ways with the highest Greek attendance.

The only potential downside of Key West is the rainbow-donning “civil union” crowd that tends to turn up. It’s usually a good idea to scan the scene at the bar before you decide to post up. Chances are if you see two dudes in Lady Gaga outfits groping each other in the corner, you’re at the wrong place.


It doesn’t have to be Cinco de Mayo for you to pretend to give a shit about Mexico. Spring Break is a completely acceptable excuse as well. Sure, it probably isn’t safe to drink the tap water, and I wouldn’t wander around alone because of the off chance that you could get kidnapped and be forced to become a drug mule by one of the cartels (hey at least you get free drugs). Mexico, despite its downsides, can easily lead to some of the most ridiculous times of your life.

Cancun and Puerto Vallarta are the prime destinations, as the Mexican Government actually makes an effort to make these cities presentable to tourists. If you go anywhere else, I’m going to find it extremely hard to feel bad for you when you come back with Typhoid Fever or an 8-inch face scar from a knife fight.

Cleanliness and lack of government aside, Mexico offers some amazing potential Spring Break opportunities. The women are beautiful, and you can always count on meeting a few West Coast sorority girls, whose attractiveness is only outweighed by the number of zeroes in their bank accounts. If you’re really lucky you’ll have the same Spring Break as Arizona State, and you’ll be fucking set.


Everyone’s favorite series of “Almost American” islands, the Bahamas (and the 394 SeƱor Frogs restaurants that inhabit them) are home to more forgotten drunken nights than a date rape convention. If you want to taste of the foreign debauchery of Mexico with a slightly cleaner exterior, chances are a cruise down the Bahamas is your best bet.

While a few people fly in and exclusively party in the Bahamas, many visitors instead choose to arrive via cruise ship. And why wouldn’t you? A cruise is a perfect excuse to eat as much delicious food as possible, drink unhealthy amounts with little to no risk of consequence, and channel your inner Wilt Chamberlain in the casual sex department. Sounds like damn near the perfect setup to me.

The Bahamas has an extremely rich history, and you can get a great taste of the local culture at the marketplaces. But this is Spring Break, so you could give a quarter of a shit. Your main concern should be what beach to position yourself on, and which duty-free liquor is going to make you incapable of feeling emotions or pain that night.

That’s it for Part 1 gentlemen. Think I missed something? Yell at me about it in the comments and I’ll be sure to toss it into Part 2.

    1. SEC Gameday Drunk

      im pretty sure ive all ready gr4inded my teeth to pecies and yeah. ulrta music festivallll. you dont know what your talking about ive you hsvent been.

      12 years ago at 3:02 am
    2. grandfrat

      ^ keep frattin’, not sure what you are drinking right now, but I think you need another

      12 years ago at 4:04 am
  1. carolinahaze

    Had a blast on spring break in Aruba a few years ago. Banged this blonde chick named Natalee. Wonder what she’s up to these days…..

    12 years ago at 6:17 pm
    1. better_than_you

      All these are spot on, and yet you know some HS parents will try and be “cool” and let their daughter go there and well have this whole mess all over.

      12 years ago at 11:28 pm
    1. grandfrat

      Abasin, Boulder, Keystone, Vail – by far best SB ever… should I tell you more of my cool story?

      12 years ago at 4:10 am
    2. brostock

      glory, there are definitely places that stay warm all year round. Hawaii is a prime example.

      12 years ago at 11:33 am
    1. better_than_you

      ^This. Shores and OB are FAF. And you got the Hangout andFlorabama right down the road and no geeds on the beach cause they cant afford it

      12 years ago at 11:39 pm
    2. Patches BROHoulihan

      Ill be looking down on that beach from my penthouse condo in a couple weeks.

      12 years ago at 2:36 pm
    3. N Fratgate Taylor

      This is my first year going to Gulf Shores. I’ve heard a lot of mixed reviews, usually we do all bro’s and bang rando’s (which is usually ruined by a dumbfuck that brings his girlfriend, but whatever)…but I heard in gulf shores you have to bring “sand to the beach” which wouldn’t be a problem, however, spring break rando’s is what I live for. March 10-17th

      12 years ago at 12:43 pm
    1. ags55

      not only is havasu a college spring break destination, but SWAT just knows how to put together some damn good events in general.

      12 years ago at 7:40 pm
  2. TheCommodore

    I’m going to Cancun, I want an 8 inch face scar, preferably over my eye like a villain. If any of you are going there, keep an eye out for me, I’ll be the white guy in a bathing suit, pinnie, and a backwards hat.

    12 years ago at 7:00 pm