Why Your Fraternity Sucks: Delta Sigma Phi

Dan Regester7 years ago

Some people are brothers of Delta Sigma Phi. But many, many more people are NOT brothers of Delta Sigma Phi. This TFM rush preview is for those in the latter group.

Fraternity: Delta Sigma Phi

Imagine going to a tech show with the likes of Apple, Google, Microsoft, Samsung, and IBM all set to give presentations for their new line of products. The room goes black, Coldplay hits the speakers, and spotlights illuminate a man in a turtleneck at center stage. Time stands still as the hype captures the audience in a state of awe before the speaker ever says a word. Finally the screen in the background slowly fades in and the company is revealed. Pager Tech: North America’s 2nd Leading Supplier In Wireless Beeper Systems. The crowd lets out its collective breathe that it had previously been holding, “Is this a joke?”

That’s Delta Sigma Phi to a T: an organization with idealistic ambitions — despite serving no purpose in modern society — that has absolutely no business sharing the same room with every other Greek lettered social fraternity.

Courage. Action. Excellence. The three pillars on which Delta Sigma Phi “builds better men.” The courage to call yourself the “fastest growing fraternity” with no regard for facts or truth. The action to establish chapters at smaller liberal arts schools with little to no competition. And, of course, the excellence you envisioned for 2025 that you’re going to tremendously underachieve. We’re starting to hit the back end of that ingenious 20 year plan, guys. Maybe get moving on the whole “becoming America’s leading fraternity.” Then again, that’s kind of a broad title. It’s not too hard to spin that failed dream into something else equally as impressive when the time comes in eight years. Delta Sigma Phi: America’s leading fraternity…in members waving dildos and throwing eggs at sexual assault awareness activists.

Size: 106 active chapters, 128 inactive chapters

You’re the $5 knockoff version of TKE that is sold outside stadiums and disintegrates in the washer machine. Where TKE has prospered targeting smaller schools and spread like an incurable airborne virus to grow into the fraternity with the most chapters in the country, Delta Sig is polio. Cases of outbreak are few and far between and no one’s really thought about them in over half a century.

Symbols:

Really big fans of ancient Egypt over at the Delta Sig house. The pyramids, Alexander the Great’s Gordian Knot, “Nile” Green, Sphinxes. Half the kids they recruit are probably under the impression it’s an archaeology club. If there’s no sarcophaguses in the initiating ritual it has to be the biggest missed opportunity by any fraternity ever.

Founded:

At one of those city colleges of New York that no one really cares enough about to get the name right as THE fraternity that didn’t worry about race or religion. Pretty progressive thinking for 1899. A Greek utopia for all those that wanted a true brotherhood. I have to give it to Delta Sig…what’s that? Members reversed course and pissed all over the founding fathers ideals not even 15 years later? Well of course they did. It was 1914 for fuck’s sake. The nerve of Charles Tonsor and Meyer Boskey to actually think they could start a Greek organization for God fearing whites and heathen minorities. Together. As one. Talk about impractical. Now Delta Sig’s irrational line of thinking towards the future makes much more sense.

Famous Delta Sigs that suck:

Mike Shanahan and his tanning bed, the co-creator of The Wild Thornberrys, and some guy whose official title under famous alumni is “color expert” according to the official Delta Sig website. What does that even mean? Color expert? Is that racial or is he just the asshole that’s responsible for couples all over America fighting about the 40,000 different options in the paint aisle at Home Depot? Thanks for smaragdine and coquelicot, Faber B. Birron.

Reasons you might not suck:

That gorgeous, potato-skinned wizard with words that used to write for this very website is also an alumni. Luv u Rob.

From the horse’s mouth:

Brother Squid

Nerf gun wars for pre-formal, quantity over quality, and spending spring break on dry beaches…and that’s just one chapter from a D3 school. I can only imagine what things are like at a D1 chapter with almost 100 of us in one place…dear god

Brother David

One brother in our chapter alone has been on fail Friday 3 times.

Brother Jon

We have a national Facebook page where we share shirt orders and one of the dudes on there threatened to sue me for not getting his shirt to him fast enough.

Brother Albert

I was expelled nationally for getting Rush Tits.

Want to be part of the next fraternity rush preview? Just email me at [email protected] and give me ample evidence of why your fraternity sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with other chapters, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next up: Delta Chi