What Your College Syllabus Would Look Like If It Were Honest

Alex Buscemi9 years ago

Over the course of the semester, we will take an up-close and in-depth look at the broadest, most mundane aspects of a topic that has nothing to do with your major while expanding the mind through the memorization of key buzzwords like “trigger” and “synergy” and “eudaimonia.” Oh, and you better believe there’s gonna be a fuck-ton of Communication Models, too. So many Communication Models.

To provide you with severely limited insight into a potential career path through hands-on PowerPoints and YouTube videos.

To offer a personal touch only attainable in a lecture hall full of 500 students.

To leave you as uninspired and clueless as possible, forcing you to take a major you switch out of junior year so the university can milk four more semester of tuition out of your aching teats.

To indoctrinate you into the hive mind of guilt and PC culture with graphs depicting the gender wage gap and unemployment rates of minorities.

To teach you how to analyze the knowledge, skills, attributes, and tools necessary to take the $5,000 course fee and fuck yourself in the face with it.

For all examinations, students will be graded upon their ability to memorize, regurgitate, and forget.

Essays will be graded in strict accordance with the professor’s political and social opinions.*

*Course Note: If you are a fat girl who writes about the struggles of being a fat girl, you will receive an automatic “A.”

Class will meet Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays at 6 a.m.

Even though all the material can be found on the PowerPoints online, attendance will account for 50 percent of your overall grade (the egomaniac professor has all sorts of eye-opening team-building exercises that are just too important to miss).

Missing more than three classes will result in an automatic “F.”

To receive full class participation credit, students are expected to sit in the front of the room and chime in whenever possible — as long as their beliefs coincide with those of the instructor (see “grading”). Be sure to close your eyes while speaking like a smug turdnugget and include phrases like “per se” or “in a very real sense.”

Class will meet on the opposite side of campus in Room BCDR165342 of Sacagawea Hall, across the bridge that feces-throwing vagrant lives under.

Parking is available to all upperclassmen with blue stickers and green passes who were born in the Year of the Dog according to the Chinese Zodiac.

IOU has a zero-tolerance policy in regards to cheating.*

*Test banks, baby!

Deborah Waddle, PhD – Dean of Psychology/Sociology
Chair – Department of Gender Studies
Chair – Advisory Board
Chair – She needs a big one
Senior Consultant – Bowl Cuts Against The Patriarchy
Founder – Special Snowflake Society

“How To Become More Eco-Conscious” a 2,000 page book by Ira Nick

“The Most Expensive Book You Will Never Open” by Jack Goff*

“Nonsensical, Spiral-Bound Textbook Your Professor Wrote That No One Will Publish Except For Your University Because They’re Locked In Some Sort Of Tenure Agreement” by Deborah Waddle

*Course Notes: Costs $800 (but you can get it used for only $795!)

Each white male student will also be required to provide their own funnel for ease of shoving guilt down their throats.

Lubricant (optional)

Completion of 3 General Education courses

Ability to bend over and take it long and hard

Week 1 — Syllabus Day. No one comes, everyone is docked on participation

Week 2 – Diligent note taking

Week 3 – More diligent note taking, in-depth analysis of Dove commercials

Week 4 – Less-than-diligent note taking

Week 5 – Sleep at desk in back of lecture hall

SPRING BREAK

Week 6 – Stare at girl with big boobs

Week 7 – Sit next to girl with big boobs, flex while raising hand

Week 8 — Ask out girl with big boobs

Week 9 — Sit on other side of room as that ungrateful bitch

Week 10 – Final Exam

Week 11 – Community college enrollment.