Why You Should Never Shave Your Chest Hair, From A Girl’s Perspective
When people ask me, “Lucky Jo, tell us about yourself. What are your most admirable qualities?” I tell them three things. First: I’m an avid Jack and Coke drinker. Vodka cranberries are for pussies, and I once ate a dusty M&M for five dollars, so I’m not a pussy. Second: I’m a beard enthusiast. Hence, my recent descent into a dark depression following the end of No-Shave November. And third: I’m a die-hard advocate for a scruffy chest.
I have a lot of appreciation for the male body and all the joy it has brought to my otherwise meaningless college career. However, every once in a while, I come across a monstrosity more cringeworthy than frayed cargo shorts and ridiculously outdated American Eagle tees: a shaved chest.
Why the fuck do guys do this? Shaving your chest is the male equivalent to getting a boob reduction. It’s like slapping God in the face, and I’m not cool with it. I’m here to tell those who partake in this horrible trend to cut the shit.
Hairy chests are awesome. They’re fun to look at, they’re great to play with, and I can pretend I’m banging James Bond. It’s a win-win situation all around.
Biologically speaking, girls are prone to pick men with hairy chests because, well, they’re men. Obviously, I’m going to go for the guy who appears as if he could survive longer than a week in the event of an apocalypse (and look damn good doing it, I might add). So why is it that I keep seeing guys in movies who have smooth chests when they are obviously not naturally that hairless? You’re not fooling anyone, Jon Snow. Your face looks like Bruce Banner’s forearm, are you are honestly going to tell us that you’re magically that smooth below the neck?
Furthermore, you should know that no girl wants a slam who’s skin is softer than hers. We want you to be rugged and tough and a little bit disgusting, so that we can feel awesome about ourselves. Pro Tip: When we feel awesome about ourselves, there’s going to be a lot more boning and a lot less bitching.
I truly believe that unrealistic beauty standards are a problem for guys, so you’ll be pleased to know that dad bodies are a definite turn on. Sure, abs are nice, but I really appreciate the time, energy, and effort behind a nice beer gut. A scruffy chest is the ultimate and obvious component of a dad bod.
If you’re still not convinced, I’ve compiled a short list of who I believe are the three most influential people to help prove my point:
1. Jon Hamm
He’s confident, he’s classy, and he looks like he smells like cigars and soap. My kind of man. The only thing more perfect that than hair on his head is the hair on his chest. He makes me want to lick caramel off of his pecs, and I don’t even like caramel.
2. Jim Halpert
I recently told a friend about Jim’s locks, but she insisted that he was never shirtless on any episode of “The Office.” I know for a fact that he was, however, because the vision of his glorious, hairy chest was forever burned into my unclean mind. A quick Google image search promptly confirmed my argument and induced a lady boner.
3. Jesus
I don’t have a whole lot of proof on this one, but I’m pretty sure that when his disciples told him, “Yo, Jay, you gotta shave your chest flow. That look is totally 3 BC,” Jesus was like, “Nah, man. Dad says this look will never go out of style, and he’s, like, all-seeing or some shit.”
There you have it. Don’t be afraid to stay lazy and let it grow, because the unnatural bare look is a giant turn-off. Chest hair is a warm and fuzzy party that we all want an invite to, so do us all a favor and ditch your razors for good..
SHOW US YOUR CHEST!!!
11 years ago at 10:24 amUsing Jesus as an example of how hairy chested men get laid. TFM?
11 years ago at 10:26 amGo fuck yourself. More bitches follow me than you’ll ever have.
11 years ago at 12:42 pmI will be your James Bond. Little known fact, 007 was into Butt Stuff.
11 years ago at 10:27 amWhy do you guys keep posting these “woman’s perspective” articles? When the fuck did we start caring about women’s opinions?
11 years ago at 10:28 amThese are usually the top performing articles on the day they’re posted, so obviously the answer to your question is a lot of you are reading them (including you).
11 years ago at 10:37 am“A lot of you” doesn’t answer why or when.
11 years ago at 10:41 amI expect high and mighty statistics from Bacon and Tech Guy, but not you Dorn.
P.S. Clicking on an article doesn’t necessarily mean people are actually reading it partially/in full, or actually give a shit.
11 years ago at 10:43 amYou clicked on it because of the title. The title tells you what the content of the piece is about. I guess you’re right, though. There is a small number of you who click and go directly to the comments. Probably 50 of you.
11 years ago at 10:47 amSeeing as I’m never going to get into the website running game, do y’all actually make money per click, regardless of time spent on an article, or is that factored in too?
