Why Your Fraternity Sucks: Phi Delta Theta

Dan Regester9 years ago

Some people are brothers of Phi Delta Theta. But many, many more people are NOT brothers of Phi Delta Theta. This TFM rush preview is for those in the latter group.

Fraternity: Phi Delta Theta.

You ever not do an assignment but miraculously the professor forgets and you’re merely minutes away from skating by scot free until some cheesedick raises his hand and reminds the teacher to collect homework? Phi Delt is that cheesedick. Don’t let them fool you into thinking otherwise. They’re not pioneers; they’re overachieving societal ass-kissers whose sole purpose for existence is to make life for other fraternities as difficult and miserable as humanly possible.

Have you ever had the displeasure of spending multiple 14-hour days discussing shit that has little to no relevance to your chapter with just the worst representation of your own fraternity at your own national convention? You can thank Phi Delt for that. You know these recent, radical “liberal” ideas of initiating women into fraternities? Yeah, Phi Delt gave that serious consideration over a century ago. Is your fraternity house dry of any and all alcohol? You guessed it — there’s a Phi behind that, too.

These conniving pricks are even responsible for the bane of existence that is IFC. They were vital in establishing the North American Interfraternity Conference back in 1910, rounded up every other organization for their harmonious “Super Friends,” United Nations-esque circle jerk, fucking bailed on a national level, and left everyone else that joined with their dicks in hand.

Size:

192 Chapters celebrating the “uniqueness of each individual and, through encouragement, values, example and brotherhood, empowering every brother to exceed his personal expectations.” Every brother is special like a snowflake. No two are the same. Yes, you’re all wearing pastel 6-inch inseams, Sperry Top-Siders, Vineyard Vines polos, and Costa sunglasses, but that guy over there is a film major, that other guy’s really into sucking toes, and Johnny’s family doesn’t even own a vacation home. Fucking poor bastard. And look! Three hispanics, two asians, and a token black kid, all of whom wouldn’t have been able to rush before 1954 because of a restrictive clause in the fraternity’s bylaws that prohibited anyone not of “full Aryan blood” from joining. Don’t you just love history? Speaking of which…

Founded:

The day after Christmas at Miami (OH) University by six guys who were clearly disowned by their families, respectfully. Forget the fact that it was 1848 when trekking over to the next state took twelve years and multiple deaths from dysentery within the travel group. If you weren’t making it home for the holidays, it more than likely wasn’t your call.

The men above are Robert Morrison, John McMillan Wilson, Robert Thompson Drake, John Wolfe Lindley, Ardivan Walker Rodgers, and Andrew Watts Rogers who became known as the “Immortal Six,” which I believe a certain organization that was formed half a year earlier *cough* FIJI *cough* might take issue with.

Just look at those crinkly, bushy scrotums and tell me that’s not the saddest group of buzzkills you’ve ever laid eyes on. Would you want them around for the most joyous celebration of the year? Exactly, and I haven’t even told you about how their anti-alcohol views directly resulted in members leaving and going DKE only a few years later.

You can read about the rest of Phi Delt’s impeccable history on their website, which has an entire online archive of documents dating back to 1875. There’s not enough interns in the world to sort through all that useless shit in order for me to get a column up before the year 2074. Wednesday afternoon is late enough as is.

Famous Brothers That Suck:

The 23rd President of the United States, Benjamin Harrison, whose administration was the first to rack up $1 billion in federal spending. Needless to say, he didn’t last long, and only served one term.

John Dasburg, CEO of Burger King. “Would you rather own a BK franchise or a WNBA team?” Scott Van Pelt and Ryen Russillo asked this question a few years ago during their radio program (R.I.P.), and I’m still short one answer. Burger King makes McDonald’s look like a five-star dining option.

Jeff Weiner, CEO of LinkedIn. God, is there anything more annoying than the bombardment of connection request from the guys you went to high school with who never made it out of town and list themselves as entrepreneurs? Just telling people bullshit half-baked ideas that you come up with on the spot at the same bar that serves 17-year-old high school girls doesn’t make you a businessman, kid that peaked way too early. The fact that Weiner has tricked the corporate world into thinking LinkedIn is not only a benefit, but a necessity, for potential hires, makes him not only an awful individual but an evil one as well.

Why You Might Not Suck:

You had the first man to ever walk on the damn moon walk through your organization in Neil Armstrong, along with baseball hall of famer Lou Gehrig, and Burt fucking Reynolds. Also, a man near and dear to my heart, along with the rest of the city of Philadelphia’s, in Harry Kalas.

From The Horse’s Mouth:

Brother Paul

A fellow Phi Delt chapter at a nearby school have this tradition where they dress up in banana suits and drink milk until they throw up. Not even a right of passage, just an average Friday night for these goobers who don’t drink and don’t talk to girls.

The Definitive Reason Your Fraternity Sucks:

As you can see in the above section, I only got one email. Typically I get anywhere from fifteen to twenty five per fraternity — four or five of which that are actually useable. These people are what I call self aware and can laugh at themselves for all of the asinine shit their organizations do or have done in the past. But not you guys.

Heaven forbid you sully those sacred letters of yours. Those letters have never done wrong. They’re absolutely perfect. Fuck you, you humorless bastards..

Want to be part of the next fraternity rush preview? Just email me at [email protected] and give me ample evidence of why your fraternity sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with other chapters, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next up: Lambda Chi Alpha

In case you missed the others:

Kappa Sigma

Sigma Chi

KA

TKE

ATO

FIJI