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Why Dudes Hate Handjibbers

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To all the women out there, this article has important sex tips to help you with your relationship.

Ladies, here’s how to give your boyfriend a handjob.

Step 1: Don’t.

The end.

For years, I hated handjobs. Thought they were the worst. That they’re the only jobs that Trump shouldn’t bring back. But recently, I dated a girl who was amazing at dishing out old fashioneds. They were unbelievable; paradigm-shiftingly good. She was like the Muhammad Ali of handjobs. Literally; she was so good at them that the leader of The Nation Of Islam gave her a new name. Her birth name was Cassandra Clay.

There are a few reasons why a lot of guys don’t admire handies. One of the main reasons is that handjobs are typically the first step in your sexual experiences as a man. When you’re younger, handjobs are the greatest thing since sliced bread. In ninth grade, your girlfriend gives you your first HJ and it’s the best thing to ever happen to you. Someone other than you just touched your member?! It’s a new frontier and it’s euphoric, like doing heroin at Disney World.

But then life continues progressing. You get your first BJ and then lose your virginity. After that, handjobs lose their novelty; they lose what once made them great. HJs become an old friend who used to seem awesome, but now he’s just obnoxious. You’d rather hang out with your new friends.

Another reason why guys hate handjobs is pretty simple, and actually pretty hacky and cliché to even mention (but I’ve always been a hack writer, and I don’t plan on stopping now or anytime soon): it’s because guys can do it themselves. And on top of that, dudes can do it better. They’ve been practicing damn near every day since they hit puberty.

Imagine Michael Jordan is playing 2-on-2 basketball and Jimmy Kimmel is on his team. They win 21-0 with MJ scoring all but one of the baskets. Jimmy is like, “Yo, that was awesome, right?!,” and Michael is like, “Eh, I really didn’t need you for that.” Basically when it comes to whacking off, my hand is Michael Jordan and every girl’s hand is Jimmy Kimmel. Maybe Jimmy could get the job done if it came down to it, but we all know who the real champ is.

But the last and arguably most essential reason why most men aren’t handy fans is because they hurt. As in they’re physically painful. Every handjob is a Saw trap, and it’s not the girls’ fault. They don’t have a dick, so they don’t know what hurts and what doesn’t hurt. That’s why they’ll yank on your pecker like they’re trying to pull a weed out of the ground.

Then, one day, I had an epiphany that hit me like a bag of bricks. While getting an especially painful HJ, I thought, “Why is she doing it so fast? It’s almost like she just wants to get this over with as quickly as possible. Wait…”

Yup, that had to be it. Which I can empathize with. It had been 2 hours (#stamina); her wrist was probably killing her.

Basically, any guy who sits through a handjob is a war veteran and any girl who is nice enough to give one is a hero. We all deserve respect and sympathy for what handjobs have put us through.

Image via Shutterstock

  1. ShowMeYourButtStuff

    The only handjobs you get are from yourself so stop making articles to make it look like you have sex. You disgust me.

    2 years ago at 7:22 pm
  2. Butanefratoil

    I made the same face when I realized guys jack off guys better than “decent” “chicks”

    2 years ago at 3:48 am
  3. Butanefratoil

    Wally. You stupid ass. I can describe you in the way, “like a lighter bitch we ignit”
    Lmao JK, you fuck nugget. Nope I’m full of shit. I hope someone lights you on fire and doesn’t even piss on your fire. You’re lucky Christ ALREADY died on the cross for our sins. I’m actually working with priests about converting to assthisim, (the religion of Wally ass head) because after you Wally, there is no hope left. Your intellect has proven the human race as a biological being, reliant on our environment, will fail, because you have single handedly been the source of so much shit, the world will fail. The Earth is not your dump, yet Wally, you filled it with shit, and we can no longer survive, because of your SHIT. Suck your shit and die.

    2 years ago at 3:57 am
    1. Butanefratoil

      A vacuum of hellish and heavenly traits would just make you look retarded

      2 years ago at 3:58 am
      1. Butanefratoil

        The reason is because you’d just shove your cock into the rusty hole in your forearm if we left you out of jail

        2 years ago at 3:59 am
      2. Butanefratoil

        I have some brothers in serious shit for slanging smack and slam into campus. I’ll send a haypenny of a penny if someone wanna gang for dis ninja (no clue why everyone in town called him that) asshole has blue hair and plays Vidya like a doobapooo

        2 years ago at 4:02 am
      3. jizzrag69v2

        We get it: you struck out Friday night, got drunk, tried and failed to crank it, passed out, woke up Saturday morning, again tried and failed to crank it, spent Saturday on the couch watching The Office on Netflix. Helluva life you got there champ.

        2 years ago at 7:42 am
    2. SigmaNugs311

      TL;DR what I’m sure is a dumpster fire of a comment. Jesus kid, swing and a miss there champ. For the love of God stop trying so hard.

      2 years ago at 1:10 pm