11 years ago at 10:52 am^ yes Tailhook, but other factors play in too
11 years ago at 10:53 amI know my opinion doesn’t mean shit to you guys; however, prior to I think around the time of the layout change, you guys had something pretty special going. I understand economically the direction that this sight is going in is not only practical but rewarding for all of you involved, and I am not going to make a vain attempt to persuade anyone to, for example: “bring back the forums!”. I would still like to give my two cents on a matter I find important.
11 years ago at 11:02 amI’m just going to be frank and say that this site is the reason I joined a fraternity. The content was relevant and the sarcasm as well as the confidence to make fun of your own stereotypes really drew an interest for me. BUT, the die hard tfm guys, I’m talking about all the fifth years and execs you’ve been balling that have been around from the start a also a huge reason that led to me making one of the best decisions I have made: rushing. I understand they hardly make a dent in your ever increasing readership (as told by the shares on facebook of your articles from people, which makes me think, “how the fuck do they even know what tfm is?” Once again, I am not saying this is a “bad” thing, but the increasing censorship most certainly is. And the way you guys act like the commenting readership is worthless is just plain insulting. Eventually the hardcore crowd will die out, I fear; the ones who truly give this site a sense of life versus the emptiness of, dare I say it…buzzfeed. After all this I’d just like to conclude by saying I would encourage the thought of compromising behavior towards not the largest, but most loyal, witty, and honestly to God frattiest readership that you guys have.
Thank you, jdm58
11 years ago at 11:09 amI appreciate the comment, but where you’re wrong is assuming the “fifth years and execs” that we have balled are the tenured, hardcore types. That’s simply wrong.
It’s pretty easy to reach that status, actually. Just talk a lot of shit to each other and the staff and you’ll get upvoted. The guys that have been balled have been trying to tear down this place. They are malicious. They’re trying to destroy the comment sections, and of course they post graphic nudity in the forums, which can get us is a heap of trouble.
Don’t associate these children with the good guys.
11 years ago at 11:12 amAnd we’re not increasing censorship. Look at all the crap we let stay….the pedophile stuff, your mom’s a whore, etc. My life is threatened daily and I don’t delete it.
We let you guys have your fun until it poses a threat to our business. Pretty simple.
11 years ago at 11:15 amJust simply ask to make the forums out to be a porn site then all of your troubles will go away. You won’t have to worry about what gets posted or sailboats, which made TFM popular. You’ll have the occasional trolls but it’s funny on the forums. Bring back the forums is all that we ask.
11 years ago at 11:47 amBased on those words, I’d say TFM is the closest business being run like a fraternity.
11 years ago at 2:35 pmIf you don’t blackball the guys consistently fucking things up for the group, you set bad precedent and run the risk of having the organization’s “charter pulled”.
Some, especially those new here or those not even in a fraternity, will accuse me of sucking TFM’s dick, but they’re the ones that don’t understand if things aren’t at least a little, the site’s future is shaky at best, and then we will have to go over to *gulp* buzzfeed.
Fuck you PUSSY!!!!!!
11 years ago at 6:54 amDorn, I never once posted graphic nudity, maybe a few gifs of kate upton or something, but nothing that a staff member wouldn’t have posted, and yet all my comments eventually became censored anyways because of the “#forumriots”. And I’ve been around since it was the days of TFM’s birth. I actually remember articles such as “Charlie Sheen FaF”, “Dear Spring Pledge” (still my favorite), and the ORIGINAL Fail Friday that only consisted of 5 horrendous wall submissions.
So to say that the people in the forums were the malicious type, than I say you are wrong. Clearly there were childish users that posted in the comments, and forums, but why not ban their IP address instead of just their account. And please take my old account off Frouse (frat house) arrest.
11 years ago at 11:21 am“So to say that the people in the forums were the malicious type, than I say you are wrong.”
Well, I never said this, at all, so I don’t know what you’re talking about.
We do ban IPs. There are ways to create new accounts after your IP is banned. I know you guys think you have it all figured out, but you don’t.
11 years ago at 11:25 amRegarding the forum, why not just hide it behind the account login? I know, that doesn’t do anything for your page views, but doesn’t that solve the censorship issues?
11 years ago at 11:39 amNo, that won’t fix anything.
11 years ago at 11:40 amNot for nothing Dorn, but according to Alexa TFM’s traffic has plummeted since early November. Wasn’t that around the time you deleted the forums?
11 years ago at 11:48 amHahaha
11 years ago at 11:55 amYou read that wrong, it shows their numbers have climbed. Either way Dorn, can’t you just reinstate some of these balled accounts that were taken out due to an overreaction?
