Who Are You Taking?

That time has come again. Your fraternity has an upcoming date function and once more you face the routine array of questions: “Who are you taking?” “Are you gonna fuck her?” “She’s that one Asian chick, right? She’s not? So you don’t mind if I take that Asian chick?” As we all know, finding a date is not the trouble. The real dilemma is finding the RIGHT date. It doesn’t matter whether your fraternity is throwing a semi-formal in town or spending the weekend in another city making hotel managers fear for their jobs. It’s important to have a quality lady by your side. Who are these lucky girls? There are several types, and you will likely be choosing between one of the following:

The Random Sorority Girl

This is the girl you see around the house or in class all the time. She’s attractive, cool, and fun as far as you’ve been able to tell. You’re also pretty sure she hasn’t hooked up with any or at least too many of your fraternity brothers. She is a good acquaintance at best, but a friendly one. Maybe you’ve played beer pong with her before, shared a few jokes, taken some shots, whatever. There is usually some extra incentive to take her as well. Maybe she’s the girl from your ex-girlfriend’s sorority that used to casually flirt with you, or maybe she just has giant tits. Either way, this girl is a solid option.

The Sure Thing

This is exactly what it sounds like. Barring an all out terrorist attack on her childhood home the night before the party you will be able to have sex with this girl (and even then, who knows). She isn’t necessarily loose, just eager, or at least apathetically contented to have sex with you. But really, who gives a shit? You’re getting laid.

The High School Slam Piece

Desperate times, desperate measures? Maybe. You’ve digressed into some last minute planning but still want to be strategic enough to have a great night. Unless things ended poorly with this girl back in the day (say you threw up on her while blacked out at a graduation party and didn’t find out until a year after) then you’re good to go. You’ve already hooked up with her before, so she’s down to blow you, or will be after a flurry of drinks, and you know her well enough that you won’t get stuck in any awkward conversation breaks. If anything you’re at least guaranteed a drunken make out session on the dance floor while the band blasts a mediocre Billy Joel cover. “For the Longest Time,” droppin’ panties since 1984, just ask dad.

The Best Friend

You probably aren’t going to slam her. That sucks, BUT she is fun as hell. When you two get together the end result is the type of binge drinking that inspired the creation of Liverite. Neither of you mind being “those people,” and by those people I mean the couple giving big tips and zero fucks. What’s more is that all your brothers like her, so you don’t need to babysit. Most importantly, she is drama free. She doesn’t care if you get too drunk, commit a misdemeanor or if you dip off for a mid-party bowl and come back higher than a giraffe’s pussy. She’s fun. End of story.

The Pledge Brother’s Girlfriend’s Friend

That was a mouthful, and hopefully you will be too. In reality, this option is the last resort. No one likes to be set up, but stay optimistic. Your buddy’s girlfriend is pretty adept at playing matchmaker especially considering she knows you well and knows the type of girl that will compliment you best. She was there when you blacked out at the last formal and when you passed out without your pants on during spring break. Although if she asks what you’re looking for you will have to find an inoffensive way of saying, “not fat, DTF and preferably not a bitch, but I’m flexible on that.”

    1. SinceBirth

      You are putting the Flat Hat Club to shame with this persistent ball gurgling… Cut the shit.

      13 years ago at 12:48 pm
    2. Frat_Hat_Club

      y’all are fucking retarded. you obviously can all take a dick learn how to fuckin take a joke

      13 years ago at 12:49 pm
    3. BrotherOmicron

      Screw you Frat_Hat_Club, you may have won the battle but you will lose the war.

      13 years ago at 2:24 pm
    4. BrotherOmicron

      Quick question: How is KA so “southern” when they were founded in the north? Just curious.

      13 years ago at 2:31 pm
    5. BrotherOmicron

      Also going to a school without a chapter from the union triad means you are probably stupid, FYI

      13 years ago at 2:33 pm
    6. screwthe99percent

      why the hell is teddy roosevelt so revered on this site, wasn’t he a huge lib?

      13 years ago at 6:30 pm
    7. Pounding Vag

      Teddy R. is an outdoorsman and gave the country its great national parks and was a true man that didn’t take shit from foreign countries. Not to mention, big sticks = FAF.

      13 years ago at 6:47 pm
    8. Nitro Hazelton

      BrotherOmicron, go chug bleach for not knowing the history of the greatest fraternity in the greatest nation, ever. Also, TFM.com is not the place to discuss the Order’s former relationship to the Society.

      13 years ago at 6:59 pm
    9. BrotherOmicron

      Thats weird, TFM.com is a site about TFM Assoicates, whatever that means. And lol at Phi Psi’s strong arming you into changing your name.

      13 years ago at 7:35 pm
    1. The Golden Fleece

      You might be the most shameless troll ever to have existed on this site, Fratdusky.

      13 years ago at 3:34 pm
  1. Purpfection

    I will be bringing the best friend who will happily smoke the mid-party bowl with me, and then leave the party to go fuck. She’s always DTF after a few rips.

    13 years ago at 12:49 pm
    1. Fraterick Southgate

      Thats definitely the Rambda Guys and the Beta Date-a Guys on our campus.

      13 years ago at 4:25 pm
  2. Natural Light

    Who in the hell has a girl that they’re actually friends with and not banging?

    13 years ago at 1:10 pm
    1. SPECOA

      If you don’t, chances are you’re the guy that causes girls to have a minor heart attack when they wake up next to you.

      13 years ago at 5:21 pm
  3. PSU fratdaddy

    The Friend, more like mid-party rails off the top of the bathroom sink, whatever she’s down with it

    13 years ago at 1:14 pm
    1. FratrickNortonFreman

      At Penn State, the only thing you rail are 10 year old boys in locker room showers.

      13 years ago at 2:56 pm
    2. PSU fratdaddy

      Aside from Jerry, rehashing jokes from a month and half ago gets pretty old. Probably why you’re an inbred southern hick.

      13 years ago at 3:27 pm