What To Get Your Girl For Christmas (Based On The Nature Of Your Relationship)
Hey man, are you currently feeling deeply conflicted and/or befuddled because you don’t know what to get your girl for Christmas? Or Kwanzaa? Or Hanukkah? Or Chanukah? Or Hannukah? Or Chanuka? Or Chanukkah? Or Hanuka? Or Channukah? Or Chanukka? Sorry about that; there’s a bunch of ways to spell Hanukkah and I wanted to make sure I included all of them lest I be (C)ha(n)nuk(k)a(h) shamed.
Well if you don’t know what you want to get your special lady friend for the holidays, have no fear — that’s why I’m here. I have recently constructed a definitive guide on what gifts you could choose to get for her, specifically based on what the nature of your relationship to them is. Okay, let’s break it down right now.
The platonic female friend that you’ve been trying to get in bed with
• Get a big box of magnum condoms and tell her it’s for the guy she’s currently seeing. If you see her after the holidays and it’s unopened, you know that either A) She’s not seeing anybody, or B) The guy she is seeing isn’t packing more heat than you.
• Get her a DVD of a romantic comedy where the characters start out as “just friends” (When Harry Met Sally, Manhattan, The Wedding Singer, Brokeback Mountain, The Human Centipede, etc.).
• Get her a mix CD (yup, we’re gonna go old school) of 20 to 25 tracks and every single song is “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye (with one “Just a Friend” by Biz Markie). A smooth and subtle way to drop the hint.
• Get her a terminally ill puppy that will die in roughly a week so you can be there to comfort her (don’t judge me; the puppy is gonna fucking die anyways. At least it’ll have a home for a week).
The “so we’re kinda casually dating but it’s not official or anything yet” girl
• You could get her an album from an independent artist to show that you hate labels.
• Buy her a book about George W. Bush and the Iraq War so you can put a note in it that says “unlike George W. Bush, I know how to pull out.”
• Danny Devito, to put in her pocket when you’re not around in case she needs someone to talk to.
• Give her the new Call Of Duty to show that you want to keep playing games with her.
The serious girlfriend
• Give her box that looks like it has an engagement ring in it but actually just contains a single Starburst (not an orange one, though; you’re not a fucking sociopath).
• Buy her a DVD of season 1 of the TV show The People v. O.J. Simpson to make her subconsciously question if she ever really wants marriage one day.
• Get her a coat hanger just in case a condom breaks one day (especially if it’s one of those magnums since it’s gonna slip off a lot).
• A box with Jimmy Fallon in it so there’s always someone there to laugh at her jokes.
The wife
• A divorce..
I haven’t said this in a while but you really are a worthless piece of dog shit and you should kill yourself.
8 years ago at 9:58 amPlease, we are begging, with tears in our eye. Stop writing and kill yourself.
8 years ago at 10:10 amWally, you should get yourself a lobotomy for Christmas
8 years ago at 10:12 amWally, if duels were still legal I would challenge you to a duel.
8 years ago at 10:14 amI think they still make Yu-Gi-Oh cards so you’re in luck
8 years ago at 10:52 amI’m still convinced that Wally is just an alias Dorn uses when he wants to piss us off.
8 years ago at 10:14 amTFM should give us better writers for Christmas
8 years ago at 10:21 amWally you should give yourself a bleach enema for Christmas.
8 years ago at 10:23 amAlso is this honestly what the site has come to? It’s fucking 11:25 on the east coast and this is the first ducking article up on a Wednesday? And you guys honestly expect to be anything? Fuck yourselves.
8 years ago at 10:24 amI mean, I’m honestly expecting an article on how fratty ducks are soon.
8 years ago at 11:19 amDucks are kind of cool if ya think
8 years ago at 11:26 amAbout it.
I mean, I wouldn’t be against having s little frat duck walking around the house.
8 years ago at 6:56 amWally has some issues to work out but I’m glad he’s not seeking help.
8 years ago at 10:46 amWally wtf man your last article wasn’t complete dog shit and you go on and barf up this shit stain? Cmon man
8 years ago at 10:47 amYou had to know it wouldn’t last.
8 years ago at 11:07 amI hope you get coal in your stocking
8 years ago at 10:51 amIs that code for having a black guy sodomize him?
8 years ago at 11:05 am