11 years ago at 12:00 pmNo. I recently gave someone a second chance by reinstating them after a promise to behave. I regretted it. He was worse than before.
We’re taking out the trash for the betterment of the site.
11 years ago at 12:05 pmAll im saying is KennyPowers3 did not deserve to get balled.
11 years ago at 11:53 amWhat if you bring back the forums, but disable us from posting gifs, pictures, or links. Just text. I don’t see how that wouldn’t work. #ReplyComment #Dorn
11 years ago at 12:08 pmWhiskey_Tango has a point, Rodge. You can bring back the forums and just disable pic-posting and hyperlinking.
11 years ago at 12:28 pmI agree with Whiskey_Tango and Its a TFM. Even though a text-only forum wouldn’t be quite as entertaining, it would still allow us to hold in depth conversation rather than having to flood the comment sections of articles
11 years ago at 12:48 pm“The guys that have been balled have been trying to tear down this place. They are malicious. They’re trying to destroy the comment sections, and of course they post graphic nudity in the forums, which can get us is a heap of trouble.” – Roger_Dorn
11 years ago at 12:04 pmi’m a good guy. now make me fifth year, bitch.
11 years ago at 11:30 am[IMG]http://i57.tinypic.com/2u7ycz5.jpg[/IMG]
11 years ago at 11:01 pmHow would porn on the internet get you in trouble though? I thought this was America?
11 years ago at 9:08 pmThis may be the greatest comment I have ever read
11 years ago at 2:08 pmYou guys should do a study to see how this site affected people’s decision to join a house. I think it would be fairly easy to do if you just put a survey on here. It would be pretty interesting to see the outcome.
11 years ago at 4:27 pm@jdm58, not a chance any of the original commenters are still around. I first came across this site (first GoldmanSachs article) when they were in their prime. Those dudes are definitely all graduated and working now, and don’t have time for this bullshit anymore. #RememberFratdusky
11 years ago at 6:58 pmDorn, that’s great and all, but how about we discuss the reinstatement of BigFrocket. The Frock_Itch traveled to my chest and against the wishes of Lucky Jo I had to shave it. I’m now a hairless monster with no prospects of getting laid, thanks TFM.
11 years ago at 11:03 amI clicked on it to read the comments. #YesAllCommenters
11 years ago at 11:08 amJust out of curiosity, do a majority of people come straight off links shared on Facebook? I feel like most of my friends probably fall into that category.
11 years ago at 12:19 pmWe got a ton of visitors from FB, yes. Zuckerberg controls the internet.
11 years ago at 12:45 pmDorn, the reason why these “Woman perspective” articles get the activity they do is because they always give advice on relevant topics (ie. how to get buttstuff, why girls should give more blowjobs, etc.) and I for one want it to continue. It gets old telling mentioning your addiction to children, sfpl’s shitty hair and lack of humor, and Bacon’s general deformities. However, it never gets old making sexist jokes and asking hotpiece or yeahokaywhat if she’ll sit on my face.
However, Whiskey_Tango, we do not negotiate with terrorist. A forum without links and .gifs seems like a dry rush event at a bar, in which all the cool kids fail to attend.
11 years ago at 12:45 pmThis is true. Tech Guy keeps dropping numbers that people click on this article or that article to “read”, but I’m not buying it. We all know they only click on it to go straight for the comment section, whether they’re actually commenting or not.
11 years ago at 10:48 amnice edit, cheater.
11 years ago at 11:05 amDorn’s snapchat is rogerjdorn everyone sext him pics of themselves putting Burt’s Bees in their buttholes
11 years ago at 7:35 pmDear Lucky Jo,
Roses are red,
Bacon’s balls are blue,
Let me put my frock,
In where you poo
Love,
11 years ago at 10:28 amJerry
Based on your wordsmith skills, I support you in your quest for Jo’s dirt tunnel.
11 years ago at 1:41 pm
11 years ago at 4:51 pm(_!_) stuff
11 years ago at 9:53 amThe only topic on shaving I want to hear from you is whether or not your sporting full bush, a landing strip or as Dorn would say, “bare as a little boys bottom”
11 years ago at 10:31 amWhy I don’t give a fuck what you say: From a man’s perspective
You’re a woman.
11 years ago at 10:33 amOutlandish and outrageous behavior because of who your father is. TJesusMove.
11 years ago at 10:34 amI concur.
11 years ago at 12:42 pm…Jim Halpert?
11 years ago at 10:42 amLucky Jo, I promise if you allow me to do #Buttstuff, I’ll grow the manliest beard, and let you grab my chest hair whenever you want. Balls can literally be in your court.
11 years ago at 10:46 am