When A Website Commenter Swings Back

For those who visit the hilarious website Deadspin, you may be familiar with the series, Why Your Team Sucks by Drew Magary. In this series, Magary breaks down different NFL teams and explains to their fans/readers of the site, well, why their team sucks. In a recent column, it was the Vikings’ turn to feel the wrath of Magary’s keyboard. One reader, in particular, didn’t take very kindly to the piece. It was Vikings punter Chris Kluwe, and apparently he’s quite the wordsmith himself.

He submitted the following rebuttal to Deadspin, entitled, Why Your Website Sucks, By Minnesota Vikings Punter Chris Kluwe: A Rebuttal.

Enjoy:

“Some people are fans of Deadspin’s Why Your Team Sucks previews. But now the shoe’s on the other foot! Suck on this, you cocksuckers.

1. Drew Magary is a bloviating turkey tit. Let’s face it, every time Drew Magary decides to post something it’s an absolute guarantee that he’ll spend four paragraphs self-indulgently masturbating his ego with how many multi-syllable words he can fit into one sentence while making hyperbolic statements that would shame Baron von Münchausen. We get it Drew, you got high honors from the University of Phoenix Online. Now shut the fuck up so we can read something that doesn’t take five hours to finish.

2. The community of commentators gargles donkey dick. Every time I scroll down to the comments section of a Deadspin article I feel like I’ve just tuned into an episode of Sesame Street where The Count has suffered a debilitating stroke. “Plus one. Ha… ha… ha… Plus one. Ha… ha… ha… Plus one. ” What the hell are you paint-huffing work dodgers counting up to anyways? The number of times you can cram a fistful of Cheetohs into your slobbering gullet as you furiously masturbate to My Little Brony porn? The chance that you’ll die alone, sad and miserable, with only a legacy of failure and disgrace to mark all the perfectly good oxygen you wasted? Stop fucking counting. It’s giving me the creeps. Oh, and just a heads up: None of your witty comments are remotely witty. In fact, every time you post, the corpse of Samuel Clemens spins in his grave and screams, “YOU BUNCH OF STUPID FUCKS ARE RUINING AMERICA.”

3. Half of these goddamn articles are a complete waste of time. Like this. And this. And especially this. There’s absolutely no reason I should be forced to slog through this mind-numbing pageview padding when all I want to do is read about Adrian Peterson’s 15th rushing touchdown in a game, or how Christian Ponder just saved a convent full of nuns from dickzombies. You’re supposed to be reporting about sports, not some TMZ-type garbage that would make Ryan Seacrest shit himself in embarassment. Just do your fucking job right every time—it’s not that hard.

4. That stupid as fuck Kinja/u/o.i™ whatever-the-hell-it-is system just sent an entire African village into crippling drought and now they’re all dead. I hope you assholes are happy.

5. Hear it from Deadspin fans!

From: Brian Neary
To: The Staff
Your website sucks anymore. over the course of the last year, your website went from funny/sexy articles to just reaching for stories. I hate new york and I hate stars being ridonkulous but lets be honest carmelo anthony buying a portrait form an artist that he didnt commission but like the painting isnt that bad and really not story worthy. Get your shit togther…deadspin will be down the shitter in three years

From: dekle
To: The Staff
Here’s a tip:
SHUT UP

From: John J Hill
To: The Staff
Good Morning, I just wanted to let you know that every time you guys play, SPRINGSTEEN OR ROCKSTAR, I turn the station. These two songs are terrible and they are NOT even country. I know this will probably not do any good but I wish you would lose these two songs, they make me sick.
Thanks, John

Thanks for tuning in. tl;dr—Go back to work you, lazy fuck.”

That, trolls, is how it’s done, but don’t get any big ideas…

***

Follow me on Twitter @RogerDornTFM

  1. The Law Firm

    I guess I don’t scan the internet as much as everyone else, but the ‘My Little Brony porn” comment killed me.

    12 years ago at 11:49 am
  2. FratLloydWright

    I’d be mad if I was one of the least important starting positions on one of the worst teams in the league too.

    12 years ago at 12:59 pm
    1. Dennis Reynolds

      I wouldn’t be. He probably averages $15,000 for every ball he kicks in the air. Not to mention his job doesn’t require him to touch any of those lesser-thans.

      12 years ago at 1:20 pm
    2. Dennis Reynolds

      ^Not quite. He punts the ball 70-80 times a season and makes just over $1 million per season.

      12 years ago at 10:27 am
  3. anon574839201

    Drew Magary is amazing…his ‘Why the Detroit Lions suck’ piece made me want to play in traffic with a group of young deaf children…but this is great. So fucking great.

    12 years ago at 1:23 pm
  4. Sammy Bruin

    Bruins in the NFL getting press for their writing. I don’t know whether to be proud or pissed.

    12 years ago at 3:40 pm