What Your Facial Hair Says About You


It’s 2016 and facial hair seems to be all the rage. There are quadrillions of hipster douchebottle fuckfaces that walk around with pubes splattered on their faces thinking it’s a sensual fashion statement.

Now I’m not bashing facial hair, as I have it myself, but I’ve written a comprehensive guide on how to define yourself in relation to it. This is what your facial hair says about you

Beard: You’re either a serial killer disguised as a lumberjack or a lumberjack disguised as a serial killer.

Big, Bushy White Beard: You break into children’s houses to leave them toys, so you’re either Santa or a creepy criminal.

Five O’Clock Shadow: You’re a loose cannon badass cop who doesn’t play by the rules.

Peach Fuzz: You’re 11 and you just started growing facial hair so you refuse to shave it even though it’s disgusting.

Goatee: You make crystal meth in your aunt’s basement.

Soul Patch: You play bongos in smelly neighborhoods and wear sunglasses in the shade.

Neckbeard: You weigh 800 pounds and you spend 21 hours a day playing World Of Warcraft.

Mutton Chops: You’ve never experienced the warmth of a woman.

Mustache: There’s a 110% chance you’re a sexual predator.

Bushy Mustache: You’re either a pornstar from the ’70s or an Italian grandmother.

Fu Manchu: You’re about to lose a fight to Bruce Lee.

Blonde Mustache: You’re a racist cop.

Short And Thin Mustache: You’re about to invade Poland.

Twirly Mustache: You’re a douchey hipster who writes pretentious screenplays in organic coffeeshops.

Horseshoe Mustache: You’re either Hulk Hogan or you desperately want to be Hulk Hogan. In either case you’re a washed up, bloated assbag.

Chinstrap: When you fart it smells like crippling social anxiety.

Sideburns: You’re either Elvis, Wolverine, or a morbidly obese single father.

Clean-shaven: You read this stupid article and got needlessly insecure.

Image via Shutterstock

  1. Texas Tux and Oil

    I prefer the Whoopie Goldberg which is just a woman sitting on my face.

    8 years ago at 9:41 am
    1. RisingFratstarOfTX

      Ask and Ye shall recieve. Gentlemen, the one and only (thank Christ) Wally Bryton, the walking Fail Friday.

      8 years ago at 10:16 am
    1. FratShannon69

      I think that was the “invade Poland” facial hair, but I wasn’t a History major….

      8 years ago at 10:09 am
  2. UMaverick

    You always outdo yourself with how bad these articles are. At this point just bring back Steve Holt

    8 years ago at 9:53 am
  3. Fratty_Roosevelt

    Dan must let these people write as payback for us pointing out his love handles.

    8 years ago at 11:02 am