Why Country Music Is Almost As Bad As Bieber

StuffFratPeopleLike12 years ago

When did country music shift from a vocalization of the common man’s problems to the oversexed tight-jeaned sorority girl fantasy that it’s become today? While the classic country party songs we’ve all grown up with continue to be made occasionally, most popular new songs are nothing but love anthems that sound more like single woman masturbatory aids. Imagine if rap music started to degrade into nothing but songs where Ja Rule croaks along with some random R&B slut?

While I know that not all artists are guilty of this blatant pussification, a certain few have taken this undeniably easy path to success all the way to the bank: Luke Bryan, Jason Aldean, Florida Georgia Line, Rascal Flatts, Keith Urban, Hunter Hayes, Chris Young, Lady Antebellum, and Kenny Chesney just to name a few.

Maybe I shouldn’t judge those who have found the winning formula. After all, I somehow turned my ability to write a viral list with a whiskey drink in hand into a full-fledged career. These singers, on the other hand, have a whole genre on their back. A genre that they’re slowly destroying. While country music is admittedly pretty cliché to begin with, by simplifying most of the songs into carbon copied “If she ain’t a 10, she’s a 9.9” bullshit, these artists are dramatically shifting both the popular conceptions of country music, and any hope of progress for artists moving forward. If all you need are some tight jeans, lyrics somebody else wrote for you, and a crowd of moistened college girls screaming your name, any hope for the rise of a new country music legend begins to die too.

If you’re still in denial about the menstrual sack of shit that country music is becoming, I have a little experiment for you. Sign onto Pandora right now, and go to the Country Pop station. Skip through the songs, because they probably suck, and let me know what you think. Chances are nearly every single one will sound like something that belongs on a middle school farmboy’s mixtape.

You might be thinking, “But every great country singer has love songs, and a lot of them are really good! Also, fuck you!” The issue here is not the existence of love songs in country music. Some of the best country songs out there are about relationships. The main issue here is the overwhelming number of these love songs released lately, and their overall shitty quality.

To prove this point, we’re going to have a little quiz. I’m going to give you guys a song title and a lyric, and you have to tell me if it’s a country song or a Justin Bieber song. Sounds easy enough right? We’ll see about that…

Bieber or Country?

1. One Time
“She makes me happy, I know where I’ll be
Right by her side cause she is the one for me”

2. You
“No one gets me like you when you kiss me
Girl you rock me harder than some downtown band”

3. Stuck in the Moment
“Now you don’t wanna let go,
And I don’t wanna let you know”

4. Set a Place at Your Table
“When there’s a place at your table
There’s a little hope for you and I”

5. First Dance
“I’m gon’ cherish every moment
’cause it only happens once, once in a lifetime”

6. Every Time I See You
“I’d love to say I can hold myself together
But I can’t help but come unglued
Every time I see you, every time I see you”

7. Don’t Give Up On Me
“We both know I can’t grant your every wish
But I want to, baby, you make me want to”

Not as easy as you thought, was it? When telling the difference between country music and Justin Bieber get’s this difficult, I think it’s safe to say that there’s an issue. I rest my case.

ANSWERS:
1. Bieber
2. Country
3. Bieber
4. Bieber
5. Bieber
6. Country
7. Country