‘Twas The Night Before Gameday
Twas the night before Gameday, and all day through the school,
Not a class was attended, except by the fools.
The pallets were stacked in the frat house with care,
In hopes the first victory soon would be theirs.
My brothers were nestled, but not in their beds,
Off shacking with slores, who I’ve heard give great head.
With my slampiece in the loft, I deleted her number,
And layed down my head for a post-orgasmic slumber.
When out of my window there arose such a clatter,
Either some homeless or drunk guys, I hoped for the latter.
Away to the window I drunkenly jolted,
When the crowd that I saw left me truly revolted.
The moon, through the clouds, on the fresh summer’s grass,
Made seeing them clearly a difficult task.
I rubbed my eyes once, and again for good measure,
But the figures remained, to my displeasure.
With a PVC tent and some hideous colors,
I knew right away they were fuckers of mothers.
Though it was early, voices proved why they came,
With hopes of defeating my team in the game.
“Now Bubba! now, Bobby! Now Betty Joe Sue!
On, Cleatus! On, John Boy! And Chester you too!
Let’s pitch this here tent and crack open the ‘shine.
Fire up the grill, and I’ll get the boxed wine.”
While I was impressed with their 4AM start,
of the Gameday tradition I hold deep in my heart,
The noise, and the flags, and their accents so thick
Took me from annoyed, to angry, to borderline sick.
They were clad head-to-toe in all forms of denim,
As I stared from the window with my gaze full of venom
The leader, named T-Bone, with a shuffling look,
Caught sight of the window I chose as my nook.
For a long awkward moment, we let eye contact linger,
And I counted to one, but skipped my first finger.
I shot him the bird so aggressively true,
And followed with an aggressive and poignant “Fuck You!”
He was taken aback, but not for too long,
He returned my curse, twice as loud and as strong.
With a vengeful stare and a no dignity shed,
I prayed for lightning to strike his bald head.
For hours they partied, and played Freebird on loop.
In my restless state upon me came the urge to poop.
As I walked to the toilet, an idea came to light,
And I spent fifteen minutes with a paper bag held tight.
With the bag of feces, I poised and took aim,
Then pulled out a lighter to set it aflame.
With a twist of my arm and a flick of precision,
I confirmed that the shit-bag was an awesome decision.
They stomped out the fire, and it was revealed,
They were spreading pure excrement like their team on the field.
I exclaimed with a laugh, before I faded from sight,
“Happy Gameday you fuckers! Hope you have a good night!”.
first
12 years ago at 2:44 pmI’ve had better.
12 years ago at 2:44 pmMasterpiece
12 years ago at 2:46 pmThis is excellent.
12 years ago at 2:49 pm^I agree with This Fuckin Guy
12 years ago at 2:54 pm^^That Fucking Guy?
12 years ago at 3:30 pm^Yes, ^^^This Fuckin Guy
12 years ago at 3:37 pm^ I agree with these three guys. Agreeing with This Fuckin Guy. ^^^^
12 years ago at 11:56 amI agree with ^^,^^^, and ^^^^ but disagree with ^ for not being original
12 years ago at 5:59 amI don’t know about you fuckers, but I am popping 3/4 chub just thinking about tomorrow.
12 years ago at 2:53 pmFucking this^
12 years ago at 3:07 pm^^ If that’s all you get, you’ve announced your homosexuality.
12 years ago at 10:21 pmGreat column.
12 years ago at 2:58 pmPure gold.
12 years ago at 3:01 pmAgreed! Pure gold indeed
12 years ago at 10:30 amHilarious. It made this trip to Dallas seem shorter
12 years ago at 3:10 pmSee you there.. Go Blue!
12 years ago at 4:54 pmMay the best team win in Dallas. I love my Wolverines, but If Bama pulls it out, much respect.
12 years ago at 7:47 pm^ no way. they lost their starting running back (read: no running threat other than shoeless joe) and some defensive starter that probably doesnt matter as much as the former.
12 years ago at 12:22 am^great game and a great time. Roll Tide yall!
12 years ago at 3:52 pmI may be mistaken, but is this Poe? Actually, it may be Frost. Either way, beautifully written.
12 years ago at 3:17 pmIt actually brought a tear to my eye.
12 years ago at 5:09 pmWasn’t bad. I think the last line of the fourth stanza should read, “but the figures remained, much to my displeasure.” it fits the meter better in my far-from-humble opinion.
12 years ago at 10:50 pm^ Yeah, that would be the normal way to put it but in this instance it would have messed up the meter. I would also have liked to see, “Not a class was attended, except by the tools.”
12 years ago at 10:13 amHow long did that take, Dr. Suess?
12 years ago at 3:23 pmAbout the amount of time it took to wrap half a roll of duct tape around your little sister’s and mother’s respective faces and ass rape both of them side by side while whispering lyrics from Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” into their adhesively bonded heads.
12 years ago at 2:44 am^holy shit.
12 years ago at 1:16 pm^^ I am by no means a math major, but simply from experience… that takes about two hours and fifteen minutes.
12 years ago at 9:50 am^You must not be doing it right.
12 years ago at 8:37 pm^^ I’m no expert on [insert subject area] but [give advice on said area]. TFM.
12 years ago at 5:40 am^^ premature ejaculation during rape. NF
12 years ago at 9:00 am