Watch These Hero Cops Take Down A Cyclist For Being A Dumbass Cyclist


“Share the road,” the cyclists say. “It’s ours too,” they argue, all upset that cars endanger them when they’re on the roads, somehow totally oblivious to the fact that the danger might actually be self-inflicted, considering that in any three-second span near an intersection a bicyclist is likely to weave between cars, run a stop sign, hop up onto the sidewalk and then back onto the street before considerably slowing down traffic while also breaking another five traffic laws. And all the while they’re completely unaware that they’re a wildly unnecessary, self-righteous nuisance, and that the only danger to themselves is themselves. (I mean, even if an accident isn’t technically their fault, if I willingly went jogging near a train and suffered a train related injury that was also not technically my fault, I’d still kind of deserve it.)

White bicycles on the side of the road illicit at best mixed emotions from me. “One less,” I often find myself thinking as I nod silently and appreciate the fact that there’s no one wobbling in front of my car, forcing me to drive 20 miles under the speed limit. The only way a city cyclist could find a more publicly inconvenient way to exercise is if they worked their upper-body by throwing rocks at cars. (Which, incidentally, is sort of an actual thing here in Austin.) And if that’s how they commute? Just invest in a Smart Car pass, asshole. You really think anyone wants to eat with you or do business with you while the entire back of your shirt is drenched, your ass is a post-Katrina ninth ward nightmare, and your scrotum is dripping like a broken faucet?

So all that said, seeing this cyclist in New York City taken down hard, pinned, and cuffed by New York’s finest for, fucking surprise, obliviously pedaling through traffic — in this case almost wandering out in front of President Obama’s motorcade — brings immeasurable joy to me. Especially because you know this “Share the road” dick hole was thinking the exact same thing every other cyclist thinks, “Oh, these rules are for cars. I’ll do what I want.”

A video posted by Matt (@mattpeco) on

Break out the nightsticks, guys. He’s white. No one will care. My only regret here is that they didn’t let him through so Obama’s RPG proof tank-limo could obliterate like a tomato pitched softly to Giancarlo Stanton.

I do not like cyclists.

[via Instagram]

  1. Henry_Eighth

    Hmm. Not sure this is the right time, considering 5 cyclists were run over and killed yesterday.

    8 years ago at 2:33 pm
  2. That drunk brother

    If you ride a bicycle during rush hour traffic you are easily the most selfish human being on the planet and should be violently beaten with your own helmet

    8 years ago at 2:44 pm
    1. Rob Fox

      The other day I saw parents bicycling with their kids through downtown Austin rush hour, at a time when the sun was low and, from certain directions, made visibility, even with sunglasses, terrible. Austin’s roads are small and its drivers are dogshit. I think like 130 people died in accidents here last year. All I could think was, “Anything that happens to your kids right now is basically on you no matter what, you assholes.”

      8 years ago at 3:01 pm
  3. JRad504

    Watch the Katrina stuff dumbfuck. People died down here and you just watched it on the news while your favorite uncle molested you.

    8 years ago at 3:22 pm
    1. BornProudRaisedProud1890

      Perhaps they shouldn’t have made their home in a coastal city below sea level. Perhaps they should have properly allocated government funding that they were given specifically to reinforce their levees. Failing that, perhaps they should have left New Orleans when the were made aware of the dangers Katrina posed. Perhaps they should have learned to swim.

      8 years ago at 3:57 pm
  4. Brotein Shake

    They did this to a brother riding through campus (dumbass didn’t know O was in town) but instead of stopping him, literally sent him through the back window of the secret service car. He spent the next two hours picking shards of glass out of his skin and learning why you don’t ride a bike on campus.

    8 years ago at 3:42 pm
  5. Beecher1843

    About a week ago I say a cyclists riding between the turn lane and the left lane. Not on either of the sidewalks that were on either side of the street. Not even on the shoulder. I would have run him over but I was trying to catch a movie and court dates are inconvenient. What the heck is it with cyclists and acting like they’re fucking cars?

    8 years ago at 3:42 pm
    1. Rock out with my frock out

      in some places it’s actually illegal for bikers to ride on the sidewalk.

      8 years ago at 4:22 pm
  6. iufratty

    I’m from a city that spends extra tax dollars on ASPHALT PAVED SIDEWALKS so cyclists literally have their own mini road and they still choose to ride on the road like the pricks they are. This makes me so happy to watch

    8 years ago at 4:36 pm