Total Frat Thanksgiving Moves

Jared Borislow9 years ago

Like most legitimate institutions of higher learning, my beloved DeVry University doesn’t have Fall Break. Unlike most legitimate institutions of higher learning, that’s because, at DeVry, every day is a break. That’s how TFTC we are. You know that feeling of relaxation and elation you get when you finish your last day of class before heading home for a break? I get that feeling during class, because I’m already home. On any given school day, you’ll find me with my online class open in one tab, the Vineyard Vines homepage open in another, eating Cheetos and touching myself using the two-hand butter churn grip with the vigor and determination of an Amish boy who just came back from Rumspringa and decided that, despite the beauty and intricacies of 21st century technology, the Amish life is the one for him.

Because every day is a break, I’ve got to act way frat even when I’m on an actual, official break. There’s no taking a break from taking a break for me. It’s a lot of pressure, really. DeVry gives its students time off for Thanksgiving, so while you’re at home eating Thanksgiving dinner and trying to determine whether or not your marginally attractive cousin is hitting on you when she asks you to pass the cornbread muffins (pro tip: she is), I’m still on the clock.

Want to be like me this Thanksgiving Break? Here are 19 Total Frat Thanksgiving Moves you can try out.

1. Insisting that Obama’s pardoning of a turkey is part of the liberal agenda. TFTM.
2. Referring to every dinner table you aren’t sitting at as the “kid’s table.” TFTM.
3. Asking your marginally attractive cousin if she wants her cornbread muffin buttered and then winking at her. TFTM.
4. Refusing to consume any corn that’s not distilled. TFTM.
5. Being thankful for the Native Americans’ naiveté. TFTM.
6. Showing up hungover to your local Thanksgiving morning run-walk and puking mid-race. TFTTC.
7. Winning the wishbone battle against your adolescent brother and then loudly announcing you’re using your wish to wish he wasn’t such a fucking pussy. TFTM.
8. Asking your marginally attractive cousin if she needs some stuffing and then winking at her. TFTM.
9. Betting all the money you were going to spend on Christmas presents for your family on Jay Cutler to throw for seven hundo and five tuddys. TFTM.
10. Bringing a Tinder match to Thanksgiving dinner. TFTM.
11. Remarking that the turkey is into butt stuff as you eat the stuffing out of its butt. TFTM.
12. Teaching your mom proper fisting techniques for her to use when she disembowels the turkey. RFTM.
13. Giving thanks for Brooks Brothers. TFTM.
14. Asking your marginally attractive cousin if you can taste her pie and then winking at her. TFTM.
15. Eating like it’s Thanksgiving. Dressing like it’s Easter. TFTM.
16. Using your baby cousin’s sippy cup as a spitter. TFTM.
17. Getting mad at your mom for making such a big dinner because formal is coming up, and it’s cutting season. TFTM.
18. “Turkey baster? I barely know her!!!” TFTM.
19. Hooking up with your marginally attractive cousin and Tinder match at the same time and referring to your Thanksgiving three-way as a “TURDucken.” It’s a TFTM. #BUTTSTUFF2014.

This column was originally published on November 26, 2014.