Captured UVA Theta Chi Brother Issues Public Apology In North Korea

It was recently revealed that Otto Warmbier, a Theta Chi from the University of Virginia, was arrested in North Korea for allegedly stealing a political banner. He supposedly stole the propaganda poster — which probably depicted a butt naked Kimmy riding a unicorn as it pooped A-bombs on New York City — in order to join a secret society.

Side note: Homie better get initiated after this fiasco. Nabbing a sign from a dictatorship that hates America makes the Morningwood Drive sign you stole for your big brother look like child’s play.

Warmbier recently issued a public apology in front of North Korean officials. The statement is 100 percent forced. His remorse also appears to be feigned (or at least exaggerated).

How are the North Koreans so shitty at making a canned statement feel organic? Their PR skills are stranded on the launchpad right next to their rockets.

I do hope his treatment has been somewhat close to as humane as he says. But I doubt it. He’s probably strapped to a chair 24-7 with his eyes pried open Clockwork Orange-style, watching North K-Pop music videos on repeat (they’re just like regular K-Pop videos, but with a team of shirtless Kim Jon-uns dancing in unison and eating popsicles).

I’m not sure what the American government has done to help Warmbier. Hopefully the Hermit Kingdom will let him go after a few more failed attempts to convince the world how “humane” their treatment of foreign prisoners is. Here’s to a speedy and safe return home.

    1. Keep It Buttery

      Immaculate bullshitting on his part, too. That bow at the end? Icing on the cake. Hats off.

      8 years ago at 2:19 pm
      1. Strong F. Kennedy

        They were probably gonna execute him if they didn’t like his performance soooooo. Motivation

        8 years ago at 2:43 pm
  1. MillerLite

    It’s sad that getting this guy back from those animals has not been more of a priority. Screw them

    8 years ago at 2:13 pm
      1. Frabst

        We’re Americans. People can’t tell us where and where not to go. We’re like that one brother that can’t keep his dick out of everyone else’s girlfriends/sisters/moms. It’s in our blood.

        8 years ago at 2:23 pm
      2. SoPitted

        Really? Because never once have I been like, you know what sounds fun right now? North Korea.

        8 years ago at 3:10 pm
      3. Frabst

        You know what else doesn’t sound fun? Eating a dip dog, but we do it because it makes us better men.

        8 years ago at 3:24 pm
      4. SoPitted

        Honestly, he should of just went to dip dog instead. I wonder if he had to eat raw dog in that prison to survive.

        8 years ago at 3:42 pm
  2. McFrock

    Listen, I hate those commies as much as the next person and I realize that getting arrested for stealing a banner and forced to apologize to a country for PR reasons is very fucked up but that being said he shouldn’t have been going to North Korea, it’s just not a good idea.

    8 years ago at 2:26 pm
    1. Cdaddie

      Especially when he says “severe criminal, like myself” when talking about stealing a fucking banner.

      8 years ago at 2:35 pm
      1. 1_Rugey_Jentelman

        His behavior is as scripted as the apology – ominous to say the least.

        8 years ago at 3:36 pm
    2. Asian Guy

      I really feel bad for him. Sure he shouldn’t have tried to pull that stunt but being detained in a foreign country not knowing when/if you’ll ever be back to your family again will completely break you.

      8 years ago at 12:55 am
  3. Shut up Meg

    I bet obama came in the room afterwards, bowed and told North Korea he understands if that wasnt good enough for them.

    8 years ago at 2:43 pm
    1. Jackpittman

      Chances are this crime is completely fabricated so please go fuck yourself

      8 years ago at 3:00 pm