Why Country Music Is Almost As Bad As Bieber

Why Country Music Is Almost As Bad As Bieber

When did country music shift from a vocalization of the common man’s problems to the oversexed tight-jeaned sorority girl fantasy that it’s become today? While the classic country party songs we’ve all grown up with continue to be made occasionally, most popular new songs are nothing but love anthems that sound more like single woman masturbatory aids. Imagine if rap music started to degrade into nothing but songs where Ja Rule croaks along with some random R&B slut?

While I know that not all artists are guilty of this blatant pussification, a certain few have taken this undeniably easy path to success all the way to the bank: Luke Bryan, Jason Aldean, Florida Georgia Line, Rascal Flatts, Keith Urban, Hunter Hayes, Chris Young, Lady Antebellum, and Kenny Chesney just to name a few.

Maybe I shouldn’t judge those who have found the winning formula. After all, I somehow turned my ability to write a viral list with a whiskey drink in hand into a full-fledged career. These singers, on the other hand, have a whole genre on their back. A genre that they’re slowly destroying. While country music is admittedly pretty cliché to begin with, by simplifying most of the songs into carbon copied “If she ain’t a 10, she’s a 9.9” bullshit, these artists are dramatically shifting both the popular conceptions of country music, and any hope of progress for artists moving forward. If all you need are some tight jeans, lyrics somebody else wrote for you, and a crowd of moistened college girls screaming your name, any hope for the rise of a new country music legend begins to die too.

If you’re still in denial about the menstrual sack of shit that country music is becoming, I have a little experiment for you. Sign onto Pandora right now, and go to the Country Pop station. Skip through the songs, because they probably suck, and let me know what you think. Chances are nearly every single one will sound like something that belongs on a middle school farmboy’s mixtape.

You might be thinking, “But every great country singer has love songs, and a lot of them are really good! Also, fuck you!” The issue here is not the existence of love songs in country music. Some of the best country songs out there are about relationships. The main issue here is the overwhelming number of these love songs released lately, and their overall shitty quality.

To prove this point, we’re going to have a little quiz. I’m going to give you guys a song title and a lyric, and you have to tell me if it’s a country song or a Justin Bieber song. Sounds easy enough right? We’ll see about that…

Bieber or Country?

1. One Time
“She makes me happy, I know where I’ll be
Right by her side cause she is the one for me”

2. You
“No one gets me like you when you kiss me
Girl you rock me harder than some downtown band”

3. Stuck in the Moment
“Now you don’t wanna let go,
And I don’t wanna let you know”

4. Set a Place at Your Table
“When there’s a place at your table
There’s a little hope for you and I”

5. First Dance
“I’m gon’ cherish every moment
’cause it only happens once, once in a lifetime”

6. Every Time I See You
“I’d love to say I can hold myself together
But I can’t help but come unglued
Every time I see you, every time I see you”

7. Don’t Give Up On Me
“We both know I can’t grant your every wish
But I want to, baby, you make me want to”

Not as easy as you thought, was it? When telling the difference between country music and Justin Bieber get’s this difficult, I think it’s safe to say that there’s an issue. I rest my case.

1. Bieber
2. Country
3. Bieber
4. Bieber
5. Bieber
6. Country
7. Country


    1. Bourbon Meyer

      Read the entire article. I usually like your work, but this one was off.

      7 years ago at 2:26 pm
    2. Fratrick II

      It fluctuates just like any other genre of music. It will swing towards pop for a while, then gravitate back to classic country. People will get sick of the pop ballad shit, find something else, and the record labels will accommodate.

      7 years ago at 1:12 pm
  1. TrickleDown

    l was going to say fuck you when I saw the column name, but you actually make a very good point.

    I was watching the Country Music Awards and it was profoundly depressing. I saw more guys in V-necks and gelled up hair than cowboy hats/boots.

    Fashion doesn’t particularly matter to me but it definitely made it obvious how much the genre has devolved. Contrast Tom T. Hall with hipster [email protected] like Lady Antebellum. Sad.

    7 years ago at 2:13 pm
    1. Make it a FRATurday

      I sincerely hope that your use of the @ symbol was a subtle poke at hipster subculture

      7 years ago at 3:15 pm
    2. TrickleDown

      It was more to avoid the website’s filter. Pretty sure they censor out a bunch of words (even the plural form of black, for example). Damn commies.

      7 years ago at 4:59 am
    1. StuffFratPeopleLike

      Eric Church is legit. Let’s hope he doesn’t follow down the same path as these fucks.

      7 years ago at 2:18 pm
    2. Jon M Fratsman

      Eric Church is gayer than an entire bag of dicks. His music is decent enough but he’s a fucking cockhole of a person.

      7 years ago at 2:32 pm
    3. Make it a FRATurday

      Your username is “ZacBroBand” and you claim that Eric Church is all that’s left? Well that’s awkward…..

      7 years ago at 3:13 pm
    4. GodDamnLiberals

      Zac Brown Band ans Eric Church are two of the few, although I kinda like flyover states from that prick Jason Aldean.

      7 years ago at 4:13 pm
    5. General Fratmoreland

      ^^^ “Flyover States” breaks the mold though. Not party, country-rock, or a heavy-handed love song. It goes along the lines of a classic country tune… which is why it’s actually a good piece of music. Everything else is horse hockey.

      7 years ago at 10:05 pm
    6. War_Damn69

      Just imagine what Hank Williams And Johnny Cash and Ronnie Van Zant would do to these guys if they were still alive.
      Eric church is decent Except for Springsteen that fucking sucked.
      Look up the Hank III songs “Dick in Dixie” and “The Grand ole Opry (Ain’t so Grand)” Solves all this.
      And how the fuck is keith urban country he is an aussie.
      David Alan Coe is the best song writer ever.

      7 years ago at 12:34 am
    7. Willy and Waylon

      Fratsman, i completely agree. Chris Young is very much the real deal, but i am a bit nervous about his new album “Aw Naw” is kind of gay. If anybody is looking for some good country Jon Wolfe reminds me of a young George Strait. real quality stuff

      7 years ago at 2:47 pm
    1. Airlinepilot

      That’s what I said.. And hunter Hayes? Never heard of em?.. I miss King George.

      7 years ago at 2:21 pm
  2. Alpha_Delta_Thighs

    Man, SFPL, you got it on the other article, but you dropped the ball here. Should’ve had Bacon throw a Bieber conversation in that bitch

    7 years ago at 2:19 pm
  3. fratteo

    After reading this and failing that quiz, i’m legitimately concerned at the direction of country music.

    7 years ago at 2:19 pm
  4. TomFL

    Don’t disgrace Country music like that. You can easily make a connection about something when you only pull a few songs from a list.

    For example, I will make the following statement:

    All Country music is about drinking, partying, and one night stands.

    Then list the following songs:

    The more I drink- and pretty soon I’m bummin’ cigarettes and sweet talkin’ some big brunette yeah, once I get on a roll ain’t no tellin’ where I’ll stop.

    Spring Break Up- “No I don’t need your number don’t want to be your Facebook friend I hate to break it to ya But you won’t ever see me again”.

    Good Time- “Shot of Tequila, beer on tap Sweet southern woman set on my lap G with an O, O with a D T with an I and an M and an E”.

    So, do some better research next time, slugger.

    7 years ago at 2:23 pm