Why Your Fraternity Sucks: Alpha Epsilon Pi

Dan Regester9 years ago

Some people are brothers of Alpha Epsilon Pi. But many, many more people are NOT brothers of Alpha Epsilon Pi. This TFM rush preview is for those in the latter group.

Disclaimer: All jokes have been approved by multiple individuals of Jewish descent. Also, having had several romantic flings with Jewish American princesses back in Florida, I’m automatically absolved from any interpretations of intolerance caused by the column below. That’s just how the rules work. Everyone knows that.

Fraternity: Alpha Epsilon Pi.

The cultural melting pot of America, where everyone’s rich, white, and Jewish just the way Yahweh intended. Walt Disney’s nightmare in fraternity form. Inclusive elitists that have an overinflated sense of self worth. The kids that have had their kishkes coddled since popping out of the womb and sucked on their mothers’ shadayim well beyond their fourth birthday. They swipe their pop’s plastic every chance they get, always going overboard to earn the approval of their peers, and overcompensating for crippling insecurities caused by keeping up with the Greenbergs. We’re talking about the kind of guys that order bottle service during free drinks on a regular basis.

“Thanks for the shot of Belvedere, Eli. Yeah, you mentioned that it was on you a few times now. I’m gonna go back to drinking my Bud Light and thinking you’re a douche again.”

Just check out this video nationals put together. If a punchable face could take YouTube form, this would be it.

Now, to some of you, this whole thing is going to sound like a rash generalization fueled by harmful stereotypes of an entire ethnic group, but, I assure you, that is not the case. It’s simply a rash generalization fueled by harmful stereotypes of an entire Greek organization. There’s a difference.

Hands up don’t sue, Anti-Defamation League.

I know — I’m entering dangerous, shark-infested waters. As hard as it is to believe, I have ambitions beyond smut blogging for the rest of my life, and getting blacklisted by Hollywood would be a conflict of interest toward those aspirations. But keeping this whole thing kosher just wouldn’t be my style. And it would actually be narrow-minded of me to not go as hard on you Hebrew putzes as I did with every “Why Your Fraternity Sucks” before you. Just because you walk that fine line of an IFC and DGC organization doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try to proverbially push in your schmeckles.

Size: 176 active chapters in the U.S., Canada, Israel, the U.K., France, and Austria, all of whom have a common link other than the letters they share. They hate Palestine.

Negotiation is the name of the game with AEPi as they are the king of compromise. A potential might not be a legacy, and he could even be the absolute wrong fit for the chapter, but if his dad has the coin, nationals will whip out its long schlong of the law and stronghold brothers to bidding and letting him in. We’re talking kids with the athletic prowess of Larry David and the sense of humor of Sandy Koufax.

Nationals might offer an incentive, like knocking off $3,000 of the chapter’s debt, but from what more emailers alluded to is nationals just demands acceptance of these am haaretz. Got to keep those donations flowing in. Just remember to hide these schnooks during rush.

Founded:

It doesn’t matter where an AEPi is from, he always seems to identify with New York City, so it’s only fitting that the fraternity started at NYU in 1913. Charles Moskowitz, who AEPi keeps referring to as a heralded basketball player (remember this was back when the sport was whites only), gathered up ten of his buddies, ate a shit ton of frankfurters and sauerkraut at a German rathskeller on Second Avenue, and started Alpha Epsilon Pi.

AEPi claims that the founders were not aware of the sorority AEPhi, which was formed four years prior at Barnard College, even though the badges of the two organizations are essentially identical. Huge coincidence, but I get it, guys. I’ve found myself in an eerily similar situation. I was “unaware” of who Drew Magary and what the “Why Your Team Sucks” series was before ever writing this weekly column. Must just be a popular concept. Savvy move blaming the blatant ripoff on using the same jeweler, too.

Famous brothers that suck:

Gary Bettman, the most incompetent commissioner of the four major sports, which is an accomplishment onto itself as Roger Goodell is eligible for the award.

Adam Richman. Lost all my respect for you when you stopped doing the challenges and starting “coaching” people to take your place. A real man would of went down swinging and died on one of those diner tables in the soupy remnants of a ten pound sundae.

Mark Zuckerberg. Where do I begin with this assh…(Facebook has removed the following post).

From the horse’s mouth:

Brother Dylan

Kids have bids coming into school that aren’t necessarily legacy, but because they’re rich/powerful, we are required to bid them. It really sucks because it’s like a Jew using a Magnum condom. It’ll get the job done but is it really for us? Nah.

Brother Alec

We’re Jews. Most coming from big cities with big purses to spend on anything. “Networking” and pressure from Nationals up the ass means taking kids that really don’t fit into the mold. We’re just trying to satisfy nationals business or donors needs.

Brother Eric

Mark Zuckerberg. He was an AEPi. (Facebook redacted) that guy.

Definitive reason you suck:

People can buy bids like Donald Sterling bought NAACP awards.

Want to be part of the next fraternity rush preview? Just email me at [email protected] and give me ample evidence of why your fraternity sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with other chapters, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next up: Sigma Nu

Now watch how bad this fraternity’s Exec Board sucks at managing their chapter…

In case you missed the others:

Sig Ep

Beta Theta Pi

SAE

PIKE

Lambda Chi

Phi Delt

Kappa Sigma

Sigma Chi

KA

TKE

ATO

FIJI